Zamboni Sells Out!

I really had a  time last night. It was the last of my two shows at the Monkey House. I looked out through a crack in the back curtain at 7:50 and saw maybe two people. Much sadness. I think to myself, “what the fuck man?! Here I am busting my humps- paying for the damn space..doing my show, and nobody come…” etc etc. cue tiny fingertip violin.

But then I come out at 8:10 and the place is packed. Full.  My first sell out show. People are drinking their beers and splitting cervixes they are laughing so hard. The questions as well were great they ask to Zamboni (“What’s the difference between the male orgasm and the femael orgasm?…Where did your name come from?… Should i have a baby with Zamboni?”) 

I left the Monkeyhouse with hope. I still am angry that offers don’t get delivered to me on plates. Afterall, everytime I do show, people laugh, they sigh, they learn something- they enjoy- so why don’t more people say “Hey Zamboni, do show in my theatre! Make me a million sheckels as I produce you on Broadway “etc. But this does not happen.

But as long as people keep coming and enjoying, laughing and thinking- I have chance to get on Jimmy Kimmel and Carnegie Hall.

Thanks you, if you came to see show- if not don’t sleep on the next one.

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How the Hell am I Ever Going to Get to Carnegie Hall?

This is a very good question Zamboni, and since you have asked yourself -me, the great zamboni, certainly we can come to a good and right answer.

Dreaming of Big Fish, appreciating my hard core or fans I have now! Ed, Linda, Eva, Ralph, Eli, Dash, Solia, (chesire isaacs photo)

Dreaming of Big Fish, appreciating my hard core or fans I have now! Ed, Linda, Eva, Ralph, Eli, Dash, Solia, (chesire isaacs photo)

You certainly have a long road ahead. You are currently what we call in Estonian show business parlance, “small goat nuts”. Last Thursday’s show at The Monkey House in Berkeley was no doubt rocking like a hurricane, but most people there were directly related to you, at least by blood or two degrees. Take your mom out of the equation?=crickets. So I take your question to really be, how can I expand my audience, my name, my reknown so that larger and larger doors open and the world can know and appreciate the who and what and how of Zamboni, is that it?

Yes, more or less Zamboni, you are insightful.

Okay, thank you, as I promised, even if it is myself asking the question, great zamboni can never be stumped. Here is what you must do.

Be everywhere. All the time. Doing Zamboni. Like my granny Priitik used to draw in the dirt, (she was mute): If you are trying to snag a moby dick, use a big god damn net.

Shirts, stickers, Internet virus video, talent shows, open mics, bar and bat mitzvahs, remember those books as a child, Lowly Worm, how that worm shows up everywhere? Be the worm!

Keep getting better Zamboni, keep your eyes on the big fish, even if you get pre-occupied with being a small fish- know where you wish to be headed and keep one eye on that. Yes its easy to get bitter because success isn’t served on platter to you, or this person never comes to your show, or no one seems to give a shit about developing solo artists in this damn town, etc- but as my drill sargeant in Estonian Special Forces liked to say “boo fucking hoo! now keep marching you partakers in goat ass!” ( hard to translate)

So Zamboni, be everywhere. Make your success an inevitable fact. Make Carnegie Hall too small a venue to fit your your fans, but do it anyway (have to add an 11:00 show) But only do this as long as it is fun.

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You Can Thank Estonia!

My country, Estonia, has brought to you people many great things, some of which I will announce and revel in, when I perform this week in Berkeley. But did you know, that perhaps most special of all, is the athletic activity of Wife Carrying Competition?

Yes, the men throw their wives over their shoulders, make a race, and see who is fastest- super enjoying! (see Estonian-style of carry here)

Learn this and more this coming week at my show!

Ciao old sport!

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What should I do for valentines day?

Ahhh yes. The eternal question. You don’t want to fall into the cliche trap of candy boxes and roses, but you don’t want to ignore it and risk the wrath of your beloved.  In Estonia we call this being caught between a rock and another rock.

albright

It reminds me of a lover I had once in my youth. You may know Madeline Albright as the esteemed politician, I knew her, in her rosy youth, as Pixie. Flaxen afternoons we spent, browsing bookstores, hand in hand, slurping oysters out of ashtrays, blindfold tennis, all the good romantic things. Then Valentines day came. We had been dating for 3 months.

That morning I woke her up as usual, hanging from the ceiling in my unitard… as she yawned I left the tent to prepare our usual gruel and Sherpa Tea…but when I came back into the love nest I noticed she was unhappy.

“Is this it?” she asked.

“Excuse me my love?”

“Is this all you have planned?”

“Well..yes in fact, I  thought after the gruel we might make lots of sexy time and do good snuggling..after all Valentines Day is just a manufactured bourgeois Hallmark holliday, as you described it yesterday yourself.”

As I inhaled the exhaust of her car as she sped off, I realized that you skip Valentines day at your peril, indeed.

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Tickets going fast for Zamboni Show!

Yes my friends, I know many of you have merely contacted me, the Great Zamboni, over the ethernet, or perhaps you have touched my garments through a security barrier- or bought a pair of my sweaty running shorts on a Japanese website- but all that can come to an end now.

Zamboni is performing live this very month in Berkeley Ca.

Thursdays, two of them. Feb 12th, 19th , at the Monkeyhouse in Berkeley.

Don’t sleep on this friends, take the hookah out of your mouth, pause Netflix, don’t go toward the light- buy these tickets now online or else you might miss it. The Monkeyhouse only fits 53 peeps, so don’t get left in the cold like a Dickensian street urchin, wandering the foggy street with chimeny dust stuck to your face begging starngers for a cup a  ‘ tay.

Get your tickets now!

http://zamboni.brownpapertickets.com/

No you can't get special treatment- buy tix online like everyone else!

No Mother T you can’t get special treatment- buy tix online like everyone else! Stop texting me!

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New Year High Resolutions

Many people have asked me, “hey great zamboni, what are your new years resolutions?”

Well, here they are, rocking like a hurricane:

1. Watch all of Mindy Project because she so funny. She remind me of sassy nurse from Estonian prison where I spent three days after plum wine bender. Y2K.

2. Return Obama’s texts.

3. Stop going to Gym. I overdo so much, must relax. I have Creatine buildup in kidney so I pee orange.

4. Be as kind to myself as I try to be to others.

5. Figure out why people not like Gluten.

6. See people as people.

7. Chew my food.

8. Laugh more. Talk more. Love more.

9. Check expiration date on Milk.

10. Pay my valet the 5 bucks I borrow from him.

There it is- be well and a happy new year- like we say in Estonia, “a mean goat ruins your stew, but a sweet goat make you go hungry”

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Best Christmas Blog Post Ever

Christmas Eve, 2014

Your stockings are pretty much empty. The tree is small. There are no presents under it, wrapped in stripey or any other kind of paper. Your nuclear family detonated long ago. Your relatives live in the city or travel from here to there, or have other families to be with. One brother is somewhere in France, you’re not sure. The other lives across the pond. Maybe you have a few memories of ham dinners and stockings bursting with oranges and pistachios and a hundred chotchkes you can’t recall now. That’s cool.

Your daughter is far away. Complicated.  Your girl is skiing, probably taking a lesson from someone named Chad, who won a Bronze medal in Freestyle something, but he’s like, “not a big deal, I was just stoked to be there.”

None of this really matters. It’s raining. You are loved and in love. Your son’s coming over to eat steak and watch Diner. (and he’s getting so handsome!) It’ your movie. Christmas, Baltimore, 1959.

The older I get the more it seems there are two ways to look at life, and pretty much only two:

a) Why does everything go wrong and suck?

b) This isn’t perfect, but  it’s pretty fuckin’ awesome.

Every day you choose to be sad or happy or nervous or whatever. You wake up and wonder, “where does all this anxiety come from?”. It’s pretty silly really, life is good if you’re living it. And any Christmas you’re around to experience is the best one ever. There’s an old saying, “angst is lame.”

Happy One to You. -jw

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