Zamboni, what is on your ipod?

This question comes from “Shlameil” in Livermore, Ca.

Shlameil I do not have ipod anymore, it was stolen from me in a power outage on a train in Bratislava. Three Russians of indisputable criminal origin clubbed me with fisticuffs to take my gadget. But I can tell you what it is I am listening on my Walkman thatI hold together with Camel spit and pieces of recycled underwear.

Zamboni have much in common with this Rhianna. We both have fans numbering in the 27 millionth, both love the word “resilient”, but I beg to differ that she is not the hottest bitch in heels. That crown, like most, is held by….Zambones!

Enjoy “So hard”…Though I am  still struggling with some of the symbolism in this veedio, trying to decipher significance of her riding a pink tank and the mud wrastling and what exactly, “so hard” means, I feel it is bottomless, much like Moby Dick or David Lynch Lost Highway.

Personally I have seen this “gaga” but I think Rhianna is eating her for breakfast. Next week, this one called Gershwin who is so mighty, still!

Call me Zambo, or call me Ishmael, just call me!

I await your questions and complaints.

Lindsay Lohan, Identity, Paulo and How to become Art

“What do you do when you change into your new identity?” This quixotic question comes from, “Paulo”.

My friend Lindsay Lohan, went so far as to attempt to be transformed in a short movie about her face

Since the days of forever a long time ago, (and Zambones knows this because I have traveled through all eras) we humans have worn masks, acted as others and taken on identities. Now you might perhaps think that we have done this because we dream of being someone else- but the opposite is true. It is the mask that teaches us who we are. What do we do when we change into our new identity- this is a tough question, but remember that I am Zamboni, so here is the truth.

There is no change. If there were change, why would we have a new book every ten minutes about how to change face/diet/nose/co-dependence/attitude, i.q./ etc: because the last one didn’t work. There is no change, only developing.

You are in the dark room, you expose light onto white paper. The paper is still white, on the surface there is no change. You put into first solution, there is a start, some lines. You put into second solution. You start to see some spots spread across page, some grey, some shades. Finally, after chemical third solution you start to see the photograph, the details, the poetry, finally: the art.

Each of us is waiting to become a work of art. This is why we seek, read, dress. But we must be careful- most careful, about how we develop.

I use Lindsay Lohan as example. She recently was used to make perhpas the worst short film ever made, probably in hopes it would “ressurect” her image. No. What she needs is to be in John Waters or Quentin Tarantino movie- then we see her freckles, her lines on face, her imperfections, her awkwardness. John Travolta only became John Travolta because of Pulp Fiction. A wise man once said, “your imperfections are your perfections”. Actually was me Zamboni who says this.

So Paulo, when you “change into your new” identity, you come closer to who you are. Like the Stoics said, “be what you wish to seem.”

Notice what people are for Holloween- this tells you more about their dreams then one hundred journal entries. When you plunge into right chemical developers, so to speak, and wait, is when you become genuine you.

Fribble me this!

Lindsay, you were/are perfect! Restore!

What happens after death?

In this segment of old Zamboni show, I answer two questions “is it wrong to laugh at old people running for the bus?”, and the mighty question about what happens after….Click below line. (If you are my mom, it is the purply line..move little arrow to it, make a click on this “mouse”…good luck!)

Be amazed!

I am a woman; How Can I be a “Bro”?

It is a great question which comes from reader, Hermia. She also says to Zamboni, that she is always losing her man friends and not knowing why, and so wishes to know how to be more of a friend that keeps the man friends that she has.

Dear Hermia, Zamboni can help you with this, and I will first tell you it is most difficult and even in the way of your asking I am noticing how you go wrong. But don’t worry, if you follow a few simple rules, I can have you knocking back beers and laughing very loud in no time.

1. Bros are never posssessive. Already with your “hey how come you never call?” type of feelings, you are already travelling far from the land of the Bros. My bro may not call for one or two weeks, but when he do,  I answer only with “yo! waasup bro! let’s hang, its been too long.” Be very careful you are not answering with faint passive-agressive, “oh…hey… called…..I thought you were dead……ha…” That will immediately cloud the waters of Bro-dom into very murkiness. Bros don’t need guilt from their bros, they get this already.

2. Bros talk about sports, movies, or funny bullshit for like first two hours of bro “hangtime.” This, while starting to eat and drink, sets a neutral, healthy tone to the evening, letting each bro know they are in a safe-zone of non-threatening palaver. During this time, never get pensive look on your face, rest chin on one hand, look misty eyed and thoughtful while you say, “so……how are you?” Emphasizing “are.” This will send hair on back of bro straight up into defensive posture.

3. Bros do get very real with details. Yes you will have to give details of sex and your emotions. Many womens are embarrassed to talk of sex, and get all giggly and strange when conversation moves to this. They don’t want to seem slutty, or want to retain mystery, etc. You, my female friends must become comfortable with tossing out the craziest details of what you did last night. After two hours of drinking, the crazier the detail the funnier, and hence better. You know you have said they right juicy bro detail if it is met with wide eyes and “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? NO WAY!!!!” and the like.

4. Bros do share their emotions. Just not over tea. “Oh I love how I can tell you anything, just like my girlfriends!” No thank you please. Give us your feelings, leave us our gender.  See #2.

5.Bros don’t let bros drink alone. Or drive drunk, “dude, just sleep on the couch”, etc.

6. Hi five often. Or other little tappy finger bomb thingees. It’s fun to have  private customs that border on silly. Life is too serious not to  do stupid handshakes on occasion or raise your voice inappropriately.

7. Keep deeper stuff confidential, for gods sake.Trust.

6. Bros need you to be a wing man, an encourager, but never a competitor or a mom.  Let’s say you have come this far and the bro has accepted you and you him. He expresses a crush he has on this girl that really understands him, that is fun to hang out with, easy going, cute, you know, the whole Piroshki. Since you are a girl, unless his crush is of Sapphic nature, then you have advantage over male bro; you are not competitor for girls attention. Encourage bro to call, make date, but if bro doesn’t, don’t lecture or make to guilt.

But what if the crush is you? What if even after following all these precepts, your bro and you develope a real spark and out of the ashes of your burnt up bro-ship, the phoenix of love might arise?

That my friend is the danger, because once you do the touching or make the beast with two backs, things will get weirder than two frogs milking a goat, and you find you are very much a girl and a guy now.

But  then again, there is no love without risk eh?

And women look even better in tuxedo

To avoid this my female reader, go easy on make-up and sexy dress when you have bro-nites and  it wouldn’t kill you to pick your nose or scratch the crotch a couple times too. Or find gay bro and avoid much of this.

Most importantly, DUDE, GOOD LUCK! (Hi five)

Zambones has spoken.