Recently, The Council of Advanced Estonian Astrophysical Sciences, after heated debate in  which several of them threatened to resign if I were consulted, asked me a question which is currently baffling people: “What is Dark matter and Dark Energy?” I was already unpopular with many on the council after handcuffing myself to their building for a year of hunger striking after they voted to downgrade Pluto from planet to random rock. As I have spent time on Pluto -long story- I simply knew them to be mistaken and was trying to save them and my homeland from embarrassment.

So if you don’t know, scientists have discovered that most of our Universe, about 94%, is actually consisting of these two substances, and no one knows exactly what they are, look like, feel like or really anything. Theories are many: a sort of goo, some kind of radiation, or perhaps a %$? sort of substance that no one would recognize, a new form or element altogether. Long story short, science don’t know goatshit about it. And it is everywhere and everything! One Stanford professor I speak to said it is even in tiny particles in your fingernail, but too small to detect. She is currently crashing atoms together in machine the size of a football stadium in hopes they can create this stuff.

Like as is my custom, Zambonesman does in fact know. Dark Matter is exact cross between a black marshmallow and a day at the DMV, saturday peak hours. Dark Energy is a smoky sort of shadow of gas that emanates from the pores of each one of us at different rates and at different times and frequencies. This is above most brains except those as simpleminded as Zamboni, I explain:

Lets say you are at the post office. Deespite the fact that there are 20 people in line after you, you do several slow transactions and drop money on floor, ask many stupid questions, don’t make up your mind fast whether you want insurance or delivery confirmation and just generally take too much WTF time. You give off Dark Energy.

Lets say you you park sticking three feet into someone’s driveway all day because you are careless. Lots of Dark Energy.

You don’t vote for whole life? Dark Energy (even if you are Alice Waters, Pope, or Dalai Lama)

Yes, we are responsible for this energy and it is everywhere, coming from us when we are “douchebags” or as we say in Estonian farm patois, “Goat smegma”.

Dark Matter, on the other hand,  comes from the real bad stuff that happens in secret. You can find out more on Wikileaks.

So my friends, another mystery defrocked by Zambonesman. I hope you enjoyed, and try to create less Dark Energy today and don’t park in my f&*%ing driveway.

Thanking you!