Charlie Sheen: Great Sage and Alien Experiment

“it’s easy, you just close your eyes and change your brain”.


Many people have asked me, the great Zambonesman, some version of this question, “Charlie Sheen, W.T.F.?” To alleviate your befuddlement in this matter of celebrity meltdown, I have consulted the inner mirror of my soul and have spent 12 hours with Charlie Sheen himself in a sweat lodge in a concealed location. Originally, Sheen’s handlers enlisted my help to drive out his demons and addictions, but I quickly discovered the real truth of his predicament. Charlie sheen is a misunderstood oracle and prophet to mankind and an alien-probed experiment as well as a vehicle for the restless spirit of Dennis Hopper.

Long ago, my friend William Blake wrote, in the Proverbs of Hell, “exuberance is beauty”, and “the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.” In this interview, Charlie Sheen is asked if he regrets great and endless crack and party binge. He flatly says no and this shocks interviewer. It also shocks interviewer that during the interview itself, Sheen is not on any drug despite his manic and crazy behavior… and this is affirmed by drug test immediately after. Admittedly this behavior is less shocking to me. In Estonian Air Force, our hazing included the forced snorting of fifteen lines of Borax, a grain alcohol enema, and the consumption of sheep testicals- and this was for officers.

Looking deeply at Charlie Sheen as we both sweated out toxins from our pores, I noticed a small incision behind his ear. In a flash of lucidity and vision brought on by the intense heat and eating nothing but Saltines for two weeks, I saw in a millisecond what ordeal had taken place in the soul of Charlie Sheen- Tiger Blood!

One year ago, an alien race visited him, probing his skull. Inside this skull they found a powerful energy- the restless ghost of Dennis Hopper. Inside the mind of this restless ghost, they saw the young Martin Sheen from Apocalypse Now, mistaking one Sheen for another, they immediately thought they had tapped into the very nerve center of the entire mojo-source of all Mankind. Loathe to take their probe out of such a prize specimen, they overloaded Charlie with source code from their own Universe called Zogrumperplatz. This source code made the Sheen feel invincible, thus his endless binge of crazymaking. You see, this Alien race does not desire our destruction. Au contraire, their goal is our liberation, and being much more advanced than us, they can help us achieve this, but only with the mind of Charlie Sheen. Through his exuberant overindulgence, they enabled him to spout this wisdom to us, but we are being too obtuse to recognize it.

So what can he do now?

It is difficlut to say, as even the Zamboni is powerless to remove the alien probe- but, since I can communicate with the ghost of Dennis Hopper, I will relay his message concerning this:

“Oh man, this bullshit with Charlie… the man is just being true to himself… real men don’t apologize for their behavior.. you think artists are saints man? No, they’re fucked up people like everyone else… shit man,  the set of Apocalypse Now makes 2011 look like fuckin Teletubbies- and the 50’s that were so squeaky clean? Ha! I drank Champagne from Natalie Woods–———————————————–…” There my connection broke up.

So the answer is clear. Only if we learn the lessons that Hopper and the aliens are trying to teach us through Sheen, will he be freed from  from his possession.  He’s high on a drug, yes, “the drug is called Charlie Sheen”. So, get high on yourself! It is the only drug that you will always be able to afford!

*Don’t apologize!

*Say what you think without thinking too much!

*Skip the drugs and prostitutes, you can learn these things without all that trouble!

Only with Tiger Blood, can you conquer the tiger!

Yes, notice he is speaking to the elder Sheen, Martin, imprisoned in Bamboo…a fact not lost on the Zagrumperplatzians.

Now he may rest.

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