Zamboni’s Qwanzaa Sermon

(For your approval, I submit the text of the talk I gave on the third night of Quanzaa, the night of UJIMA , in the service of the Church of Fifi and Fanny… in San Francisco..)

I am great zamboni and I know all, see all, and do all…

and this is my HOMILY for the third night of Quanzaa…


(this is the traditional Swahili greeting for quanzaa, translated as ‘whats the news?”)

It may surprise you to know that even in the deep magenta forests of estonia, Quanzaa is celebrated. The core of Quanzaa, the sweet nut inside the shell of the 7 principles is the concept of self-determination.. And if we break this down to its very last compound we are left with this mighty idea:

The job of defining who you are is no one’s job but your own. Quanzaa says to the world “‘we who have a common past will create together a powerful future…”

This is true both for individuals and groups. Take Great zamboni, PLEASE!

No seriously, take me. In the eyes of the world, I am put into many boxes and labels:

-male model
-hunk of beauty
-beefy cakes
-wise sage
-estonian fugitive
-illegal immigrant
-gun owner
-jellybean hoarder

But do these lapels really tell the story of who I am inside? (Actually those sort of sum me up, but that’s beside the point…as per usual I am the exception..)

-My point is this, we are more than what others determine us to be…

I call you a “korean anerican transgender libertarian bookbinder” and then I think I know you… She identifies herself as an “intellectual bisexual vegan fishmonger” and then I believe I have your number…

Our souls are greater than the meager words people dress them in!

Our races and ethnic posses are more interesting than the labels people slap on them…

So why do we celebrate Quanzaa here today? because self-determination is a blessing for all races… Let the 7 candles, the seven principles of quanzaa light the way for us in 2013!

Since todays principle is UJIMA (which stands for COLLECTIVE WORK AND RESPONSIBILITY) let us reflect on this principle tonite…

As fifi has fanny, peanut butter has jelly, and the Bradys have the bunch, so to make life we must work together, collecting ourselves… Who knows -except I great zamboni, what hurricanes, celebrity pregnancies, sad calamities and disaster await us in 2013- but if we remember UJIMA we will take responsibility for each other.

But like my uncle Cordeleia the poet used to say, “talk is shit” (it sounds more nice in Estonian…) we are only worth our pickles if in our actions we live the UJIMA this year, and every day..


In the name of the fifi, the fanny, and the great zamboni, let us say

and happy quanzaa

Zamboni’s Qwanzaa Live Tonite!

Hello friends  and fiends- Tonite I -great Zamboni will  be delivering the homily in a show in San Francisco brought to you by the eccentric duo “Fifi and Fanny” I have put an interweb link below for you to buy tickets..It is a sort of church service that I think will be filled with laughs and good thoughts..

And since today is the third day/night of Qwanzaa, devoted to the principle of UJIMA (Collective Work and Responsibility) I urge you to reflect on this old tale from Estonia…

Once there was a herd of red ants busily swarming over their hill, doing their odd jobs, carrying food, protecting their queen etcetera.. one sentry ant noticed a lone drone sitting off to the side of the hill, doing absolutely nothing. Nothing sticks out as dramatically as an ant doing nothing.

Hey you, the beaurocrat ant said, get to work, what are you doing loafing around? The lone ant replied in an existential way, I am thinking about the futility of all this work and how I am simply a cog in the machine and how I want to create something in this life other than more ants..Immediately the sentry killed the independently minded ant and used his remains to feed the larvae.

As you can see, the message here is, by all means rebel and seek to create a new and brave world of love and visionbut first get others on your side to do this with you and watch your back! UJIMA!


Today the World Ends….

Good evening folks, as the world is ending today, I thought i’d leave you with a few Zambonehead pearls of wisdom to take you into the next life along with you…Let’s first remember the best of this world as we go into the next one...Highlights from the pre-today world:



-basset hounds (so cute!)

-helicopter crashes in movies

Now, as we go into the next world, (there will actually be several different worlds springing forth today at about 9:30 am eastern time- no wait, sorry, I mean like, maybe 3pm eastern time-you see because each of us will be entering a new world of our own making, it’s complicated but there it is. Take with you into your world some Zambonehead knowledge.

-There is a grand design to everything.

-Everything happens for a reason.

-Many of the reasons are ridiculous and make no sense.

-You can actually use milk a few days past the due date.

-Be easy on yourself.

-Go ahead and order dessert, by the time it comes you’ll probably have room for it.

-Just try and do the best you can, for as long as you can, whenever you can.

-Ignore stupid rules like “white wine with chicken”.

-Watch birds.

In the words of Carol Burnett, “Im so glad we had this time together”,  and remember, Zamboni will fo sho be in all worlds beginning today, so don’t be a stranger…

(What did the Mayan Scarlett O’hara say at the end of the movie? “after all, tomorrow won’t be.”   I just made that up…)


zamboni-head-pik.jpg (what’s up the road, a  head?”

why do ladybugs have spots?

This question comes from DJMW-

Like all Estonians, I learned the ways of making sexy time from an Egyptian prostitute named Sheherazade in Knoxville Tennessee. . After the night of awkward yet mind-crumbling discovery, I woke to discover something very strange. This woman had black spots on her back, many of them. They were not hairy moles, but quite shiny, modest and becoming disks- as if made with fine chinese ink or lacquer. When she awoke, and we were drinking mint tea, I ask her about the provenance of these spots. She told me this:


“Long ago, as a child, I angered God by killing a ladybug and tearing off its wings. In that moment I was transformed into same and lived for a decade as this lowly slow-flying beetle. When the curse was lifted I remained branded with the spots to remind me of my sin.”

I asked this courtesan what it was like to be a ladybug and what she learned from the experience.  Among many things (being able to crawl upside down on a leaf etc) she explained this to me:

“Ladybugs have spots for no reason at all..but they do spend a great deal of time thinking about them and comparing their spots to the spots of others and hoping they have nicer spots than them, etc..some even try to bleach them off…”

So, there you have it asker of this question. Ladybugs have spots like we have freckles, odd features or neck hair- for no particular reason at all.

And yet as Zamboni, knows, there is a reason. We all have “spots” because that is what makes each of us perfect! HA


“Oh Zamboni, How do you know when you’ve grown up?”

When you trust your gut, even when they look at you funny.

When you do the right thing because it’s right.

When you’d rather wait and see how the situation develops.

When you don’t have regrets.

When you’ve stopped drinking soda.

I remember hanging out with Albert once in Paris, and saying to him this very same question. He said to me, “Zamboni, gimme an old book, an old wine and I don’t even need a young woman..”


at any street cornerat any time
at any street corner
at any time





“Why does bread take so long to rise?”

This question comes from Ether in Lapland, where there are no stores to buy yeast. You see, in this case, you must set your goo of flour and water in a bowl out, and wait for the wild yeasts (which are like fairies that may or may not exist) to fly by, land in your slop of dough-to-be and make leavening happen.

A simple question- and yet brings up a larger one- why do so many things take so god damn long! Great Zamboni’s journey to Carnegie hall by 2020- why not I play there tonite?

The struggling actor of great talent still waiting tables.

The poor students struggling through boring classes just to get out one day and go to college.

The hungry, the poor, the jobless, the flooded…

Holy God’s ears that is too fricking depressing so I think I will move to the original question.

Dear Ether, bread is one of our oldest foods and it is the first one that taught us the humans patience. Burning flesh over a fire, ripping a fruit from a tree, these are all instant gratification, like scoring love from a concubine in the marketplace. But bread truly takes foresight, planning, tactics and patience- the way Angeline scored Brad Pitt.

I think (and I am right) that bread takes actually a very short time to rise, in fact it happens very fast.. It is only seeming “slow” because we humans have a rushed and faulty clock inside of us that wishes all to happen fast.

So “give us this day our daily bread” really might mean, our daily dose of patience?

Of course some things do happen briskly. Back in my playboy days in Monaco, the ladies used to giggle  and call me “two minute jackrabbit Mcgee” because, I think, of how fast they fall in love with me. Nice, no?

bread and pupp

bread and pupp