Great Zamboni’s Presidential Endorsement is…..

Yes folks, many of the public have been pestering me, -yes Anderson Cooper I am talking to you unfriended one!- asking me something to this effect of, “Great Zamboni whom are you backing for President?” For some time I have avoided answering this question because as you know, I am personal friends with Donald Trump. Afterall it was me, many years ago whom he confided in very privately, saying to me, “Zamboni, the Donald is getting a little older and thinner up here in the hair department- what should I do?’

I took a seven day retreat of sleepless gambling and debauched alcoholism in his Atlantic City casino, gratis, and then at the end of that week the inspiration hit me on how to solve my friends Triptillomanical problems… It was a vision I got of how he could do his hair in a beautiful way. My vision was this, “there is an ocean wave, of golden hue, cresting in gauzy sheets…” and it was this way his hairdue is born. You’re welcome.

Now, as far as presidential picks go, though I love Doanld and support his call that Apple iphone move their production to the USA,  I must support Martin O’Malley for president.  Bernie is a grouch, Hillary is a shrew, but Martin is a statesman.

Zamboni always goes with gut.

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What do I do now, Zamboni, to make it impossible for crazy angry people to get guns?

This serious and timely question comes from Susan K,  a very longtime and almost dangerously devoted fan of myself who is the one called called Great Zamboni. She even carves little Zamboni figurines out of gulf shrimp. Sooo totes cute!

How I wish someone in that Parisian club had had a side arm on and killed those shooters before they did what they did. Does that make Zamboni part of the problem? Impossible!

guns

How can we keep crazy angry violent people from having guns, indeed! Such an important question my goodness. Because even people like myself, on the No Fly list, can get guns! (Don’t worry I am not on this list due to profiling against Estonians, or immigrants or because of ties to terrorists. Zamboni is on No Fly list because the depth of my brain alters the gravitional pull of the plane making it VERY dangerous for me to fly. So I drive everywhere.)

The answer goes to the heart of what is wrong with America. And what is right. but first, a story. My grandmother used to tall me this story about the old days in Estonia: There was shepherd named Goorin who could never keep his goats alive. One by one, they’d be picked off by a group of especially rabid coyotes. This saddened him to no end and made his financial woes substantial as he was not diversified like the other peasants who had a few beehives and made bricks from cow shit. One day he went to the town elders to ask, “why do my goats keep dying, oh old sages?’ The eldest one looked at him and said, “because, you asshole, your land borders Rabid Coyote Gulch- it isn’t rocket science! Move the goats to a different place!”

Goorin moved his goats far from Rabid Coyote Gulch and all was well. Still an occasional goat was killed, but better.

My point is this, we live in a country filled with guns, and there always be some guns. Our whole country is Rabid Coyote Gulch. In fact now, almost the whole world is. We can’t change that. But we can make some small changes. Over time. Susan you have answered your own question; ” I am calling senators and representatives and I am writing letters and still nothing appears to change”,  but change happens much too slow to see it changing. The people who fought and died for civil rights, for the right to vote, for freedom- often in their lifetimes they see nothing of change. It takes time.

The question is, how many of us will fight, will dedicate our lives to this fight? And will that amount to a great movement? To a million-person march on Washington to curb gun violence? How much will we really risk to fight this?

The NRA is winning not because the world is a bad place or there’s no justice. They are winning because they are organized and funded and tireless and devoted to this one cause, and only this cause. They say that you can’t protect freedom by taking some freedoms away. I see their point.

Another obstacle is guns are fun and often useful. I’m glad George Washington had muskets. I’m glad Zamboni can blow off steam at the gun range.

get some

But it isn’t rocket science. Now that google knows everything about everyone, it shouldn’t be hard to bar those with mental illness or ties to terrorism from having guns. And no hunters I know use Machine Guns or Ar-15s to hunt (except some crazy Shiek I met once who hunts Swans)

So: lengthy background checks and renew the license every year. And about the assault rifles: Military only!

So the answer to your question is, keep making noise. Keep writing letters, but until people on your side have a similarly focused NRA type of organization, it aint gonna happen. (but there is some good news below, from today’s news!-

Against the wishes of conservative Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas, the Supreme Court rejected a challenge to a Chicago area ban on assault weapons and large-capacity magazines for ammunition, dealing a major blow to the NRA.”

http://www.salon.com/2015/12/07/supreme_court_hands_the_nra_a_major_defeat_court_rejects_challenge_to_local_assault_weapons

And in truth, there is no us or  them. We all want the same thing: safety and security. We just disagree of the path. 

What should we do about the Syrian refugees, oh Zamboni?

This question came to me today via a tweet from a friend back in Arthur,  Nebraska, where I spent my youth.

This question is close to the heart of Zamboni, as I myself am an immigrant to this country of America which I love so much despite all of its warts and all.

The only thing we can do is let all the immigrants in and make them to love this country so much that not only never would they harm it, but they would tell someone if they heard of anyone about to do so. Every honest hard-working person deserves that feeling of freedom exemplified in this tableau from The Breakfast Club.

breakfastclub-bender

I remember when I was in California in 1941, after Pearl Harbor was bombed. Many people started to look at the Japanese immigrants as dangerous. They must all be spies etc. They were herded into concentration camps. I heard the same mutterings just this morning, “we must not let more Syrians into Tennessee” etc, “they are dangerous”, yadda yadda. Trust me, they are ECSTATIC to be safely here, it is so much more peaceful than where they were.

We really have no choice peoples. This country was built and is built everyday by immigrants, legal and not. If we let everyone in who wants to be in, once again these huddled masses can build this country.

Masses of new immigrants do not drain or bring the economy down, they actually grow it, in a  2015 paper for the Hoover Instutution, Timothy Kane wrote ” – immigrants increase labor supply and demand for goods (and labor)–shows the wage level unchanged and that the amount of new jobs is equal to the amount of migrants.” So as crazy as it seems, it’s like this:

oodles of new immigrants=no major change in economy.

But Zamboni also sees this equation:

Oodles of new immigrants=oodles of new Americans excited to be Americans, make things, contribute to society

So should we do background checks? Of course. Should we ask a lot of immigrants, maybe to learn English and  the capital of Nebraska, sure, why not. But should we adopt the fear and distrust that the Isis wants us to? No. Or as the French say, fuck Non. Like it says on the statue:

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” Oh, thanks to the French for the statue too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will George R.R. Martin finish writing Game of Thrones series and if he does not, what will happen to the TV show?

The above question came from a crazed Zamboni fan who slipped this question inside the olive of my Martini, and so I willingly answer, because all Zamboneheads deserve an answer from me.

Who really writes a book? Is it the author who writes it, or is it in fact the story itself  that only uses the writer as the human vessel through which it tells itself? After all, a story has a longer life than its author, and in many cases it even predates its teller. The farcical story of Romeo and Juliet was around before Shakespeare, and centuries after it was alive and well as West Side Story.  Perhaps stories come to us because they are needed at that exact time and place. Many years ago -as of course Great Zamboni has been alive forever, and I wrote the very first song-  I was hanging with my old friend Homer, the Greek tale spinner. At the time, he was composing the 38th chapter of The Odyssey, all from memory as he was blind and preferred not to commit things to paper. I said, “Yo, Homey,” as I called him quite appropriately, “Homey, don’t you think you could have one of your interns simply write these amazing verses down as you think them up, that way it could be a sort of book and-” He interrupted me.

“Zamboni your skull is as thick as the iron in the sword of great Achilles

and you understand less than a dim child. If my story cannot live in the

memory of its hearers, than it is not worth writing down. If it lasts for

a thousand years, then someone will take the trouble to scribe it down

in wine-dark ink because it will be worth the time”.

I didn’t get Homer’s words at the time -truth be told I was pretty wasted as I always forgot to dilute the damn wine, which in those days was as strong as the thighs of an Olympic javelin hurler- but now I think it becomes clear to me as I answer this question of George RR Tolkien or whatever his name is. TV moves faster than books. The modern man wants everything fast and now, everything all at the same time on three devices with screens. Since his books became TV, and the characters have lives of their own in our imagination, they will finish telling their story whether he writes it, or the TV people write it, or the fan fiction nerds write it. In other words, the show must go on, without him or with. Will it be better if it comes from his books? Either way it will be a show filled with very cruel sex between siblings, plenty ‘o people getting sliced, diced and flayed, and lots and lots and lots of fucking snow. Once a person has created a story- it’s out there and lives its own life. Game of Thrones exists for these people who are vehemently anti sunlight.

I once asked J.D. Salinger over an omelet if the popularity of catcher in the Rye, and all of the interpretations of it,  bothered him, and if so, why not just do an interview for once in his life where he talked about his art? “Holden Caufield is no more mine than anyone else’s’ old sport, in fact, i’m just the old phoney that wrote the stuff down, Holden would have had some other hack do it if not me.”

So to answer the question, G.R.R.M. need not finish the books, because the show will be fine, people will watch it all, as long as it  has the aforementioned sibling sex, and oodles of snow and doom laden backstabbing- people who like that stuff will watch. Personally, reminds me too much of my twenties so I prefer Oprah and Welcome Back Kotter reruns.

The show and the story, like all stories, will exist as long as we need it to. And when we need other stories, they will come.

Steve Seabrook to Join Zamboni on Stage!

Yes folks, the only person ever in the world who ever proved himself  as profound as great zamboni- Steve Seabrook!

Mr. Seabrook will join me great zamboni on stage at the Monkey House in Berkeley on May 20thth at 8pm.

After you see him, you will never be the same you you were when you walked in the door!

Save the date! and never dream alone!

What are you in the business of?

Everyone is a business man or businesswoman.

I do not refer to your job or gig or occupation.

Each of us must decide what we are in the business of. Some people are in the business of spreading joy and love. Some in the business of greed, or gaining attention. Some spend energy on being victims, or angry. Sinatra was in the business not of singing, but of bringing joy and an incredible style and confidence to the world. Leonardo wasn’t in the business of painting, he was in the business of teaching mankind how to dream and then build those dreams. Rosa Parks was not in the business of riding buses but of evolving her world.

A better question next time you meet a person at a fried shrimp bonanza or a Polo match, instead of “what do you do for a living?” is “what do you want you your legacy to be?”

What are you in the business of? Why are you really here?

Great Zamboni is in the business of showing people that inside, they are the true great zambonis. He do this through laughter and provoking thoughts.

Tell me how bout you?

http://www.tcgcircle.org/2013/07/agents-of-change/

Zamboni Sells Out!

I really had a  time last night. It was the last of my two shows at the Monkey House. I looked out through a crack in the back curtain at 7:50 and saw maybe two people. Much sadness. I think to myself, “what the fuck man?! Here I am busting my humps- paying for the damn space..doing my show, and nobody come…” etc etc. cue tiny fingertip violin.

But then I come out at 8:10 and the place is packed. Full.  My first sell out show. People are drinking their beers and splitting cervixes they are laughing so hard. The questions as well were great they ask to Zamboni (“What’s the difference between the male orgasm and the femael orgasm?…Where did your name come from?… Should i have a baby with Zamboni?”) 

I left the Monkeyhouse with hope. I still am angry that offers don’t get delivered to me on plates. Afterall, everytime I do show, people laugh, they sigh, they learn something- they enjoy- so why don’t more people say “Hey Zamboni, do show in my theatre! Make me a million sheckels as I produce you on Broadway “etc. But this does not happen.

But as long as people keep coming and enjoying, laughing and thinking- I have chance to get on Jimmy Kimmel and Carnegie Hall.

Thanks you, if you came to see show- if not don’t sleep on the next one.

How the Hell am I Ever Going to Get to Carnegie Hall?

This is a very good question Zamboni, and since you have asked yourself -me, the great zamboni, certainly we can come to a good and right answer.

Dreaming of Big Fish, appreciating my hard core or fans I have now! Ed, Linda, Eva, Ralph, Eli, Dash, Solia, (chesire isaacs photo)
Dreaming of Big Fish, appreciating my hard core or fans I have now! Ed, Linda, Eva, Ralph, Eli, Dash, Solia, (chesire isaacs photo)

You certainly have a long road ahead. You are currently what we call in Estonian show business parlance, “small goat nuts”. Last Thursday’s show at The Monkey House in Berkeley was no doubt rocking like a hurricane, but most people there were directly related to you, at least by blood or two degrees. Take your mom out of the equation?=crickets. So I take your question to really be, how can I expand my audience, my name, my reknown so that larger and larger doors open and the world can know and appreciate the who and what and how of Zamboni, is that it?

Yes, more or less Zamboni, you are insightful.

Okay, thank you, as I promised, even if it is myself asking the question, great zamboni can never be stumped. Here is what you must do.

Be everywhere. All the time. Doing Zamboni. Like my granny Priitik used to draw in the dirt, (she was mute): If you are trying to snag a moby dick, use a big god damn net.

Shirts, stickers, Internet virus video, talent shows, open mics, bar and bat mitzvahs, remember those books as a child, Lowly Worm, how that worm shows up everywhere? Be the worm!

Keep getting better Zamboni, keep your eyes on the big fish, even if you get pre-occupied with being a small fish- know where you wish to be headed and keep one eye on that. Yes its easy to get bitter because success isn’t served on platter to you, or this person never comes to your show, or no one seems to give a shit about developing solo artists in this damn town, etc- but as my drill sargeant in Estonian Special Forces liked to say “boo fucking hoo! now keep marching you partakers in goat ass!” ( hard to translate)

So Zamboni, be everywhere. Make your success an inevitable fact. Make Carnegie Hall too small a venue to fit your your fans, but do it anyway (have to add an 11:00 show) But only do this as long as it is fun.

Best Christmas Blog Post Ever

Christmas Eve, 2014

Your stockings are pretty much empty. The tree is small. There are no presents under it, wrapped in stripey or any other kind of paper. Your nuclear family detonated long ago. Your relatives live in the city or travel from here to there, or have other families to be with. One brother is somewhere in France, you’re not sure. The other lives across the pond. Maybe you have a few memories of ham dinners and stockings bursting with oranges and pistachios and a hundred chotchkes you can’t recall now. That’s cool.

Your daughter is far away. Complicated.  Your girl is skiing, probably taking a lesson from someone named Chad, who won a Bronze medal in Freestyle something, but he’s like, “not a big deal, I was just stoked to be there.”

None of this really matters. It’s raining. You are loved and in love. Your son’s coming over to eat steak and watch Diner. (and he’s getting so handsome!) It’ your movie. Christmas, Baltimore, 1959.

The older I get the more it seems there are two ways to look at life, and pretty much only two:

a) Why does everything go wrong and suck?

b) This isn’t perfect, but  it’s pretty fuckin’ awesome.

Every day you choose to be sad or happy or nervous or whatever. You wake up and wonder, “where does all this anxiety come from?”. It’s pretty silly really, life is good if you’re living it. And any Christmas you’re around to experience is the best one ever. There’s an old saying, “angst is lame.”

Happy One to You. -jw