Knowledge Dropping #2

I have been all over the world, from Rangoon to Lake Texoma, and each place I talk to people. The thing I find funny is that the sad and frustrated people seem to be working just as hard , if not more, than the tranquil ones. Why is this? So is the choice ours to make? I must believe so.

This food for thought, no? Think of this, and please, ask The Zamboni, which is me, a question, and I shall answer.

Knowledge Dropping #1, Do What You Fear

Yes. Zamboni fears the sea, since I almost drown after crashing Estonian Air Force plane in 1921 and only a deal with the Devil saves me from death in icy deep.  But now I laugh at Devil. Do what you really wish,  the thing fear keeping you back from– then you may know a certain kind of peace.  And if not today, then when? A wise man once said, “someday” is just another word for never.

(South End Rowing Club, thank you for open fridays)

Zamboni is asked, “will we have a white Christmas this year?”

Though the jacket is white, this Christmas will be "Black". I like my festive Bowtie!

I thank you reader, Deirdre Nurre,  for the question. Here is being your answer. As always, forgive you my broken English, as I am of Estonia.

Once, stranded in the Tundra for nine days, after getting lost from a ice-sculpting workshop many years ago, in Zamboni’s youth. I spent perhaps too intimate a time with a reindeer. During this week while the flesh of this beast just barely kept me from the brink of Hypothermia, she revealed to me many secrets in return for me not eating her. These secrets involved Christmas. As I ate snow to stay alive, I became attuned through several hallucinations, to the spirit of this Holy Day.

The answer to your question is No.

This Christmas will be mostly Black. In several ways. First, economically. Many peoples will buy more things this year, making business books go in the “black”. We will do this not because we feeling economy recover, but only because, well, it will only be worse next year! So let me buy Uncle Bratislav this 50 dollar meat tenderizing wand, etc.

Second, racially. Thanks to Obama being president, Christmas is now less and less white, which is good. Less Bing Crosby, more Ray Charles. Now that the symbolic first family is mixed race (Michelle has Jewish relatives as well) we are embracing much more colorful elements in these days.

Thirdly- Mystically. Black is the color of night. Some might say of depression, sadness… and often the holidays induce these feelings. But remember, the beautiful Christmas lights of your tree, of the streets decorated, these only look so glimmering against the Blackness.

I wish you well.

Zamboni is asked, “how can I survive jolly holiday season?”

I thank you this question, which comes at me often in this season. This I can help you with.

No joke, the holidays can be very challenging.  On Black Friday in my small Estonian village of Sharvoldsttenthrock, sheperds arrive early with molten pitchforks and torches and fight over heavily marked down gourds and rabbits. The great, great, great, grand uncle of Zamboni, a dwarf and expert cheesmonger, Baron Phillipe de Mouton Rothschild was trampled to death on one such day, long ago.

My secret of surviving this season is three easy steps.

Step One: Buy the first gift for yourself. No is not better to receive, is better to get. Lets be honest. Science proves that when we buy something we get rush of drug like endorphin. So buy this first fix for you, then riding on this crack high you will be quite generous in looking for the perfect gift for ones you love. Maybe you think I am crass, but is safer than the cocaine.

Second: Limit your exposure to Christmas music. This mostly created by Devil, which I know for fact since I sold my soul to him. Use ipod with sneaky ear things… if you must though, make it the snoopy piano stuff, that’s good music, the Peanuts. Frank Sinatra also has album of this holiday music and this is acceptabe, as Frank being close to god cancel out satanic juju.

Third: Listen to Wisdom of Charlie Brown. Speaking of these peanuts. Remember in Peanuts Christmas special, the very first thing is this Charlie Brown saying, “Christmas makes me depressed. I don’t feel happy like everyone else.”  Charlie Brown admits his Christmas funk, he talks about it, he does not hold in. Do like him and soon you will be enjoying company of others who feel this way. And remember also, he feels better when he finds that sad, tiny, neglected “tree” and spruces this up. Do also like this- raise someone up and you are the real winner.

Fourth: I lie. There is another step: Other People Families

When things get very bed, spend holiday occasions with the families that are not your own. The best Christmas dinner that I, Zamboni,  ever spent was was with the family of a friend I knew just barely when I was a student in Estonian Paratrooping Academy. I enjoyed food while they fought and yelled with emotional baggage everywhere. Nobody bothered me.

Plus, this last experience has effect of making you miss your own family… you realize that even with the yelling and passive agressive comments like, “why don’t we get your older brother to carve the goose, you don’t know how, do you?” That even if your family is not perfect, at least it is your family. And as the great man said once I forget who; family- is the people that when you have nowhere left, they have to take you in…”

Fifth: Get invited to or have Hannukah party. Eating latkes is much joy to your world.

Last Addendum: Quit your shopping day halfway through. You know that moment when you are still feeling rush of peppermint latte and consumer high…around noon…stop THERE! or Before you know it, it is 4:42pm and you have three clerks running around for you in Barnes and Nobles with headache from Abercrombie Fitch cologne seeping through air ducts. In your culture this is known as “quit while before you are ahead” I think.

Zamboni is asked, “how can I cut down my use of butter?”

I, Zamboni is often asked questions of health and diet. It is a subject I know something of, having survived on pine cones and rain water for one year while I lived at the top of a giant Sequoia, learning the wisdom of a tree-dwelling hermit named Souvlaki.

Recently, I was asked this question by a man wearing green clogs. Here, I answer.

Is not good to cut down butter, and I explain why. Zamboni has worked in fine restaurants in college and I can tell you that the reason food is tasting much better in restaurants than when you cook is two things: salt and butter.

Second reason: French people. Though this is changing these days (I saw many more fat people the last time I was there, due, I think to more processed junk) mostly people in France are looking better than you and me and eat twice as much butter. Maybe three times. Even the old men are trim and fit, making inappropriate sexy comments to women and being charming. And their clothes fit well too.

Third reason: Butter taste good. Will you like olive oil on your toast? Me neither.

But Zamboni? you are saying, you are still not answer my question about eating less butter?

Well, here is the truth from Zamboni. Yes when you can, use the virgin olive oil, on your veggies and your noodles. But do not skimp on butter when it counts: melting on pancakes, etc. Making biscuits.  Instead, WALK AND EXERCISE more! And also, drink one or three glasses of red wine with your rich meal… this the french do- but also they are eating SLOWLY, while making conversation and laughing- so there is no feeling of pigging out…be more human, you see…connect, as always this I urge.

Now, the last secret I give you. Is not mystical, but like Zamboni, very practical.

Fernet Branca. One tiny dram after each meal… then you are living to one hundred…Trust me, my great uncle Klaus Baron de Mouton Rothschild, follows these rules, and he is stll sexing his 4o year old wife in his 106th year …

Do like Klaus do.

Next question?