Dear Zamboni, what is Love?

My uncle Sol Funkenheimer, or as we kids called him “the luge”, had a saying, “little Zamboni,”, he’d say “love is like a one way ticket to Palookaville, love is also like a box of Triscuits but sometimes you open the box and reach in and find scorpions instead of triscuits, love is a one-way street but people try to drive in both directions on this street, love is like a beautiful fall day and then you get the flu…” and so on.

We could never make heads nor shrimp of what the man was saying, but nevertheless it makes one think.

I say love is truly simple to understand but difficult to do. You have to let go of many things to truly love.  Fear. Anger. Distrust. You also have to give much, and then give more. But the giving should not always feel like work. It is also being grateful. Giving foot massages. Doing of laundry too is lovely. But if I had to answer in one word, what is love? I will most certainly say it is this: Mt. Fuji. Very poetic and beautiful and perfect seen from a distance- but when you’re on it, a damn hard climb. I know, i’ve done it- twice!

I once made a film under the acting name of Rudolph Valentino, and in this scene, the nature of love -quixotic and impossible to force- is wonderfully evidenced. 

What is the Food of Love?

This question comes from Anticucho, again from Lima in Peru.

If by “food” you mean what is the fuel for love, what gives love it’s power, then Zambones, I myself, will know.

Desire, sexy feeling, is the Fruit Loops of love.  Let me explain this complexness. When we eat sugar we feel great rush like we can go all day- but crash and feel empty quite soon. So attraction, which seems to be so key to love, is alas, only the tiny match that burns in briefness. This is not to knock sweets like Cannoli or ice-cream, which are high on Zamboni’s reasons to keep breathing. Or to knock sexy time which not so brief for Zambones, but sometimes last two, three, even four minutes. But I have tiger blood! Awe!

Friendship is more the  peanut butter and honey food for love. They don’t get  lots of pictures in food magazines, but these humble ingrdients can keep you going a long time. Once I lasted a week in my twenties living in the hallway broom closet of the Chelsea Hotel with nothing but a jar of of each. Friendship, well, for love to last you must have something to say to this person after Fruit Loop time or else sunday morning will be awkward.

I consulted many things for this question, Plato’s Symposium, Fabio, Danielle Steele, my favorite tree; and they all pointed me towards one thing which is the main dish of love, the Coq au Vin, the Duck a la Orange, the Pigs Blood Soup with Cherry Dumplings. It was not what I expected, nor you:


The above song is worth even more than words of Zamboni. Frank is worth three Platos, concerning love. Evidently he was a tough son of bitch to love, but that didn’t stop anyone.

Will I find my true love this year?

This question comes from the thoughtful reader and artist, R. Dario from Oakland Ca.

In short Dario, the answer is yes.

But we must be careful about using this word “true” with love. It sounds like “truth”, which sounds like “fact” and the one thing Zambonesman knows about love is that it feeds on very unfactful things like imagination, impulses, insticts, and feelings. Zambonesman himself is fatally in love with a white witch from the hills above Bellarus named Drachma. Drachma herself has no likewise feelings for Zamboni, which is me, and has let me know this in many ways, some kind (letters) some more direct (Interpol Restraining Order). My feelings for her are so great, that had I four lives to live with her in the bliss of a hillside dairy, I would without hesitation.Is my ardor due to her refusal? Perhaps. Love does like adversity. The great Chekhov knew this well.

Now, is she my “true” love? I don’t know, true for me maybe but not for her; though one day I trust she will see we are meant to make many children together. Dario, be careful what you wish for, because your true love might be a hurricane of emotion, or easy like Lionel Richie Sunday mornin’. Most likely both on alternate days. What you should focus on my friend, is something else. The Goddess of love, Aphrodite, likes to think of herself as doing at least some of the matchmaking.

Nevertheless, by all means pursue online dating immediately. This too has worked for Zamboni, but may I urge you that the fitst meeting is always better as a coffee date, NOT dinner. Easier to leave quickly if chemistry is not existing. Don’t like online dating? Too awkward? Suck it up, it works.  Remember, Zamboni knows all. And put good pictures on your profile, you on the beach happy, things like that.

Lastly, write down on a piece of paper what you actually want from a relationship, say it out loud to the sky. You can’t get what you want till you know what you want. Again, thank you Joe Jackson.

This  photo by Alice Olive shows that sometimes sunlight is being more profound when we don’t see  it directly- Like “love”. In lower Estonia, the gamblers sometimes say, “you want to roll a 7, think 18.”