Total Polenta Heaven

Many readers have asked me, “great zamboni, is there anything greater than love?” or “great zamboni, what is better than sex?” or some form of this question whatsoever. This is a difficult one, even for someone so fatuous and sagacious as the one I am, great zamboni. Though of course sex and love are two very different things, the way that a bloodthirsty jaguar and a cuddly little kitten named jinx are two different balls of wax, I can say with certainty that there is something better than both combined. This dish.

I have this today in the fog of napa valley, as great zamboni is consultant wine taster for many blenders of the grape. It was so good I ordered a second for dessert, and then a third to rub all over my ears. I hope you find your way to Hopper Creek and enjoy for yourself.

“Why do Men Just Like the Chase?”

This question came to Zamboni last night at my show at Noh Space in the beautiful city of San Francisco, coupled with a second question, “where do babies come from?”

As to the first question, it is a simple answer, but not easy to admit, as I am coming to this answer not just as the great Zambones but as a man, man.

With my big wooden stick, I spend much happy hours in the forest of Estonia hunting badger, squirrel, and chipmunk, honoring these animals by hunting with so difficult a method and eating all I kill. More than the taste of badger -kind of like chicken- I must admit it is the chase I love. Yes, I also love the chase, not just of the small furry ones, but also of romance and the women. Or men, Zamboni play National and American League.

To chase I follow them down their tunnels and through bowels of the earth quite epic no!?

Why is this? Men love the chase because it is our nature. It is in our nature to hunt and chase and pursue.You, the question asker, must remember this, and more importantly accept it. Do not ask of a scorpion to snuggle with you then be angered when it stings you, why? It is a scorpion; it is only doing what nature tells it to.

Men love the chase, accept this, and expect this. When and if you find one that also enjoys the minivan and the laundry, be that much more grateful for it. Also, give them a chase, a long chase- you can enjoy this too then!

Now the second question, about where babies are coming from:

The Chase.

What is the Food of Love?

This question comes from Anticucho, again from Lima in Peru.

If by “food” you mean what is the fuel for love, what gives love it’s power, then Zambones, I myself, will know.

Desire, sexy feeling, is the Fruit Loops of love.  Let me explain this complexness. When we eat sugar we feel great rush like we can go all day- but crash and feel empty quite soon. So attraction, which seems to be so key to love, is alas, only the tiny match that burns in briefness. This is not to knock sweets like Cannoli or ice-cream, which are high on Zamboni’s reasons to keep breathing. Or to knock sexy time which not so brief for Zambones, but sometimes last two, three, even four minutes. But I have tiger blood! Awe!

Friendship is more the  peanut butter and honey food for love. They don’t get  lots of pictures in food magazines, but these humble ingrdients can keep you going a long time. Once I lasted a week in my twenties living in the hallway broom closet of the Chelsea Hotel with nothing but a jar of of each. Friendship, well, for love to last you must have something to say to this person after Fruit Loop time or else sunday morning will be awkward.

I consulted many things for this question, Plato’s Symposium, Fabio, Danielle Steele, my favorite tree; and they all pointed me towards one thing which is the main dish of love, the Coq au Vin, the Duck a la Orange, the Pigs Blood Soup with Cherry Dumplings. It was not what I expected, nor you:


The above song is worth even more than words of Zamboni. Frank is worth three Platos, concerning love. Evidently he was a tough son of bitch to love, but that didn’t stop anyone.

“How to Stop thinking About Someone”

Todays question comes to Zambonesman from “Naked Crayon” in Massachusetts: “How does someone (me) get another person out of her head and consequently out of her life? The goal is to completely banish the other person from thought, night dreams, day dreams etc. Is there a way?

A good question Ms. Crayon, and of course, despite its difficulty, Zamboni has answer. I was once very much in love with a snake charming white witch from Bulgaria named Dracka who gave me as they say, “the old heave ho”, for a man much younger than me and also an alternate on the Bulgarian bobsled team.

For months I am pining for this woman, crying tears, thinking of her, trying to smell her in the wind and so forth. Then one day, after fasting for a week and spending 72 hours in a sweatlodge with the Winnebago Indians in Nebraska, I had a vision. In this vision, I see a coyote, but is actually Peter Coyote, the actor, and he told me this in his resonant voice:

“Zamboni my man, every rain drop has to do her work.”

? I replied confusedly as you can imagine. He explained.

“See man, the work of some people in this world is just to haunt you, to stay with you forever, even if you only saw them once on a train, or for one night, or three months, or ten years.”

“But Mr. Coyote”, I say to him, “how can I move on from this, get this witch out of my head?”

seeker, mystic, actor, biker and visitor to Zambonis brain

“You can’t, but like the raindrop, it doesn’t ever really disappear, it just evaporates into something else.”

The I remember the water cycle from Estonian school. Something about water becoming air, moisture…then water again?  Arrows going this way and that. It is very foggy as I was most often in the head nuns office being beaten with a Birch branch for questioning the teachers.

Finally at the end of my vision, I asked, “so will I ever be free of this longing?”

And Coyote answered with a big toothy tricksterish grin, “you don’t want to be.” And with that -poof- he was gone. And I was just left with the sight of his chest covered with massive tattoo of a coyote.

So my friend and reader, sometimes the truth from Zamboni is not what you want to hear. You can never “get a person out of your head”, but you can transform that feeling into something else. Just listen to it closely.

Zambones has spoken. Now hit the word “comments”  below and ask me the next question I may answer- thanks to You!