What is the Zamboni diet?

This has been asked to me many times. People will say, “Great Zamboni, surely your youthful appearance after living a few thousand years is due to some fiber-rich Paleo-Diet heavy in Omega fats and Saw Palmetto Enemas? Give me the secret, so I too can look as good as Zamboni!”

Without mincing words, I will tell you what I eat on on average day, like last February 21st:

5am: One locust. Go back to bed.

7am: Wake up. Puke up Locust. Eat 10 strips of Bacon from Black Iowa Pig. Watch four hours of Estonian TV with sound off.

11am: Eat 12 Cheremoya fruit that have rolled around the legs of a Shaman I know named Lois. Twice, counterclockwise.

cheremoya

11:30: In’ N Out Burger, double/double Zamboni-Style (on secret menu)

5pm: Martini Time!  Stash of prohibition gin from my Uncle Leroy.

5:30: Chopped Salad of Kale, Sunflower seeds, and whatever come from Mama Zamboni’s garden.

8:pm: Go to closest Michael Mina restaurant for Steak Tartare- like the caveman eat except they probably not have gherkins and caper.

10pm: Meditate on pile of hay, drink Mint Chip Milkshake, take 39 pills that Dr. Oz make especially for skin of Zamboni. Sleep.

So there you have regimen of Zamboni. But don’t obsess on the ingredients- they are not true spark of Zamboni’s health. The true thing that keeps me going is my purpose.

But Locust good for fiber. One day I learn to keep down.

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