Category: food

“What is the purpose of Grades?” #2

I Zamboni have received my first ever in history complaint.

!!!

As stunning as it was to me, I did receive a voiciferous complaint from Jannush Warrenski. A few weeks ago, this bedruggled teacher sent me as he says it, “a cry from the mud” and because I myself did not answer but left his query to my human vessel, the quotidian Jordan Winer- the answer as he somewhat cryptically said, “did not HELP ME AT ALL!” (https://greatzamboni.wordpress.com/2011/10/03/what-is-the-purpose-of-grades/)

So now I greatzamboni will answer this question for him, “what is the purpose of Grades”

Grades are for meat. Special trained people in white coats look at all the meat in the world and they have special stamps with very pretty blue ink. With these stamps they stamp the meat. About 2% of all meat is stamped “prime”. This meat very good and marbled with nice fat. This meat is like Lawrence Summers and Henry Paulson.

The next grade down, like a “B” is “Choice”.

“Select” is like getting the gentleman’s “C” grade. It is chewy stuff you get in first class of Estonian Airways if you are lucky.

Mr. Warrenski, the purpose of all grades in to make people feel and be like Meat– and as we know from the sage Morissey who is so cool he needs one name only, “meat is Murder”- and so Grades are meant to murder the soul in a tiny way, day after day year after year, so the the student/piece of meat will begin to see life as just she is a piece of meat moving through a maze of twists in turns in a big factory heading for the final destination.

No school system will ever be truly revolutionary until like BF Skinner’s Walden II they get rid of Meatthink.

The tiny strip of mushrooms represent fringe freethinkers like Ben Franklin and Zamboni!!

God, that’s depressing even Zamboni- but since it come to me, it must be true. Remember, if its very sad or very funny- it is always true.

Complain on that!

Dangerous Cliches, #2 “Less is More”

Try telling this untruth to my poor uncle, Pecunious Shwartz. He has lost most of his hair and so must do humiliating comb-over trying to hide baldness.

Or, you go to one of these new fangling boutique restaurants even propping up in Estonia now where on your plate you have tiny little piece of meat floating on shrimpy foam and one leaf of mint. You say “is OK, less is more“, but you will still be feeling hungry.

Less is not more people! The Devil likes to be saying this to discourage you, make you weak. Is there such thing as too much peace of mind? Too much sexy time with your wife? Too much fried Twinkies?

Okay so maybe not all good examples, but even when you overdo it, you learn. Did not William Blake write, “the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom“? Yes he did, I know because I was there when he wrote it! In  fact it was my answer to his question, “hey Zamboni, is it ever too much?”

So remember, it is usually someone saying this when what they really want to say is,”this needs more!” The emperor has no clothes, he is naked. It is not just “less is more” or he is underdressed;  his hazelnuts are swinging in the breeze and that’s not good.

How is this more?

So friends, know here that more is more and less is less.

Bon appetite!

Zamboni is asked, “how can I cut down my use of butter?”

I, Zamboni is often asked questions of health and diet. It is a subject I know something of, having survived on pine cones and rain water for one year while I lived at the top of a giant Sequoia, learning the wisdom of a tree-dwelling hermit named Souvlaki.

Recently, I was asked this question by a man wearing green clogs. Here, I answer.

Is not good to cut down butter, and I explain why. Zamboni has worked in fine restaurants in college and I can tell you that the reason food is tasting much better in restaurants than when you cook is two things: salt and butter.

Second reason: French people. Though this is changing these days (I saw many more fat people the last time I was there, due, I think to more processed junk) mostly people in France are looking better than you and me and eat twice as much butter. Maybe three times. Even the old men are trim and fit, making inappropriate sexy comments to women and being charming. And their clothes fit well too.

Third reason: Butter taste good. Will you like olive oil on your toast? Me neither.

But Zamboni? you are saying, you are still not answer my question about eating less butter?

Well, here is the truth from Zamboni. Yes when you can, use the virgin olive oil, on your veggies and your noodles. But do not skimp on butter when it counts: melting on pancakes, etc. Making biscuits.  Instead, WALK AND EXERCISE more! And also, drink one or three glasses of red wine with your rich meal… this the french do- but also they are eating SLOWLY, while making conversation and laughing- so there is no feeling of pigging out…be more human, you see…connect, as always this I urge.

Now, the last secret I give you. Is not mystical, but like Zamboni, very practical.

Fernet Branca. One tiny dram after each meal… then you are living to one hundred…Trust me, my great uncle Klaus Baron de Mouton Rothschild, follows these rules, and he is stll sexing his 4o year old wife in his 106th year …

Do like Klaus do.

Next question?