The Trad asks Zamboni

Todays question: I don’t know whether to set up my insurance captive in Bermuda or the Virgin Islands. Both countries allow me to keep the $ offshore at no tax but Bermuda is nicer and USVI is a shit hole. I like saying USVI. Is sounds like a drug from the late ’70s. I’m so confused.

The Trad
(Serious Insurance Professional)

Dear esteemed bloggiste and life chronicler Mr. Trad: I, Zambonesman, of course have answer for you, as well as bad drug flashback story. Please stop saying USVI ever to me again.

“USVI” was indeed a drug developed by Timothy Leary in the 6o’s before he perfected his formula for LSD. I was part of the first trial of USVI and I still have a missing big toe and the fangmarks of a bear on my left ass cheek to prove it. So your question sends me shivers of memory of a long forgotten forest rampage in Northern California and leads me to answer you with:Bermuda. Emphatic and how.

and they allow dogs on beach- very rare

Bermuda has certain obvious advantages. The first being shorts. The second being pink sand. It is also closer to New York, the city in which you dwell, and when the world ends on May 21st,  it will be a shorter helicopter ride to get your “captive,” whoever that is. The third reason is the best Bay Rhum Cologne is coming from there.

As poor young man trying to attract women in Estonian college, we make our own with Everclear and roots that grow in sidewalk crack.

Need I say more? especially to you Sip. I once worked in the stables of a deposed Estonian tyrant who traded a  resevoir and three tanks for a case of this tingling head-wash.

So, my friend The Trad, as in all things, tradition serves us well here. Bermuda is truer heirloom place of preppy goodness- after all, they paint their houses pink. Add the green of golf course- you get the picture. In USVI is too many Americans- why travel to see them when they are outside door? And in case your question is of fiscal nature and  not a kidnapping, you must always “diversify”, whatever this means.  Peace and dividends of happiness to you.

And speaking of insurance, why not every single person who live in flood country buy flood insurance? This make Zamboni sad. What say you SIP?

From USVI. Bottle is even plastic, only use as Crab deterrent.

Question from an Actor

Dear Zamboni,

How do I overcome perfectionism and enjoy my artistic performances? I mean, I want the emotion of the content to flow through me, rather than a constant monologue of me analyzing each and every moment of my time onstage. How should I do this?


Steaming cup

Dear Steaming Cup, though I myself am no thespian to speak of, I did spend one summer following a certain raven haired snake charmer named Phillipa around the Caucases. From her, I learned much about show business.

Part of her act consisted of charming twin cobras out of a basket, then hypnotizing them into a sleep and tying both in a knot with her tongue. Blindfolded. One night, as we drank our customary post-show three bottles of vodka, I asked her how she remained so focused and calm on stage, and what she thought about while she performed these tasks. I asked her whether after 2,164 performances, she still enjoyed what she did.

‘The danger, the actual and real danger makes it new and exciting each time. I know that if I get bored or check out, I will pay with my life.” I insisted that, even so, she must get bored occasionally. “Of course Zamboni, but I am there for the audience, not myself.”

You, Steaming Cup, wish to turn off your inner critic and enjoy the flow of your performance. Only be careful about desiring “ flow” through you. Emotion is something we can’t have control over. No one decides to cry. No one decides to laugh. You react. You can decide to pick up a toy. You can decide try to make someone laugh. Hopefully your audience feels something, they are the ones who paid.

But there are practical ways to cut off the “constant analyzing” of your inner monologue. Give it less time and space in which to creep in. James Dean told Dennis Hopper his secret was, “do things, don’t act them”. If you are occupied with a toy monkey, really busy with it, your mental editor is forced to take number and wait.

There is an old saying among Estonian stone carvers; “if you want to keep the devil from calling, stay on the phone with your mother.”

Once I,  Zambonesman, was in  front of many thousands in the Krakow opera house. I gave someone an answer that I immediately regretted. I had overeaten Perogi at lunch and wasn’t thinking clearly. I then started to analyze everything I said and soon it was as if I wasn’t even present at all, I was just a head buzzing with criticism. At that very moment, I noticed a small child in the front row whose grandmother must have dragged him to the theatre. He had huge blue eyes trained right on me and a motionless face. I decided I would make that child smile at some point in my show. It took 72 hours, but finally I did it. I can assure I was too busy for any inner critic. Next time you hear that analyzing voice, listen politely, then say, “thanks for sharing, now if you’ll excuse me…”

Steaming Cup, thank you for your question. I thank you also for caring so much about your craft. Remember, it is called a “play” not a “work”- so enjoy!

Zambones has spoken, exit stage left, even.

“Should we rejoice in Osama’s Death?”

This question comes from reader “Eliza Doolittle” and it is a good question that is on the mind of many peoples in many lands. Just as we will all remember where we were on 9/11, so too shall we remember where we were when ten years later we heard of his death.

Zamboni myself, I was in the Big Apple as it is called, on 9/11. Horshack, my personal tailor, was making on me a suit of purple and green Harris Tweed that I was planning to wear that night on stage, my premiere at Carnegie Hall. A show that never happenned, and a suit never finished.

I still see the confused faces, shell-shocked people, running, screaming. The smoke, endless and thick grey smoke and ash filling the streets. It was like nothing you have experienced, unless you were there.  I saw the fire fighters rushing to there, over 3oo of them not to return. Perhaps you too were there, or saw on TV. We were all New Yorkers then, even us Estonians, remember that unity? Where did it go?

Then two nights ago when I heard the news of his death I was in an airport bar in Madrid, having VIP lounge service with my nails buffed while I sipped Mojitos and got seaweed wrap on my face. Due to my 64,789,453 frequent miles I receive many perks of this type. We saw the young Americans cheering and running and laughing and screaming like Estonians at soccer match. They were in front of White House doing this. It seemed strange to me and there was much shaking of heads in the bar. I did not like feel New Yorker then, and definitely not like one of these  washingtonians.

So Eliza, to answer your question, Zambonesman think “rejoice” is no good here. “Rejoice” is happy like re-unioin with old lost friend or a wedding. To rejoice in death seems not good to Zamboni. But even Zamboni cannot know what this feel like for wife who lost husband in the Towers. Perhaps  some have earned the right to rejoice.

I say “breathe a sigh of relief” is better.

But a line from Macbeth comes to me as I sigh this out, “We have scotched the snake…not killed it.”


When the Black Hawk helicopter was downed in Somalia, they rejoiced over the American dead. They say you become what you hate- let that not be so.

Zamboni in uproar!

Ladies and gentleman, I Zamboni will not exist without questions asked of me… throw me a bone people or else I feel like red-headed step child with ADHD and bad breath. Ask me a question so that I may have a career here or else my brother in-law Shmoendrick’s  prediction about me will come true,”Zamboni you’ll die penniless pursuing this dream, come back and work on the cheesefarm cleaning up goat shit before it’s too late!”

I tell you I know all! But can’t answer a question not asked.

Just hit “leave a comment” or e-mail at Look, in all seriousness, even if you think Zamboni is full of air, what question would you ask someone who knew all..? Even the asking and searching has something to teach you. And even if my answer is as useless as a hat on a headless man- it didn’t cost anything to ask right?

It’s good karma for you….

Like Dolphin shorts- I’m out!

“Suckin’ the Hind Tit”

Recently, I Zamboni learned of this expression from an American named Ralf Bart. Having not knowing this, I consulted the Interweb and found this definition:

“Not getting a fair share. Many female mammals have multiple rows of breasts, for example dogs. Typically the rear most pair of breasts is smaller and less developed than the rest. Hence a pup nursing from the rear most breast is likely to receive less milk than other nursing pups. Hind means rear most. Tit is slang for breast.”

Ah, I see. Growing up in Estonia, sharing the bed with many animals and relatives passing through town with the circus, I am quite familiar with this feeling. Getting the short edge of the sword and the fewer birds in the bush, etc. It might surprise you to know that the Zambonesman often feels like he is on this  tit.

You all know of my fathomless wisdom, but being alone on this mountaintop is also very lonely. Never make the mistake of thinking that just because Zamboni can sometimes help everybody in a witless way, that he is without difficulty. Problems, you see, are instantly recognizable in others, but often impossible to see in ourselves.

Sometimes I wake up, prepare my elixir of Daikon radish, mustard greens, Wasabi and mint chip ice cream, and feel hollow, empty. In these moments I ask myself “what am I? where am I going? What am I doing with my life?” No one but the silence answers back.

Live in these moments. They are like houseguests that show up uninvited, people we don’t like but find ourselves stuck with as they blather annoying things on our sofa and fail to put their water glasses on the coasters you provided. There they are nonetheless. Eventually they leave, if you just let them say what they came to say.

Do you feel like you get the hind tit in your life? Let it make you thirstier and tougher.

Never give up, never surrender.

just try to do the next, right thing

Zambonesman has spoken.