I am a woman; How Can I be a “Bro”?

It is a great question which comes from reader, Hermia. She also says to Zamboni, that she is always losing her man friends and not knowing why, and so wishes to know how to be more of a friend that keeps the man friends that she has.

Dear Hermia, Zamboni can help you with this, and I will first tell you it is most difficult and even in the way of your asking I am noticing how you go wrong. But don’t worry, if you follow a few simple rules, I can have you knocking back beers and laughing very loud in no time.

1. Bros are never posssessive. Already with your “hey how come you never call?” type of feelings, you are already travelling far from the land of the Bros. My bro may not call for one or two weeks, but when he do,  I answer only with “yo! waasup bro! let’s hang, its been too long.” Be very careful you are not answering with faint passive-agressive, “oh…hey…..you called…..I thought you were dead……ha…” That will immediately cloud the waters of Bro-dom into very murkiness. Bros don’t need guilt from their bros, they get this already.

2. Bros talk about sports, movies, or funny bullshit for like first two hours of bro “hangtime.” This, while starting to eat and drink, sets a neutral, healthy tone to the evening, letting each bro know they are in a safe-zone of non-threatening palaver. During this time, never get pensive look on your face, rest chin on one hand, look misty eyed and thoughtful while you say, “so……how are you?” Emphasizing “are.” This will send hair on back of bro straight up into defensive posture.

3. Bros do get very real with details. Yes you will have to give details of sex and your emotions. Many womens are embarrassed to talk of sex, and get all giggly and strange when conversation moves to this. They don’t want to seem slutty, or want to retain mystery, etc. You, my female friends must become comfortable with tossing out the craziest details of what you did last night. After two hours of drinking, the crazier the detail the funnier, and hence better. You know you have said they right juicy bro detail if it is met with wide eyes and “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? NO WAY!!!!” and the like.

4. Bros do share their emotions. Just not over tea. “Oh I love how I can tell you anything, just like my girlfriends!” No thank you please. Give us your feelings, leave us our gender.  See #2.

5.Bros don’t let bros drink alone. Or drive drunk, “dude, just sleep on the couch”, etc.

6. Hi five often. Or other little tappy finger bomb thingees. It’s fun to have  private customs that border on silly. Life is too serious not to  do stupid handshakes on occasion or raise your voice inappropriately.

7. Keep deeper stuff confidential, for gods sake.Trust.

6. Bros need you to be a wing man, an encourager, but never a competitor or a mom.  Let’s say you have come this far and the bro has accepted you and you him. He expresses a crush he has on this girl that really understands him, that is fun to hang out with, easy going, cute, you know, the whole Piroshki. Since you are a girl, unless his crush is of Sapphic nature, then you have advantage over male bro; you are not competitor for girls attention. Encourage bro to call, make date, but if bro doesn’t, don’t lecture or make to guilt.

But what if the crush is you? What if even after following all these precepts, your bro and you develope a real spark and out of the ashes of your burnt up bro-ship, the phoenix of love might arise?

That my friend is the danger, because once you do the touching or make the beast with two backs, things will get weirder than two frogs milking a goat, and you find you are very much a girl and a guy now.

But  then again, there is no love without risk eh?

And women look even better in tuxedo

To avoid this my female reader, go easy on make-up and sexy dress when you have bro-nites and  it wouldn’t kill you to pick your nose or scratch the crotch a couple times too. Or find gay bro and avoid much of this.

Most importantly, DUDE, GOOD LUCK! (Hi five)

Zambones has spoken.

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