What should we do about the Syrian refugees, oh Zamboni?

This question came to me today via a tweet from a friend back in Arthur,  Nebraska, where I spent my youth.

This question is close to the heart of Zamboni, as I myself am an immigrant to this country of America which I love so much despite all of its warts and all.

The only thing we can do is let all the immigrants in and make them to love this country so much that not only never would they harm it, but they would tell someone if they heard of anyone about to do so. Every honest hard-working person deserves that feeling of freedom exemplified in this tableau from The Breakfast Club.

breakfastclub-bender

I remember when I was in California in 1941, after Pearl Harbor was bombed. Many people started to look at the Japanese immigrants as dangerous. They must all be spies etc. They were herded into concentration camps. I heard the same mutterings just this morning, “we must not let more Syrians into Tennessee” etc, “they are dangerous”, yadda yadda. Trust me, they are ECSTATIC to be safely here, it is so much more peaceful than where they were.

We really have no choice peoples. This country was built and is built everyday by immigrants, legal and not. If we let everyone in who wants to be in, once again these huddled masses can build this country.

Masses of new immigrants do not drain or bring the economy down, they actually grow it, in a  2015 paper for the Hoover Instutution, Timothy Kane wrote ” – immigrants increase labor supply and demand for goods (and labor)–shows the wage level unchanged and that the amount of new jobs is equal to the amount of migrants.” So as crazy as it seems, it’s like this:

oodles of new immigrants=no major change in economy.

But Zamboni also sees this equation:

Oodles of new immigrants=oodles of new Americans excited to be Americans, make things, contribute to society

So should we do background checks? Of course. Should we ask a lot of immigrants, maybe to learn English and  the capital of Nebraska, sure, why not. But should we adopt the fear and distrust that the Isis wants us to? No. Or as the French say, fuck Non. Like it says on the statue:

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” Oh, thanks to the French for the statue too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who will win the Democratic nomination?

This question was asked to me, Great Zamboni,  by Anderson Cooper, Angela Merkel, and Mark Zuckerberg this morning as we all milked goats on my Canary Island heavily gated compound, appropriately called Rancho el Zamboni.

Zuckerberg was terrible at it and required repeated tutorial by Squib, my Latvian goat handler.  Anderson  seemed like he’d been squeezing goat teat since birth. Love that guy! Angela was hungover and was resting, she told me , “I will blow sauerbrauten if I milk those fucking goats right now.” I love her! Totes.

I told them I was not a fortune teller, that I answer important questions that arise from the souls of humans, that I am not  a Vegas book maker anymore, so these questions don’t interest me much, the whole predict-the-winner thing.

But what the hell,  consistency is the hobnobbler of simple minds, so here’s my thoughts after the debate, and even though I love Trump as my ex lover and good golf buddy, I will tell what I see.  Bernie Sanders should win but he won’t because he is balding and angry- two things which have never helped someone get elected. Remember Howard Dean yelling? Remeber McCains baldy?

Hilary will get elected because she has all the smarts of her husband, is smiling more now, and will not sneak an intern into the servants quarters for a cigar blowie.

Now, who will Zamboni vote for? O’malley of course.

 

Strange Things Zamboni has Not Seen

Your Country America is so weird and great, but strange!

Hardly ever seen a school being built- but so many condos!

Where are the cute baby pidgeons?

All your burgers you eat- why are not there cows everywhere?

These are mysteries for sure.

Some of your houses are so gigantic, are you having many children like 12 to fill them?

What do the people at google and twitter office actually do all day?

Where does all the old newspaper go?

Why do the homeless get all the leisure time and fresh air?

How can Starbucks never once make a bad drink of coffee?

I thank you, for I am a foriegner who loves America and is baffled.

Z

Where is Putin?

Zamboni has been asked, where is Vladimir Putin? The leader of the many Russians. Like all questions, I can answer this.

Vladimir called me last week and said, “hey, Zamboni, great one, I am so frickin stressed out, with the Ukraine, my blood pressure, the oligarchs getting up my ass- what should i do to deal with this stress? I tried to take a crap it was like a Piroshki of lead in there, I’m gonna blow an O-ring if i don’t-”

-Here I interrupted him. We always talk phone, never Skype (Even though Skype was developed by Estonians and hence I love this- but Putin’s stare is very off-putting, even  for me,  the equilibrious greatzamboni, so I prefer not to see his face. Even when we play Croquet I pixilate him)

“Vlad, please, take three breaths and three sips of the Kava drink I sent to you. Now three more. Feel the freeze on the lips? Yes.. Wait for it..Good, now listen.

“Okay now, here is what you do.” I sent him to a very peaceful place I like to go, when even sometimes I great zamboni needs to relax. It is a sinkhole made by a comet that came to Earth a million years ago. In it the waters are cool and will restore your balance to the earth. I sent him there.

I cant tell you where this is, to respect his privacy. But the name of the country sounds like, "Oh man!"
I can’t tell you where this is, to respect his privacy. But the name of the country sounds like, “Oh man!”

So leave him be and worry about yourself! Because there are other more important things to worry about!

Oman Pictures

Tickets going fast for Zamboni Show!

Yes my friends, I know many of you have merely contacted me, the Great Zamboni, over the ethernet, or perhaps you have touched my garments through a security barrier- or bought a pair of my sweaty running shorts on a Japanese website- but all that can come to an end now.

Zamboni is performing live this very month in Berkeley Ca.

Thursdays, two of them. Feb 12th, 19th , at the Monkeyhouse in Berkeley.

Don’t sleep on this friends, take the hookah out of your mouth, pause Netflix, don’t go toward the light- buy these tickets now online or else you might miss it. The Monkeyhouse only fits 53 peeps, so don’t get left in the cold like a Dickensian street urchin, wandering the foggy street with chimeny dust stuck to your face begging starngers for a cup a  ‘ tay.

Get your tickets now!

http://zamboni.brownpapertickets.com/

No you can't get special treatment- buy tix online like everyone else!
No Mother T you can’t get special treatment- buy tix online like everyone else! Stop texting me!

New Year High Resolutions

Many people have asked me, “hey great zamboni, what are your new years resolutions?”

Well, here they are, rocking like a hurricane:

1. Watch all of Mindy Project because she so funny. She remind me of sassy nurse from Estonian prison where I spent three days after plum wine bender. Y2K.

2. Return Obama’s texts.

3. Stop going to Gym. I overdo so much, must relax. I have Creatine buildup in kidney so I pee orange.

4. Be as kind to myself as I try to be to others.

5. Figure out why people not like Gluten.

6. See people as people.

7. Chew my food.

8. Laugh more. Talk more. Love more.

9. Check expiration date on Milk.

10. Pay my valet the 5 bucks I borrow from him.

There it is- be well and a happy new year- like we say in Estonia, “a mean goat ruins your stew, but a sweet goat make you go hungry”