Why is the DMV such hell on earth?

This question came from T.W. and I answered it- like so:

T.W. hits the nail on the head because you see, the DMV is actually a little piece of hell on earth. A long time ago when the devil was preening in the mirror, checking out his ascot and pencil moustache, he dropped this mirror and all the little shards blew all over the earth and wherever they landed a Department of Motor Vehicles sprouted up. This is why when you are in a DMV a fog of angst descends upon you and the ennui is like a poison gas piped in through the ceiling.

Thus the wise people – like us readers of greatzamboni this blog-reflect when they are in the DMV about how wonderful is the world outside of this hell hole.

Nothing makes us appreciate things as much as their opposite does.

So next time you are damned to be pilloried into the DMV, be nice to those that spend their working days there, for they are the minions of the Dark One. It’s a living.

Once, great zamboni got so upset watching Olymipic hockey game, he threw his license into Daquiri blender. Next I go to DMV to get new one, and the waiting in line calms me down… see? life gives you pomegranates, you make something with.

tumblr_l0y7wysgOB1qb6y8n — You americans are crazy to let these small children drive- in Estonia, the rule is, no ear bush, no license!

first Zamboni webcast

good evening-

though I have no idea what it is, my new svengali/manager, the beautiful and quixotic Tizzy Wall says that now I must do a live question answering video-sort-of thingee for you, and I have no power to resist her as not only is she very smarter than Zamboni but she has hypnotizing power which must be from a wolf-paw that she has hidden on her person somewhere…

so if you would like to be the first question-asker who has a video made of me grappling with your query, then please, ask me a burning question that is burning for you and I just may choose it-

I cannot exist without you! enjoy the POWER

I’ll stop the world and melt with you

Today I showed “easy A” to my freshman English class. We just read The Scarlet Letter.They got the Say Anything reference in the end, when the guy stood on top of the lawn mower, they knew it was a Cusack move. All the girls in the class did that involuntary “awwww” thing like a curling up sigh.

“You get that reference?” I asked, incredulous.

“OF COURSE!” shouted back.

“And you’ve seen, like Breakfast Club too?”

The same reply.

So maybe some of them fell asleep listening to the 93 year old woman talk about surviving Auschwitz. They tried to listen, her accent was tough and it was hard for her to hold the mic up.. They heard some. They saw her tattoo’d number. They hugged her afterward.

They feel something. Things don’t change so much and it makes me feel good. They know why Bender throws his fist up.

Stump Zamboni, attempt #2

From Anna, in Berkeley:

“Please pass this message on to the Devil:

Devil, ask Zamboni:
“If hell really is in hell, what does “hell on earth” mean?”

This is from Anna’s attempt to help the DEVIL stump me. Do not get your panties in a twist Devil becasue I can answer this quixotic query quite clearly.

“Hell on earth” is and can be many things. It is the DMV when you arrive and take the number 87, then lookup at the monitor and it says “now serving 2”. It is waiting in line at a cafe with a 3:30 pm coffee jones and the person in front of you orders a decaf soy latte with a shot of vanilla. It is L.A.. It is Christmas music on November 28th. It is hearing the words, “it’s not you…” It is a call from the hospital when you have children. It is the word “cancer”. It is realizing that “a la carte” means your steak is 28 dollars and comes with nothing but a plate, and the creamed spinach and fries are 8$ extra- each. It is the phrase “I’m just saying..” it is all these things and more, but most of all, hell on earth is getting everything you want.

Not expecting me to get that one eh, Satan! Ha!

Rain Cats and Dogs

I see you people have been duped by the devil into trying to stump me!!! sad for you because it is not possible and you may as well be trying to cry in a Steven Speelberg movie- it just is not feasable, like trying to get full eating sushi- it just is not going to happen..

Susan from NOLA contributes this attempt to stum Zamboni:

How many times has it actually rained cats and dogs and what circumstances were credited for having brought each event into being?

On November 29th, 1929, in Hoboken new Jersey, it rained fully grown cats (mostly calico) and various kinds of dogs (pretty much just Basset Hounds) for approximately 33 minutes…

Due to the strangeness of this- several people of an apocalyptic pre-disposition began to think the world was ending. One of them was a stockbroker who panicked and sold everything. Others were influenced by him (and his insane ravings on the stock market floor did not help) and did the same, thus “Mauve Monday” happened and the next day, well as you know, the Stock Market crashed. And sadly ironically, many desperate men imitated the animals, flying out their windows…

Strangely too, as a puddendum, the cats and dogs all survived the fall and simply walked away.

To this day, cats hate water because it reminds them of being used as rain, and Basset hounds look excessively confused and befuddled – as if they’ve just been dropped from the sky..

Be at BAY- DEVIL!!!

Stump Zamboni! (Guest post by Satan)

Hello to all of you minions of my nemesis, the so-called “great zamboni’..

As per the deal we made for his soul in return for all knowledge, Zamboni must render up his soul to me when he meets a question he is unable to answer..

So for gods sake throw me a frickin’ bone and help me out, post a question now to Zamboni that he cannot answer so I can finally get his soul…

What are you waiting for?

MCA, RIP

Fuck that, “rest in peace” bullshit, MCA aint gonna rest boyyyyy..he’s been rocking so damn long, so damn long that I was fightin’ for my right to party freshman year o’ college in 1986 and fast forward to 2012 and I ask my son what he’s gonna be for Holloween and he says he and his best two homies are goin as the beastie boys and I cut him a big VW medallion out of cardboard and spray paint that shit gold and and that’s two generations he’s passed the mic to so he aint gonna rest in peace..

he rocked in peace with some stone cold lampin’ straight up boddisatva vibe, he rapped in peace, he rapped for peace and most importantly he rocked the fuckin mic till his hair turned gray. literally and literarilly…

Adam Yauch of the raspy voice (it was always easy to tell him apart; Adam H and Mike D blend a bit) he’s comin to where he was from the get go, now we gotta let go

peace, but not too much yo’

YOU WILL BE MISSED

I don’t know
Who does know
There is no
Where to go