Great Zamboni’s Presidential Endorsement is…..

Yes folks, many of the public have been pestering me, -yes Anderson Cooper I am talking to you unfriended one!- asking me something to this effect of, “Great Zamboni whom are you backing for President?” For some time I have avoided answering this question because as you know, I am personal friends with Donald Trump. Afterall it was me, many years ago whom he confided in very privately, saying to me, “Zamboni, the Donald is getting a little older and thinner up here in the hair department- what should I do?’

I took a seven day retreat of sleepless gambling and debauched alcoholism in his Atlantic City casino, gratis, and then at the end of that week the inspiration hit me on how to solve my friends Triptillomanical problems… It was a vision I got of how he could do his hair in a beautiful way. My vision was this, “there is an ocean wave, of golden hue, cresting in gauzy sheets…” and it was this way his hairdue is born. You’re welcome.

Now, as far as presidential picks go, though I love Doanld and support his call that Apple iphone move their production to the USA,  I must support Martin O’Malley for president.  Bernie is a grouch, Hillary is a shrew, but Martin is a statesman.

Zamboni always goes with gut.

The Winning Powerball Numbers

Look, winning Powerball isn’t easy. I should know. I’ve won it four times already and each time? Moe money moe problems…
But I can offer you this exercise that you can gain profit from.
If you won the billion, what would you do? Answer this fast right now without thinking.

Two things I observe. First, you just revealed what you should do with your life.
Second, I guarantee whatever you said is possible without the billion. Now I know, you said maybe “helicopter..private island…ranch in Aspen…lifetime supply of Siracha” etc.

But what you really mean by that is “beauty, peace, place to be with people i love..good condiments…” and honestly, not only is that possible without the helipad in Aspen, but you probably already have those things… Lucky you.


Just be careful what you wish for. As I found it in a threesome with Siegfried and Roy, it can get you more than you bargain for…(yes it was wrong of that Tiger to attack Roy, but he had his reasons.)




What do I do now, Zamboni, to make it impossible for crazy angry people to get guns?

This serious and timely question comes from Susan K,  a very longtime and almost dangerously devoted fan of myself who is the one called called Great Zamboni. She even carves little Zamboni figurines out of gulf shrimp. Sooo totes cute!

How I wish someone in that Parisian club had had a side arm on and killed those shooters before they did what they did. Does that make Zamboni part of the problem? Impossible!


How can we keep crazy angry violent people from having guns, indeed! Such an important question my goodness. Because even people like myself, on the No Fly list, can get guns! (Don’t worry I am not on this list due to profiling against Estonians, or immigrants or because of ties to terrorists. Zamboni is on No Fly list because the depth of my brain alters the gravitional pull of the plane making it VERY dangerous for me to fly. So I drive everywhere.)

The answer goes to the heart of what is wrong with America. And what is right. but first, a story. My grandmother used to tall me this story about the old days in Estonia: There was shepherd named Goorin who could never keep his goats alive. One by one, they’d be picked off by a group of especially rabid coyotes. This saddened him to no end and made his financial woes substantial as he was not diversified like the other peasants who had a few beehives and made bricks from cow shit. One day he went to the town elders to ask, “why do my goats keep dying, oh old sages?’ The eldest one looked at him and said, “because, you asshole, your land borders Rabid Coyote Gulch- it isn’t rocket science! Move the goats to a different place!”

Goorin moved his goats far from Rabid Coyote Gulch and all was well. Still an occasional goat was killed, but better.

My point is this, we live in a country filled with guns, and there always be some guns. Our whole country is Rabid Coyote Gulch. In fact now, almost the whole world is. We can’t change that. But we can make some small changes. Over time. Susan you have answered your own question; ” I am calling senators and representatives and I am writing letters and still nothing appears to change”,  but change happens much too slow to see it changing. The people who fought and died for civil rights, for the right to vote, for freedom- often in their lifetimes they see nothing of change. It takes time.

The question is, how many of us will fight, will dedicate our lives to this fight? And will that amount to a great movement? To a million-person march on Washington to curb gun violence? How much will we really risk to fight this?

The NRA is winning not because the world is a bad place or there’s no justice. They are winning because they are organized and funded and tireless and devoted to this one cause, and only this cause. They say that you can’t protect freedom by taking some freedoms away. I see their point.

Another obstacle is guns are fun and often useful. I’m glad George Washington had muskets. I’m glad Zamboni can blow off steam at the gun range.

get some

But it isn’t rocket science. Now that google knows everything about everyone, it shouldn’t be hard to bar those with mental illness or ties to terrorism from having guns. And no hunters I know use Machine Guns or Ar-15s to hunt (except some crazy Shiek I met once who hunts Swans)

So: lengthy background checks and renew the license every year. And about the assault rifles: Military only!

So the answer to your question is, keep making noise. Keep writing letters, but until people on your side have a similarly focused NRA type of organization, it aint gonna happen. (but there is some good news below, from today’s news!-

Against the wishes of conservative Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas, the Supreme Court rejected a challenge to a Chicago area ban on assault weapons and large-capacity magazines for ammunition, dealing a major blow to the NRA.”

And in truth, there is no us or  them. We all want the same thing: safety and security. We just disagree of the path. 

Thing I saw today, Dec 4th, 2015.

This is true. A blind woman with a guide dog made her way up a ramp to the YMCA. A man was sitting on a wall blocking a good part of the ramp. He yelled at her, “Damn woman, what the hell, why you steppin’ on my goddamn feet?”

Because she is  blind you imbecile!  I was stunned silent.

Perhaps the lesson here is this. Next time one of us gets irate, perhaps it’s because we have no idea what’s happening. Especially when we think we do.

When we yell about something, it’s usually about something else.


What should we do about the Syrian refugees, oh Zamboni?

This question came to me today via a tweet from a friend back in Arthur,  Nebraska, where I spent my youth.

This question is close to the heart of Zamboni, as I myself am an immigrant to this country of America which I love so much despite all of its warts and all.

The only thing we can do is let all the immigrants in and make them to love this country so much that not only never would they harm it, but they would tell someone if they heard of anyone about to do so. Every honest hard-working person deserves that feeling of freedom exemplified in this tableau from The Breakfast Club.


I remember when I was in California in 1941, after Pearl Harbor was bombed. Many people started to look at the Japanese immigrants as dangerous. They must all be spies etc. They were herded into concentration camps. I heard the same mutterings just this morning, “we must not let more Syrians into Tennessee” etc, “they are dangerous”, yadda yadda. Trust me, they are ECSTATIC to be safely here, it is so much more peaceful than where they were.

We really have no choice peoples. This country was built and is built everyday by immigrants, legal and not. If we let everyone in who wants to be in, once again these huddled masses can build this country.

Masses of new immigrants do not drain or bring the economy down, they actually grow it, in a  2015 paper for the Hoover Instutution, Timothy Kane wrote ” – immigrants increase labor supply and demand for goods (and labor)–shows the wage level unchanged and that the amount of new jobs is equal to the amount of migrants.” So as crazy as it seems, it’s like this:

oodles of new immigrants=no major change in economy.

But Zamboni also sees this equation:

Oodles of new immigrants=oodles of new Americans excited to be Americans, make things, contribute to society

So should we do background checks? Of course. Should we ask a lot of immigrants, maybe to learn English and  the capital of Nebraska, sure, why not. But should we adopt the fear and distrust that the Isis wants us to? No. Or as the French say, fuck Non. Like it says on the statue:

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” Oh, thanks to the French for the statue too.







Will George R.R. Martin finish writing Game of Thrones series and if he does not, what will happen to the TV show?

The above question came from a crazed Zamboni fan who slipped this question inside the olive of my Martini, and so I willingly answer, because all Zamboneheads deserve an answer from me.

Who really writes a book? Is it the author who writes it, or is it in fact the story itself  that only uses the writer as the human vessel through which it tells itself? After all, a story has a longer life than its author, and in many cases it even predates its teller. The farcical story of Romeo and Juliet was around before Shakespeare, and centuries after it was alive and well as West Side Story.  Perhaps stories come to us because they are needed at that exact time and place. Many years ago -as of course Great Zamboni has been alive forever, and I wrote the very first song-  I was hanging with my old friend Homer, the Greek tale spinner. At the time, he was composing the 38th chapter of The Odyssey, all from memory as he was blind and preferred not to commit things to paper. I said, “Yo, Homey,” as I called him quite appropriately, “Homey, don’t you think you could have one of your interns simply write these amazing verses down as you think them up, that way it could be a sort of book and-” He interrupted me.

“Zamboni your skull is as thick as the iron in the sword of great Achilles

and you understand less than a dim child. If my story cannot live in the

memory of its hearers, than it is not worth writing down. If it lasts for

a thousand years, then someone will take the trouble to scribe it down

in wine-dark ink because it will be worth the time”.

I didn’t get Homer’s words at the time -truth be told I was pretty wasted as I always forgot to dilute the damn wine, which in those days was as strong as the thighs of an Olympic javelin hurler- but now I think it becomes clear to me as I answer this question of George RR Tolkien or whatever his name is. TV moves faster than books. The modern man wants everything fast and now, everything all at the same time on three devices with screens. Since his books became TV, and the characters have lives of their own in our imagination, they will finish telling their story whether he writes it, or the TV people write it, or the fan fiction nerds write it. In other words, the show must go on, without him or with. Will it be better if it comes from his books? Either way it will be a show filled with very cruel sex between siblings, plenty ‘o people getting sliced, diced and flayed, and lots and lots and lots of fucking snow. Once a person has created a story- it’s out there and lives its own life. Game of Thrones exists for these people who are vehemently anti sunlight.

I once asked J.D. Salinger over an omelet if the popularity of catcher in the Rye, and all of the interpretations of it,  bothered him, and if so, why not just do an interview for once in his life where he talked about his art? “Holden Caufield is no more mine than anyone else’s’ old sport, in fact, i’m just the old phoney that wrote the stuff down, Holden would have had some other hack do it if not me.”

So to answer the question, G.R.R.M. need not finish the books, because the show will be fine, people will watch it all, as long as it  has the aforementioned sibling sex, and oodles of snow and doom laden backstabbing- people who like that stuff will watch. Personally, reminds me too much of my twenties so I prefer Oprah and Welcome Back Kotter reruns.

The show and the story, like all stories, will exist as long as we need it to. And when we need other stories, they will come.

Who will win the Democratic nomination?

This question was asked to me, Great Zamboni,  by Anderson Cooper, Angela Merkel, and Mark Zuckerberg this morning as we all milked goats on my Canary Island heavily gated compound, appropriately called Rancho el Zamboni.

Zuckerberg was terrible at it and required repeated tutorial by Squib, my Latvian goat handler.  Anderson  seemed like he’d been squeezing goat teat since birth. Love that guy! Angela was hungover and was resting, she told me , “I will blow sauerbrauten if I milk those fucking goats right now.” I love her! Totes.

I told them I was not a fortune teller, that I answer important questions that arise from the souls of humans, that I am not  a Vegas book maker anymore, so these questions don’t interest me much, the whole predict-the-winner thing.

But what the hell,  consistency is the hobnobbler of simple minds, so here’s my thoughts after the debate, and even though I love Trump as my ex lover and good golf buddy, I will tell what I see.  Bernie Sanders should win but he won’t because he is balding and angry- two things which have never helped someone get elected. Remember Howard Dean yelling? Remeber McCains baldy?

Hilary will get elected because she has all the smarts of her husband, is smiling more now, and will not sneak an intern into the servants quarters for a cigar blowie.

Now, who will Zamboni vote for? O’malley of course.


Hey Hungary, Fuck You!

I know, usually these columns begin with a question for me, the great one, namely, I, Great Zamboni. But today, in the morning, as I was drinking my dawn elixir of goat pee, Acai berry, and walnut shells ground to a ridiculously fine patina- I heard on the news that in Hungary they are basically saying “fuck you Syrian refugees!”. So I simply want to say FUCK YOU HUNGARY! Open your damn doors!

Now that I have got that rage out of my system, I say, more calmly, that all of us must bear this burden to help these folks find a home. USA included! And guess what? An influx of immigrants does not put strain on an economy- in fact, if anything, it helps it! This has been documented by studies. Germany is very smart. More people, means more people will need haircuts, groceries, marbles and coats- and these new people can work, supplying these new needs! Why can we not let these huddled masses into this country as well?

You know Zamboni himself is an immigrant. I came to this country wearing nothing but my fez and a dream. My dream was to live in a place where I could pursue happiness, breed goats in the fashion I prefer, rip phonebooks apart on the subway, and be who I am. Doesn’t everyone deserve that?