Q: Hey Zamboni, what do you think of the new Pope?

A: The guy is really down to earth, I mean you wouldn’t believe how down to earth this guy is. I mean like Crocs with socks and Yerba Mate-drinking. Listen to this: he paid his own bill at a hotel! I mean OMG can you believe this guy? I have never done that in my life! I wouldn’t even know how or why to do that or even what you would say to the plebe behind the desk! Me, Zamboni, see I am used to getting cucumber Mexican papaya facials all day long on my private yacht- but this guy, this guy?… So next, are you ready? he lifts up his own suitcase right (I didn’t know that C-shaped thingee was for your hand? holy papal shred!)- and check this out, he carries, as in with his own steam, he carries his suitcase and -hold on to your slippers- he GETS ON A BUS…no no no wait i’m not done-, with OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!!! get it?

Like wow right? It’s amazing, this guy, who is so much more important than any other human being on earth, that he should do all these simple things, wow. There’s a lesson there somewhere.

Tomorrow: Mormons, Jews, and Buddhists decide to make popes too! (Buddhist pope rumored to breathe!)