What Sign are You Great Zamboni?

This question I am asked often both by toothless hags in the dive bars of the Estonian night, as well as journalists, priests and the occasional cellmate I find myself familiar with while incarcerated.

Typically enough I was born during the Vernal Equinox of a leap year at the end of 1894, in a moment spliced directely between December 31st and June 21st, in a strange pocket of time lent to the universe from the Great Spirits and Zues in order to accomocate the strange and tercentennial birth of one such as Zamboni. Because I was split between the summer and the winter solstices (which was necessary for my knowledge of both Hades and the Above-world) I have no normal zoological sign such as Cancer or Tourist. I am actually born quite quixotically under the sign of Platypus.

hovering between- always!

Platypus (disambiguation).

Now before you say, “hey Zamboni, you are three figs short of a hairdo” let me profundicate to you. Like Zamboni, the Platypus is very cute and huggable. But, and perhaps you did not know this- the Platypus also has on one of its cute feet a very dangerous and poisonous spur. This is fact! Despite Zamboni’s cutness, I have -through my years in the Estonian Secret Service- a very lethal right thumb with which I have killed a grizzly bear and could do much worse.

So there you have it, the sign of Zamboni. And yet, should we really put  any truck to all the astrology stuff? Is it not like fortune cookies; whatever they say you can apply it to anyone?

It is like my old friend BB King used to say after a long night of hooch drinking with me. “Nobody loves me but my mother, and she could be jivin’ too.” The fact is, whatver is outside you, it is outside of you. Whatever is inside, is inside….”

Watch the spur!

Dangerous Cliches, #2 “Less is More”

Try telling this untruth to my poor uncle, Pecunious Shwartz. He has lost most of his hair and so must do humiliating comb-over trying to hide baldness.

Or, you go to one of these new fangling boutique restaurants even propping up in Estonia now where on your plate you have tiny little piece of meat floating on shrimpy foam and one leaf of mint. You say “is OK, less is more“, but you will still be feeling hungry.

Less is not more people! The Devil likes to be saying this to discourage you, make you weak. Is there such thing as too much peace of mind? Too much sexy time with your wife? Too much fried Twinkies?

Okay so maybe not all good examples, but even when you overdo it, you learn. Did not William Blake write, “the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom“? Yes he did, I know because I was there when he wrote it! In  fact it was my answer to his question, “hey Zamboni, is it ever too much?”

So remember, it is usually someone saying this when what they really want to say is,”this needs more!” The emperor has no clothes, he is naked. It is not just “less is more” or he is underdressed;  his hazelnuts are swinging in the breeze and that’s not good.

How is this more?

So friends, know here that more is more and less is less.

Bon appetite!

Can I have My Cake and Eat it Too?

This question comes from Maria in somewhere she is calling 29 Palms, Ca.

Maria, perhaps in a town named after a group of trees this may seem hard to accept, but the only way you should be having cake is eating it. Any other way is a waste of cake. And coming from a family of eight where limbs might be lost scrambling for even a crumb of cake, I say most definitely here: of course.

Eat the damn cake.

Hppy day for Zamboni, quick answer. Now I do golf.


“Where Does the Wind Come from?”

This was asked to Great Zamboni by Malthus Putloan, of Philadelphia, city of brothers and love.

This may come as a shock to you and most people of so-called science, but myself, Great Zamboni, does in fact know where the wind comes from. It comes from a small town called Globe, Arizona.

One night long ago after a week-long Peyote bender in Gila Bend I was tottering on Main street in Globe Arizona eating a bowl of cheese soup when I heard the wispers of a strange nature.

“Who’s that?” I asked to nowhere.

“It is I the wind,” a voice returned. “I am beginning my trip around the world here.”

“But why are you starting here in middle of nowhere?” I asked the wind.

“The rents are very cheap here. Plus, don’t you know wherever you are is the most exciting place to be”?

“But how can wind just start somewhere?” I ask.

It explained that things start as a thought then become action and so here was where the wind stayed and thought up different routes and paths to blow around, plus explaining that everyone needs a place to hang their hat.

This made much sense so Zamboni rides that wind back home to Estonia, sobered up, and I have not been back to Globe since, but if you pass through, make sure to say hello for me.

(Crestline Steakhouse now closed, very sorry to note passing of Oatmeal Ice Cream and Cheese Soup)

Myth #1 “It’s Crowded at the Top”

In my endless travels throughout the world, I , the Zambonesman have done much listening, in addition to answering of questions. Though it may seem that my mission is of a selfless nature,  I can assure you that great Zamboni is one very selfish person. That is how I and YOU should be. All your questions and comments teach me, and that is really my goal, to keep learning.

We must all take care of ourselves, after all, guess who was put on this earth to meet all your needs? Me? Your mom? Your therapist? Oprah? No , you!

So in this learning I have noticed several popular assumptions that in fact are very WRONG. The first one I will adress today is the popular wrongness of, “It’s Crowded at the Top“. People generally say this as if like they are saying, “well, good luck but it’s very tough to get there” etc.

See anyone taking a number?

I have been to the top of Mt. Everest and believe me, it is very not crowded up there. It’s very quiet. You can hear your lungs ache for oxygen and the snow crust on your mucus. Plenty of room, just some bones and initials carved into rock. You are not meeting heavy traffic there, or backstage at winners interviews for Oscars and Nobel Prize. Outside Oscars trying to get view of Nicole Kidman you are smack up against people, but on red carpet there never is traffic jam. Think about this.

People, it is the middle that is crowded. The middle ground where the average joes say, “well I like to do this with my life, but people keep saying how hard and crowded it is in this”etc…

People then say to me, “but Zamboni, what if I do not want to rat-race my way to top and struggle?” To them I say fine, but even staying in middle you have plenty of struggle, so why not set your course for where you wish to go? As Lao Tzu, and old friend once said who is now dead, “if you do not change direction you may end up where you are heading.”

Then another person recently said, “but is it lonely at the top Zamboni?”

No. Zamboni himself is at top of field off all knowing mindless sages and he is not lonely. I have the myspace!

We shepards in Estonia show their high school musical movie to goats and it induce lactation, useful and thanks you two!