Clip from Zamboni Show, 2011

Herein I answer 3 questions from studio audience.. One about tennis, “Why is the backhand a weaker stroke?”,  one about Estonia Independance Day celebration, and one “why do people play golf?” To you people, put the mousie on that purple line below here and click!

Enjoy! And please hit the word “comment” below and ask me one of your own.

A Sentence About a Not so Lazy Day of Summer

q: "What is it? a:"the stuff dreams are made of "

I woke up and said today is gonna be a fun day, and Dash said why and I said, I don’t know I just feel like it is, and it was and maybe that had something to do with it, saying that, or it could have been the actual records-stacked-side-by-side jukebox in the Peninsula Fountain and Grill in Palo Alto, that actually works, green and red buttons lit up I can’t believe it works, yes if you hit the letter and the number buttons and hold them down at exactly the same time- and hearing “Shout!” a little bit louder now, “Shout!” as we ate our trio of pies Chocolate Pecan, Blueberry and Chocolate Cream, this after seeing Maltese Falcon at the Stanford Theatre, a 194o’s  little town movie palace complete with chandeliers and Wurlitzer organ, but we were hungry as hell so we didn’t stay around for, I know I  know, yes we skipped out on Casablanca which  was part 2 of the double bill,  we were hungry (short ribs with mash, turkey Pot pie, even Dash who’s the King of Blase says, “this is my favorite restaurant ever!” but as we paid the check the kids said “why not go back and see the end of it?” and we did, though it’d been a long day, and earlier laying flat on the ground outside Stanford Practice Football field where in a knothole in the fence we watched a coach dwarved against a defensive line of giants putting them through  some stamp on the ground flip over then stamp on the ground and flip back over again drill, yelling, “it’s not so fuckin hard is it? You wanna get the hell outta there on third down right?” and we all felt right at home then,  back on our couch plowing through all five seasons of Friday Night Lights, and then we’d tossed the pigskin around ourselves in the sun on the grass and buzzed over to the theatre for Maltese Falcon which isn’t one tenth what Casablanca is, sorry Dashiell Hammet, but now we’re in the balcony, about as high as that chandelier watching Casblanca and i’m filling the kids in where I can, whispering (“see, I told you we’d probably come in right at the flashback to their week in Paris” and “those are the Nazis who are kind of in control but the french are sort of too”) and we watched until the end and Faye laughed when Rick said don’t forget  i’ve got the gun pointed at your heart and Louis responds, “that is my least vulnerable part” and the fog rolls in so fast as that movie steams to it’s conclusion and the propellers start spinning, I notice the kids aren’t fidgeting and  when Louis says, “captain Strasser’s been shot…round up the usual suspects” I could tell they understood that some sticky situations  can work out alright with friendship thrown into it and when the two walk off into the fog and, “this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship” and the applause rises from the crowd and in the car on the way home you hear them tell their mom on the phone, “it was such a cool movie” and I know that the first time they saw it was there, with me-  and maybe three people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this life but this is us three and it’s our damn beans, and Rick and Ilsa will always have Paris, but we’ll  always have this night, walking out as the mighty Wurlitzer plays it again Sam and fades away.

jw

Can Women Pee Standing Up?

This question comes to Zambones from Howard in “Tuscaloosa,” somewhere.

Howard, Zambones has seen this feat, and I can assure you it take me many months to recover. So yes, it can be done, but should it? No.

Gender equality shouldn’t mean that we the sexes are the same, rather that we have equal rights and powers.

I was going to marry this sheperdess named Phillipaskova, she was very dear to me. Getting home late one night from mushroom foraging I come upon her doing this act like a football player in the backyard. Ripping open big stream with one leg propped on  rusty tractor. Like Flock of Seagulls, I ran, believe me I ran so very far away.

Yes, women can rise and hold door open for you. A man can join a book club, read Jane Austen and drink white wine in discussion, but these things should not be. Let us celebrate and tolerate all types of diversity- and this is part of it.

I wish you prosperousness and that you not see what I saw-

Thank you writing to Zambones!

A Sentence about Your Daughter’s First Dance

You realize you don’t know much because you just called at 9 pm to say goodnight and your ex tells you, “she’s at a dance” and you say “what” because that doesn’t sound right, she’s in the 8th grade, but she says it again, and that she wore that new black dress that her grandma got her and you realize you haven’t even seen that dress what does it look like and you wonder when she stopped being at home at 9pm and more than this you wonder aloud oh god I hope she isn’t getting groped beneath the bleachers and she laughs your ex she laughs  and says of course not, she’s too young  and you don’t say aloud that when you were her age and younger that’s all you wanted to do thinking please god let me cop a feel soon please but all you say to your ex is you’re gonna give her that talk right because you really haven’t yet well you did one cold night on the way to the frozen yogurt store but it was pretty silent on her part and you just kind of said a bunch of things at her but now you’re thinking is she dancing or is she one of the gigling ones  off to the side, has a boy asked her and she blushed so red like she does or is she just running around outside being a kid and you try not to worry that she has never spoken to you or her mom about a boy or a crush ever,  while you know very well  her phone is always busy humming and glowing and flashing and it isn’t like when we were kids when if a boy called the house phone which would actually ring a dad could pick up and be like, WHO’S THIS, no- today there aint much room to intervene but then you decide to stop worrying and you think about being in the 6th grade at someone’s party and September by Earth Wind and Fire is playing and even then your reptilian little 6th grade mind knew it was a special moment you would probably remember when you were ancient which you are now and I guess that brain wasn’t so reptilian then, and you hope your daughter, my daughter, you hope she’s having a moment like that, like maybe she’s dancing with someone she likes, does she like anyone, should she- you know she does and you hope not under the bleachers god not under the bleachers or under that dress and you hope this isn’t the end of her wanting to say goodnight or be tucked in and she could have at least texted me but you know it’s all gonna turn out right because it has to and you realize you don’t really know that much but probably nobody knows much more and you wanna call and see she got home safe but you know it’s probably too late and if anything did happen would she tell you and you just don’t know, you sure as hell you don’t know a thing.

-jw

(Zamboni returning soon.)

I am a woman; How Can I be a “Bro”?

It is a great question which comes from reader, Hermia. She also says to Zamboni, that she is always losing her man friends and not knowing why, and so wishes to know how to be more of a friend that keeps the man friends that she has.

Dear Hermia, Zamboni can help you with this, and I will first tell you it is most difficult and even in the way of your asking I am noticing how you go wrong. But don’t worry, if you follow a few simple rules, I can have you knocking back beers and laughing very loud in no time.

1. Bros are never posssessive. Already with your “hey how come you never call?” type of feelings, you are already travelling far from the land of the Bros. My bro may not call for one or two weeks, but when he do,  I answer only with “yo! waasup bro! let’s hang, its been too long.” Be very careful you are not answering with faint passive-agressive, “oh…hey…..you called…..I thought you were dead……ha…” That will immediately cloud the waters of Bro-dom into very murkiness. Bros don’t need guilt from their bros, they get this already.

2. Bros talk about sports, movies, or funny bullshit for like first two hours of bro “hangtime.” This, while starting to eat and drink, sets a neutral, healthy tone to the evening, letting each bro know they are in a safe-zone of non-threatening palaver. During this time, never get pensive look on your face, rest chin on one hand, look misty eyed and thoughtful while you say, “so……how are you?” Emphasizing “are.” This will send hair on back of bro straight up into defensive posture.

3. Bros do get very real with details. Yes you will have to give details of sex and your emotions. Many womens are embarrassed to talk of sex, and get all giggly and strange when conversation moves to this. They don’t want to seem slutty, or want to retain mystery, etc. You, my female friends must become comfortable with tossing out the craziest details of what you did last night. After two hours of drinking, the crazier the detail the funnier, and hence better. You know you have said they right juicy bro detail if it is met with wide eyes and “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? NO WAY!!!!” and the like.

4. Bros do share their emotions. Just not over tea. “Oh I love how I can tell you anything, just like my girlfriends!” No thank you please. Give us your feelings, leave us our gender.  See #2.

5.Bros don’t let bros drink alone. Or drive drunk, “dude, just sleep on the couch”, etc.

6. Hi five often. Or other little tappy finger bomb thingees. It’s fun to have  private customs that border on silly. Life is too serious not to  do stupid handshakes on occasion or raise your voice inappropriately.

7. Keep deeper stuff confidential, for gods sake.Trust.

6. Bros need you to be a wing man, an encourager, but never a competitor or a mom.  Let’s say you have come this far and the bro has accepted you and you him. He expresses a crush he has on this girl that really understands him, that is fun to hang out with, easy going, cute, you know, the whole Piroshki. Since you are a girl, unless his crush is of Sapphic nature, then you have advantage over male bro; you are not competitor for girls attention. Encourage bro to call, make date, but if bro doesn’t, don’t lecture or make to guilt.

But what if the crush is you? What if even after following all these precepts, your bro and you develope a real spark and out of the ashes of your burnt up bro-ship, the phoenix of love might arise?

That my friend is the danger, because once you do the touching or make the beast with two backs, things will get weirder than two frogs milking a goat, and you find you are very much a girl and a guy now.

But  then again, there is no love without risk eh?

And women look even better in tuxedo

To avoid this my female reader, go easy on make-up and sexy dress when you have bro-nites and  it wouldn’t kill you to pick your nose or scratch the crotch a couple times too. Or find gay bro and avoid much of this.

Most importantly, DUDE, GOOD LUCK! (Hi five)

Zambones has spoken.

Myth #1 “It’s Crowded at the Top”

In my endless travels throughout the world, I , the Zambonesman have done much listening, in addition to answering of questions. Though it may seem that my mission is of a selfless nature,  I can assure you that great Zamboni is one very selfish person. That is how I and YOU should be. All your questions and comments teach me, and that is really my goal, to keep learning.

We must all take care of ourselves, after all, guess who was put on this earth to meet all your needs? Me? Your mom? Your therapist? Oprah? No , you!

So in this learning I have noticed several popular assumptions that in fact are very WRONG. The first one I will adress today is the popular wrongness of, “It’s Crowded at the Top“. People generally say this as if like they are saying, “well, good luck but it’s very tough to get there” etc.

See anyone taking a number?

I have been to the top of Mt. Everest and believe me, it is very not crowded up there. It’s very quiet. You can hear your lungs ache for oxygen and the snow crust on your mucus. Plenty of room, just some bones and initials carved into rock. You are not meeting heavy traffic there, or backstage at winners interviews for Oscars and Nobel Prize. Outside Oscars trying to get view of Nicole Kidman you are smack up against people, but on red carpet there never is traffic jam. Think about this.

People, it is the middle that is crowded. The middle ground where the average joes say, “well I like to do this with my life, but people keep saying how hard and crowded it is in this”etc…

People then say to me, “but Zamboni, what if I do not want to rat-race my way to top and struggle?” To them I say fine, but even staying in middle you have plenty of struggle, so why not set your course for where you wish to go? As Lao Tzu, and old friend once said who is now dead, “if you do not change direction you may end up where you are heading.”

Then another person recently said, “but is it lonely at the top Zamboni?”

No. Zamboni himself is at top of field off all knowing mindless sages and he is not lonely. I have the myspace!

We shepards in Estonia show their high school musical movie to goats and it induce lactation, useful and thanks you two!

Zamboni, What Are You Wearing?

This great question comes from reader, “Sweetstachebro”. It is not talked of enough, what we wear. ! As Mark Twain said or maybe Shakespeare- I don’t really know the difference, “the clothes make the man”. So think of this the next time you go out in public with your cracked toes in flippy flops and a T-Shirt that says like, Hang Ten, or Chico State or something, and jeans that be hanging below your tush- what does this say about YOU?

I wear a bowtie. Now I know there are haters of bowtie who say man who wear bowtie cannot achieve erection. But I can assure you, personally, this is untrue. I have woody of great reknown once a year on the Autumnal equinox that lasts for 16 hours during which time I donate my seeds for charity.

It is very difficult to learn the bowtie tie, it takes patience and the help of a man at Brooks, but it is quite worth it. Isn’t the difficult more worthwhile sometimes? Unlike a regular tie, you cannot see what you are doing because it is right there below your chin.

Sometimes life blinds us- but we must continue, no?

Blazers? Always Harris Tweed. This woven by real people in little shacks on remote islands off Scotland. You look close it even have bits of colorful heather and peat in it. I don’t know what either of those are, but they are best tweeds. In picture I wear red only because it is club color.

Jackets always vintage, always union made, and under 10$ at Army of Salvation. It 50 years old and will still outlast that thing your girlfriend got you from Banannas Republic. Viva Amalgamated Clothing and Garment Workers of Your America!

Yes the jeans are patched. Always patch and save. Like women, clothes only get more beautiful with age, BUT only if you/they do not hide the age. Like snow white hair, you see my jeans proudly wear and are purified by their experiences. They are patched with the shred of a dress worn by a french lover from long ago. Memories of  a painfully stony beach  on the Riviera.

Above my right hand on the lapel you see a chzotchke of shiny metal. This must remain my secret as if I told you of the Order it is signifying I would have to eat you. Though it is greater to have a future, a  man should still retain some of his mysterious past.

Underwear? No. Like Nutrasweet in my coffee; Never have, never will.

Your Fate is in the Box. Would it kill you to wear a jacket and tie occasionally?

Milkshake of Meaning: Ingredient #1

The first ingredient in my milkshake is darkness and dreaming. It is Pomegranate. This actually very healthy despite symbolic add-ons from Zamboni.

“A man must dream a long time in order to act with grandeur, and dreaming is nursed in darkness.” -Jean Genet

We spend so much time as children, then as young people, then as adults, dreaming of tomorrow. “I will do this, …be this”. Zambonesman, which is me, dreams of playing Carnegie Hall in the year 2020. This is grandeur, no? I don’t even know if this place is still existing- is it? Perhaps by then it will be “Triscuit Pavillion” or “The Malt-O-Meal Dome” but still it is my dream which I guard. They are our great possessions, but only if we take them seriously. Otherwise it is just like smoke or wind from ass.

Pomegranate seeds were given to Persephone by the tricky Hades, king of under-place, so that she would have to return to the darkness half of each year.

They say she was "kidnapped" by Hades but she look pretty fascinated to me. Sometimes the woman are liking the bad guy. Believe me, Zamboni know a nice guy, his single streak last decades.

When we read the myth as children, we think that is all bad for her, “oh poor thing she has to be away from mommy for 6 months each year, yadda yadda…” But really, the myth is telling us we need to spend equal time in the dark places as the light. The juice of this is blood red like the rushing blood under surface of our skin. It is also very hard word to spell but hey Devil, I have spellchek biotch! FACIAL!

It is still there.


Take that Fiend! POW! (Stay tuned for next ingredients…)

What We Live For (5)

(Zamboni to return soon- but till then-)

It doesn’t get much better than this:

1. My brother gets married. I’m the best man. (Well, I wasn’t really but The World’s Most Beautiful Bridesmaid says to me over too much wine at rehearsal dinner, “so just ask him!” so I did, hence the upgrade.) But I really was all the time. This I realize now.

2. I offer to drive said Bridesmaid (plus 2 others just as lovely) to my place of lodging so she does not have to travel many miles to hers and mine being “only five minutes” down the road. I get lost and am for 90 minutes circling through  blackness of Sonoma coyote country. I call my brother who has GPS app and talks me through it all despite him being waked from pre-nuptial bed. But with this bridesmaid beside me and Stray Cat Strut bombing down two lane nowhere I am both hating myself and loving myself for being this lost. Finally finding the place but just narrowly averting death by wakened dog at 2am and not averting being woken up by never shutting up rooster at 5am- even all this can’t kill high.

3. Then the wedding. And I know by his and hers smile that “encouraging” brother to get the hell off the pot and finally ask this girl to marry him was rightest thing I ever do.

4. And the toast. Wasn’t so much that it was great toast. (Though hearing rooster through throbbing head at 5am does give me epiphany: my brother is my GPS- and now his wife is his.) It was just to be there, doing that. I can’t explain right. Let me try: To be the best man, to have the responsibility to give the toast, to see these two, everyone, these moments that happen once in your life, the love I feel even now thinking of this. It makes so much bearble, even necessary. To be needed, to be loved, to be important to people- if that’s all there is in this life; I’m okay.

5. Oh, and the manicure was  fantastic. The oily arm and finger massage so nice. Her name was Joanne, told me all about her kids and I told her things I’d never tell you. Definitely the only kind of hand job you want with your brother in the room. This isn’t Rome after all. -jw

"all who wander are not lost" I myself was... but we finally found bar like Twin Peaks- "should I stop in" I says to my bro "yes yes of course!" I do and they have great jukebox and a local with goatee and trucker hat writes out directions for me, talking to me slow, like I am five and french.

Zambones Video Archive, #1

In this time of needing much leadership to harness great democratic surge in Middle East, I offer this peace-themed video from Zamboni. It was answer to the question, why did Obama win Nobel?

http://www.youtube.com/user/hypedrama#p/u/2/S8GOeHOxuVQ

Perhaps this is the year where he could really earn one of these, Zamboni prays for him and this. And I think best in the bathroom, that is why you see this my shower curtain.