Zamboni is asked, “how can I cut down my use of butter?”

I, Zamboni is often asked questions of health and diet. It is a subject I know something of, having survived on pine cones and rain water for one year while I lived at the top of a giant Sequoia, learning the wisdom of a tree-dwelling hermit named Souvlaki.

Recently, I was asked this question by a man wearing green clogs. Here, I answer.

Is not good to cut down butter, and I explain why. Zamboni has worked in fine restaurants in college and I can tell you that the reason food is tasting much better in restaurants than when you cook is two things: salt and butter.

Second reason: French people. Though this is changing these days (I saw many more fat people the last time I was there, due, I think to more processed junk) mostly people in France are looking better than you and me and eat twice as much butter. Maybe three times. Even the old men are trim and fit, making inappropriate sexy comments to women and being charming. And their clothes fit well too.

Third reason: Butter taste good. Will you like olive oil on your toast? Me neither.

But Zamboni? you are saying, you are still not answer my question about eating less butter?

Well, here is the truth from Zamboni. Yes when you can, use the virgin olive oil, on your veggies and your noodles. But do not skimp on butter when it counts: melting on pancakes, etc. Making biscuits.  Instead, WALK AND EXERCISE more! And also, drink one or three glasses of red wine with your rich meal… this the french do- but also they are eating SLOWLY, while making conversation and laughing- so there is no feeling of pigging out…be more human, you see…connect, as always this I urge.

Now, the last secret I give you. Is not mystical, but like Zamboni, very practical.

Fernet Branca. One tiny dram after each meal… then you are living to one hundred…Trust me, my great uncle Klaus Baron de Mouton Rothschild, follows these rules, and he is stll sexing his 4o year old wife in his 106th year …

Do like Klaus do.

Next question?

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