What do I do now, Zamboni, to make it impossible for crazy angry people to get guns?

This serious and timely question comes from Susan K,  a very longtime and almost dangerously devoted fan of myself who is the one called called Great Zamboni. She even carves little Zamboni figurines out of gulf shrimp. Sooo totes cute!

How I wish someone in that Parisian club had had a side arm on and killed those shooters before they did what they did. Does that make Zamboni part of the problem? Impossible!


How can we keep crazy angry violent people from having guns, indeed! Such an important question my goodness. Because even people like myself, on the No Fly list, can get guns! (Don’t worry I am not on this list due to profiling against Estonians, or immigrants or because of ties to terrorists. Zamboni is on No Fly list because the depth of my brain alters the gravitional pull of the plane making it VERY dangerous for me to fly. So I drive everywhere.)

The answer goes to the heart of what is wrong with America. And what is right. but first, a story. My grandmother used to tall me this story about the old days in Estonia: There was shepherd named Goorin who could never keep his goats alive. One by one, they’d be picked off by a group of especially rabid coyotes. This saddened him to no end and made his financial woes substantial as he was not diversified like the other peasants who had a few beehives and made bricks from cow shit. One day he went to the town elders to ask, “why do my goats keep dying, oh old sages?’ The eldest one looked at him and said, “because, you asshole, your land borders Rabid Coyote Gulch- it isn’t rocket science! Move the goats to a different place!”

Goorin moved his goats far from Rabid Coyote Gulch and all was well. Still an occasional goat was killed, but better.

My point is this, we live in a country filled with guns, and there always be some guns. Our whole country is Rabid Coyote Gulch. In fact now, almost the whole world is. We can’t change that. But we can make some small changes. Over time. Susan you have answered your own question; ” I am calling senators and representatives and I am writing letters and still nothing appears to change”,  but change happens much too slow to see it changing. The people who fought and died for civil rights, for the right to vote, for freedom- often in their lifetimes they see nothing of change. It takes time.

The question is, how many of us will fight, will dedicate our lives to this fight? And will that amount to a great movement? To a million-person march on Washington to curb gun violence? How much will we really risk to fight this?

The NRA is winning not because the world is a bad place or there’s no justice. They are winning because they are organized and funded and tireless and devoted to this one cause, and only this cause. They say that you can’t protect freedom by taking some freedoms away. I see their point.

Another obstacle is guns are fun and often useful. I’m glad George Washington had muskets. I’m glad Zamboni can blow off steam at the gun range.

get some

But it isn’t rocket science. Now that google knows everything about everyone, it shouldn’t be hard to bar those with mental illness or ties to terrorism from having guns. And no hunters I know use Machine Guns or Ar-15s to hunt (except some crazy Shiek I met once who hunts Swans)

So: lengthy background checks and renew the license every year. And about the assault rifles: Military only!

So the answer to your question is, keep making noise. Keep writing letters, but until people on your side have a similarly focused NRA type of organization, it aint gonna happen. (but there is some good news below, from today’s news!-

Against the wishes of conservative Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas, the Supreme Court rejected a challenge to a Chicago area ban on assault weapons and large-capacity magazines for ammunition, dealing a major blow to the NRA.”


And in truth, there is no us or  them. We all want the same thing: safety and security. We just disagree of the path. 

“Zamboni what can you do about Syria?”

Wow- this is a big question. I Have been thinking about this. My friend Alex Jones, extreme talk radio personality says, “how can you embrace one liberty and not embrace them all?” How can we say we objected to Hitler gassing people and we don’t want to live in that world, but maybe a thousand or so people in Syria we can live with? We didn’t know them.

We believe in the freedom to marry  who you choose, live where you choose, be who you choose, but we don’t think everyone deserves that. Just us. Others may breathe poison gas, but that’s just rough luck. I don’t even know where Syria is, etc.

I know many will say, “Zamboni, get off your cereal box,  after all, what do you know since you were named after ice-grooming contraption?” But remember, when your head is as empty as mine in between the ears, I can feel very clearly which way the breeze is blowing.

What can Zamboni do? This is the answer: We need to make military action to defend people and restore order. I say this. Line up all Navy Seals and Army Rangers and say “who volunteers for this dangerous mission to get these bad guys who gas people? Raise your hand”. Trust me, many hands will be raised.

People ask, “but why does America always have to be the one?” etc..

Because leaders aren’t always choosing to be leaders. Like my friend Bill says, “some have greatness thrust upon them.”  China and Russia are not about leading spear of freedom. Ask my Uncle Smirnoff who lives in USSR before Glasnost. Peoples heads are looking at ground. I live here in America because here,  you look out into horizon, you look up into the sky.

Look, into Iraq we went to big war for shadows of weapons that were not there. Can we not take action when evidence is so clear?

Zamboni Reflects on Juneteenth

Today I Zamboni,  worked my miracles of question answering at the Berkeley Juneteenth festival and I have to say that even Zamboni did not know what Juneteenth was till he look it up on my  ancient apple that look like Wall-E. This from the Berkeley Juneteenth site:

The Emancipation Proclamation signed by President Lincoln on January 1, 1863, freed slaves from southern states in rebellion against the United States during the Civil War. News of the signing did not reach Galveston, Texas until June 19, 1865.

So when these people hear the news they party and dance in the streets, thus the yearly celebration of freedom. Can you believe? Of course it wasn’t so simple- news had traveled to many places but things just simply didn’t change until armies came and forcefully enforced these proclamations in the very most backward pockets.

Zamboni thinks that perhaps change only comes when we are forced to it? What if your freedom depended on someone’s decision, signing a paper, and if you happened to miss the memo, you never would be free at all?

Freedom is a word we hear all the time- but what does this mean? Can someone grant it? Have you ever felt it?

See the old man in the rock? I spoke to him

When do you feel most free?