“Dear Zamboni Who is the Most ‘Chill’ person you know?”
This question comes from J.G. Frumentoom, who lives on an organic Quinwah farm in Nebraska, and due to the winter months now seems to have too much time to ponder things.
Dear Frumentoom, before I give you your answer, for those in my audience unfamiliar with the slang I will annotate and explicate what this meaning of “chill” is for those who can’t tell a “crunk” from a “skunk”.
To be chill is to be very relaxed and just content with not doing anything special, but only just “chillin” the way an ice cube might or a baby Polar bear just “chillin'” on an ice floe.
This, though easy to answer -as is everything for I who am Zamboni- is an interesting question. Mahatma Ghandi, believe it or not, was very chill. Even when being forcibly removed and detained he was never flappable and never became aggravated. The Buddha, who I knew personally, was indeed very chill But I have to say not as fun to hang out with as Ghandi. Ghandi at least appreciated off-color jokes while the Buddha never laughed at them and often didn’t even seem to hear me when I told one- even my best one about two Catholic girls, a giraffe and a vampire- but I am splitting hairs here.
The most chill person is not a person at all. The Most Chill award goes to the Earth itself- our planet, who though not personish, is a being and an animated spirit nonetheless.
Think about it. For four billion odd years, the world has been chillin’ like a goddamn villain! I mean chillin’ hard, very, very hard. Through plagues, ice ages, popes, amoebas crawling out of the water to become squirrels, wooly mammoths, cavemen, and all the rest, the earth has basically just been sitting here, kickin’ it.
It doesn’t complain, kvetch, bemoan its outcast state or wish it was somewhere else.
It doesn’t get pissed off when it can’t find its keys or give a waiter a snarky expression after waiting like 15 minutes for him to bring the damn dessert menu. The earth is really the most kickback dude you can imagine, perhaps too kickback, but there you go. It just abides.
Perhaps there is a lesson here that Frumentoom steers us to. Though to be chill is certainly a virtue, there is a time for everything under the sun, including being the opposite of chill. What is the opposite of chill?
What do I look like, a dictionary?
Soory, i’ll chill out, brah