“Is Now a Good time to buy Apple Stock”

This question comes from J.W. straight outta Berkeley Ca.

Dear J.W.:

No. The stock is very volatile, so Zamboni say no. Even graph of the stock’s behavior today look like Estonian mountain range: up down up down very jagged like. Zamboni say to invest in greatzamboni fund. This fund which I create myself by bundling together many small Estonian businesses,  these include but are not limited to:

-My uncle Norblad’s glue cart

-My neighbor Svenblad’s bee pollen concession

-My grandmothers goat Bjorgias who is not yielding milk now (so technically this section is “goat futures”, very exciting!)

-Acme Bow Ties (they are bounding for come back)

-Long John Silvers (fish place I find on my travels, even to place of dryness like Ohio!)

For the price of one share of Apple (419$) you can get in ground flooor of greatzamboni fund- and if you act now also my brother Tone (pronounced Toe-Nay) is sending you hand bag.

And as always with anything Zamboni- past performance is always guarantee of future excellence.

I await your cheque!


Thorny Question

Dear Great Zamboni- I find myself very often fantasizing about doing jobs that are very different from my own. I am not young, I do not have “my whole life before me” but being in my early 40’s, gods willing, I have some life before me, and I can’t help feeling that if I don’t change my course in life I will wake up tomorrow and I will be 65 saying, “what happened?” For the past 14 years I’ve been a  teacher, and though I get much enjoyment and my daily bread from this noble calling, lately I have been seeing myself doing other things- being a football coach, working in the business world, etc. What do you think about someone like me making a radical shift this late in life, maybe to a field that I have little or no experience in? Is passion to learn something new enough to carry one into a new livelyhood?Thank you for considering this Great Z man. -JW

Zamboni will take time to contemplate this question, which is obviously coming from the human vessel which carries Zamboni into these times. Since this is a thorny one (this “JW” is the human body which the  great spirits have chosen for Zamboni to use for  spreading my wonder and wisdom slowly over the Globe like Sherwin-Williams paint) I must ruminate on this over night and consult my own great sages like the one below.

What The Hell is the Stock Market? (Zamboni Book Club#2)

Thank you for this question, and it has come to Zamboni many times in many ways over the past few years. People ask me for tips and advice because everyone want to get rich quick and is waiting for the i.p.o. of Zamboni Inc Llc, etc.

First I  should say that Great Zamboni not put money in stock market but only in Estonian Goat Futures. This is complicated system of betting on how much milk goats of different colored spots will yield. I do this until I lose 10,000 Krons last Monday. So now I just keep cash in suitcase. Not being American I do not hunger for riches in the Stock Market but I can explain this to you because on recent flight to Istanbul I read book by Suzanne Mcgee, “Chasing Goldman Sachs.”

better than pirate story!!

You see, the Stock market is like a public utility, like a power company. When you get home, you flip on switch and light come on. You turn faucet and water come. You no think about it. Stock Market is like this too. You want your city to build a bridge or hospital, it use stock market. You want to retire or borrow money to buy house, you use stock market grid of vast money- you don’t think about this sea of money, it just always seems to be there.

So a person puts money into this sea, the money goes to work building bridges or supporting new companies, and then when the money grows a little bit with those companies, the person takes back their money plus a little bit to reward their risk.

But for a while now, the big banks start to say “hey, forget about this little guy who wants to grow some money, lets start making some indecipherable’financial products’ made up of piles and piles of bad loans to people and sell this bad juju to other companies and make piles of money when no hospital is being built or company actually growing except our own company which is only growing fat because we are selling these piles of bad juju”. See, simple!

It didn’t help that in the 1970’s, the minimum fee to buy a stock, like 40 cents a share, is got rid of. Now people can buy stock for a penny on internet. Stockbroker must now be creative to make paycheck.  Greed+Creativity=EVIL.

Here’s how crazy it get: The investment bankers give a little thank you fee to the people lending homeowners money to buy houses who probably won’t be able to pay these loans back- they need lots of these loans to bundle up!- they even can make money betting on all of us people not paying our loans. This like betting money on you getting hit by brick, then yelling “hooray” when you get hit by brick, and “ka-ching” sound of money. Maybe they throw brick too.

So this Stock Market, which once served people on Main St, now is serving people working in investment banks, on Wall St. But when house of cards come crashing down, we had to bail them out (Ha!) because, yes we’ll always need hospitals, houses and to retire, and they know this.

If you are still confused, perhaps buy  the book, or just reflect of this old Estonian jargon, “if your town only has one butcher, and he grabs you by the testicles, either smile or become a vegetarian.”

Clear, no? Then get yourself a financial advisor, they still do the serving Main Street thing. It makes the world go round.

The Trad asks Zamboni

Todays question: I don’t know whether to set up my insurance captive in Bermuda or the Virgin Islands. Both countries allow me to keep the $ offshore at no tax but Bermuda is nicer and USVI is a shit hole. I like saying USVI. Is sounds like a drug from the late ’70s. I’m so confused.

The Trad
(Serious Insurance Professional)

Dear esteemed bloggiste and life chronicler Mr. Trad: I, Zambonesman, of course have answer for you, as well as bad drug flashback story. Please stop saying USVI ever to me again.

“USVI” was indeed a drug developed by Timothy Leary in the 6o’s before he perfected his formula for LSD. I was part of the first trial of USVI and I still have a missing big toe and the fangmarks of a bear on my left ass cheek to prove it. So your question sends me shivers of memory of a long forgotten forest rampage in Northern California and leads me to answer you with:Bermuda. Emphatic and how.

and they allow dogs on beach- very rare

Bermuda has certain obvious advantages. The first being shorts. The second being pink sand. It is also closer to New York, the city in which you dwell, and when the world ends on May 21st,  it will be a shorter helicopter ride to get your “captive,” whoever that is. The third reason is the best Bay Rhum Cologne is coming from there.

As poor young man trying to attract women in Estonian college, we make our own with Everclear and roots that grow in sidewalk crack.

Need I say more? especially to you Sip. I once worked in the stables of a deposed Estonian tyrant who traded a  resevoir and three tanks for a case of this tingling head-wash.

So, my friend The Trad, as in all things, tradition serves us well here. Bermuda is truer heirloom place of preppy goodness- after all, they paint their houses pink. Add the green of golf course- you get the picture. In USVI is too many Americans- why travel to see them when they are outside door? And in case your question is of fiscal nature and  not a kidnapping, you must always “diversify”, whatever this means.  Peace and dividends of happiness to you.

And speaking of insurance, why not every single person who live in flood country buy flood insurance? This make Zamboni sad. What say you SIP?

From USVI. Bottle is even plastic, only use as Crab deterrent.