What is the most important thing a wife can do for her husband?

This question comes anonymously and now I Zamboni will answer it despite having disappeared from this blog for several days due to trial and hardships and yet like the old Latvian goatherder once told me, somewhat brusqeuly as I complained about milking a goat with an unusually odorous ass- “that’s life don’t be a whiny bitch.”

The best thing a wife can do for her husband are these seven tenets handed down to me by a monk we used to call “Sex Panther” back in Tibet. I am not sure why as he was quiet and celibate, but there you go. He had been married before becoming a monk, and would often share this wisdom with visiting men and women couples from the outside world.

1. Don’t condescend. Yes he is simpler and less clever than you, but do you have to let him know that? Why not keep it your lil secret?

2. Out of the blue say, “get out of the house and see your friends, I want to be alone!”

3. Wear some makeup and care about how you look, even at home. Just cuz it’s sunday morning and you are flop around to the cafe, he isn’t blind. This doesn’t mean you wear garter belt just to bend over and pick up the butter knife- but then again, why not?

4. Be demanding and up front- and when you are wronged, scream and yell! Then laugh! Anything is better than hide feelings under that weird look. Stop that look!

5. He went to that concert of Chilean reed pipes with you you know, would it kill you to eat a buffalo wing and watch Monday Night Football?

6. Make lots sexy times, sometimes even when you don’t want to- what, you think he never  do for you?

7. Sometimes just smile at him cuz you love- this might be most of all.

Often, after meditation, the sex panther and I would be sharing some Chinese Rhubarb cleansing tea over a fire. One night I conjured the courage to ask him what happened to his mairrage. “She was a ballbuster” he said while walking over the remaining coals of the fire, “and I slept with a nineteen year old.”

#8: discourage cute interns

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s