“Great Zamboni, what is your first name?”

You know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked me that!

I think most people have assumed that, like Madonna, Prince, and Sonny and Cher, I have just the one name- but in fact Zamboni is a last name I garnered from my adoptive parents. My first name I have never spoken of out loud in public before this minute.

It is Chocoflan. Pronounced “chocko-flahn”. Yes it is the same as the Mexican desert that is a hybrid of custardy flan and delicious chocolate cake. Call me Chocoflan Zamboni. It wasn’t always this way. I added it in my youth.

Are two wonderful things better when added to each other? Yes. Like a Biscuit and butter.

Funny story. Spring break, 1984 I was taking a year off from Estonian University to study abroad, here in US. I am student at Georgia Southern University for one year, doing field studies on Biscuits and Potlikker, when there was epic fraternal party at my Theta Chi house. As social chairman, I had once again pushed the limits. A mechanical bull in a swimming pool of green jello. Whole Elks roasting slowly underground. Entertainment by Big daddy Kane and John Mellencamp (then Cougar.)

After this soiree, I woke up south of the Border, down Mexico Way. Specifically, Panama. I awoke in an alleyway naked except for a donut-shaped ring of Chocoflan on top of my head- like a succulent halo. I also was wearing a Ruby on my little little finger as big as tangerine. Needless to exhort, I sold the ruby for clothes and plane fare back home, and I ate the Chocoflan as it was a delicious combination of two wonderful deserts and I was insanely hungry .

What wonderful grandmother took pity on a sleeping Zamboni and left me the Chocoflan? Why? And why on my head? And the Ruby, does it have magical powers as the old ladies sometimes whisper about? Should I have kept it? So I added legally the name in front of Zamboni.

Even weirder is this: Recently two PHd candidates in Zamboni Studies were going through some ancient geneologies of myself and my bloodline. They found that I was descended from a Portugese grand duchess by the name of Consuelita de Archtango Langoustine d’Choxokoflanito. Silent X.

There are some things we just can’t explain. And some things are not meant to be explained.

Vite!

What’s the meaning of life?

This was asked to me a few days ago by a gentleman strolling with his girlfriend on Fourth Street in Berkeley Ca.

It really depends on who you are. For my dog Zenith, a Hyena/Bassett mix, the meaning of life is a bowl of warm goat milk in the morning, a Yak femur to chew on for lunch, and a bowl of turkey chili for dinner.

For Joseph Smith, the meaning came when the angel Moroni appeared to him in a blindingly white robe and told him about the plates hidden for him to find in the woods.

For me, great zamboni, it came when the devil and I made our fateful bargain as I drowned in sub-arctic waters, which set me forth on my mission to answer questions and help people all over Earth.

What do each have in common- not much you think?- yet ZAMBONI KNOWS.

It involves patience and waiting, and receptivity. As Hamlet said, “the readiness is all.” Are you ready, really?

And waiting- Zenith must wait for his femur. Joseph smith had to wait a year and then another before Moroni felt he was ready to finally know where the plates were buried and to get them. Zamboni, who is myself, must wait until the year 2020 to get to Carnegie Hall.

But if I had to give answer that might suit the general purpose, about the meaning of life, it is this:

1. Avoid careers that require a lot meetings.

2. Greatly limit credit card use, and understand what “APR” means.

3. Be with people you love as much as possible, and hug a lot.

There. Don’t wait anymore.

ENJOYMENT!

“What was up with Diane Keaton at the Golden Globes?”

By eleven o’ the clock last night, this question had come to me 11 times from 11 different states. I shall make clear.

The origin of Diane Keaton’s strange, long, rambling, talking and singing acceptance speech (on behalf of Woody Allen for lifetime award) is very simple: My cousin Fladsik, a struggling actor cum caterer living in LA, was serving o’duerves backstage at the awards and he saw this and texted to me last night: “Uncle Zamboni, you won’t believe this but Diane Keaton and Mathew Moconohee (Fladsik’s spelling) I catch behind the guacamole smoking a marijuana cigarette while this Maconohee is scatting like jazzman ‘ooh ah- yea, blow man blow! ooh- ah! yes baby yes.. indeed and yes’ .. so they are taking many puffs like this. Just this minute Joakeen Phoenix approach them with a Uija Board they now sit on floor and start to summon ghosts like of Jack Palance and -”

At this point there was a break in texts, as I suppose Fladsik had to make a run with Champagne bottle. Then Keaton go on stage, do the very strange thing she do… and I understand why because Fladskik is my fly on the wall.

Drugs, Ouija, a Phoenix and Maconohee- more than anyone can take at one time right?- the explanation.

“Should I see the movie, August Osage County?”

This question comes from Saul in Cloverdale.

No.

Instead see Anchorman 2 or Nebraska. Nebraska is very good. It is also partially filmed in Plainview, Nebraska, which happens to be a stop on great zamboni’s next American Tour called “Great Zamboni’s American Tour: Just a Little Off– The Grid”

I'll be right on this corner- dates TBA! — I’ll be right on this corner- dates TBA!

Goodnight yesterday- hello future! (PS- today I will live on 4th street in Berkeley, 4:30 Pacific Time)

Cigars:

During his stint as host of a show called You Bet Your Life, Groucho Marx interviewed many participants. On one occasion he interviewed a Ms. Story, who had given birth to twenty-two children. “I love my husband,” Ms. Story said enthusiastically. “I like my cigar, too,” said Groucho, “but I take it out once in a while,”

-Bartlett’s Book of Anecdotes

Happy New Year- many people asked me lately, “Zamboni how will 2014 be for the world?” I say this, it will be like 2013, but a little better, just take your cigar out once in a while. And breath. Here!

Zamboni takes Digital Sabbath- phew!

The Jews have given the world many great things: Manishevitz sweet wine, Sandy Koufax, Paul Newman, circumcision (that one’s iffy) and Jokes, and even great zamboni himself (though being an orphan I cannot substantiate this, the rumor began when when I was dropped, at the delicate age of 11, at the doorstep of the Baron Von Rothschild- the basket in which i was wrapped was padded with the Estonian Yiddish newspaper, “Der Shpiel”.

Anyhoo, another donation to us from them is the “Sabbath”, a great break of time from sundown friday to sundown saturday. Thank you Yahweh! These days some people not just Jews are taking a “digital sabbath” in which during that time they use no cell phone or computer- I am going to try this myself. So. if you have any emergency missives for me, Zamboni, please use carrier pigeon or messenger fox for those 24 hours.

My Uncle Moishe! — Everyone needs a breather (:

Wish me luck.