“Why are Italians having fewer babies?”

This question comes to Zamboni via Pope Francis, who is very concerned about this, rightfully so as he is a Pope and a friend to Zamboni when  couch surf across Europe on occasion.

Oh my Pope….. This has been puzzling people for a while and is true: Italians are not having many babies. It has been chalked up to this or that , either the fact that couples live with their parents in cramped houses. Also to the economy, jobs are scarce so both man and woman must work thereby delaying child bearing etc. Blah blah…All of these are errogenous. The real reason is quite simple and evident when you just step back and think of it.


It’s very tiring to be Italian. Like, really, really exhausting. Look at these guys! Do you know how hard it is to maintain the caloric surge of being so sprezzatura and effortlessly chic all fucking day? The pants are very tight, the shoes are chafing my bare feet. These men are worrying a lot about leaving their sunglasses at home and being laughed at. Ever wear white jeans? Of course you have not, neither have I- because THEY GET CRAZY DIRTY SO FAST! They literally just vacuum up stains from everywhere. With clothes so tight (not helping sperm count Pope!) much time must be spent at the gym just to fit them- is this making you anxious just reading? me too. Look at this beard guy far left- so tightly wound-  imagine him throwing a toddler in the air- I can’t either!

Look, I feel for them. Italian is like the last most cool nationality. Even I had to get my name from them. Sadly my Estonian birth name is Shuffleshitz. See! How cooler it is to say, “hey, Zamboni!”….Would George Clooney call me up on speakerphone so much if I was a Shuffleshitz?

With everything being universalized and globalized, there is so much sameness happening. “Italian” is just like a cinnamon for “cool” right? Lamborghinis, Giorgio Armani, Al Pacino, Parmaggiano, The Godfather, espresso for Pete’s sake, they are just so cool, like Dennis Hooper said in that movei to Dean Stockwell, ” you’re so FUCKIN’ sauve….”  And for a small country with not a whole lot else going on, corrupt government, the EU falling apart- they have to cling like hell to whatever identity they have. Even if it means when the men get home and peel off those suits they are exhausted from the smiling, laughing and their eyes hurt from too much shading. They must sleep a lot to get up and do this all over again. This= less babies.

The solution Pope?

Make babies cool! get Gucci to make a diaper with that cool green and red stripey pattern. Make Versace shades for the babies! Treat baby as accessory to coolness! It has been very hard for anyone to be cool with a baby for a long time as moms and dads have to wear strange Baby Bjorn strappy things everywhere, juggling rubber nipples and humongous strollers. In my day, I could merely carry my little Zamboni jr. like a football in  crook of my arm as I walked a runway in Milan or panned for gold in Chile.

So make babies cool, and those guys in the picture can wrap one in calfskin and carry it right in that little satchel thingee! Good luck Pope!




Zamboni travelling to the heartland

Tomorrow, I , great Zamboni and little Zamboni Jr. will start our driving journey to the Blackfeet Indian Reservation in Montana USA. Will arrive there on July 4th, your American Independence Day- (and I thought it was only a movie! totes lol!)

I look forward to seeing what this day looks like on Indian land and in their minds and hearts.

I encourage me and all of us to ponder this question on that day

“what does it mean to be ‘independent’ and is that even a good thing?

(England just gained some, but maybe will get more than they bargained for, #brexitremorse…)

father day


If we are lucky enough to survive the next 5.5 billion years and the sun expands enough to fry the earth, and we think we will be better off living further out in the solar system, and we can hope for cutting edge technology, like what that those boards tied together was to our intrepid early ancestors who shoved off and headed for their horizon, is there something we should be doing first? What I am wondering, G.Z., is should we take our wanderlust to Estonia before launching more space exploration? Starring into space in Louisiana,

Long question! from “Staring into space in Louisiana….”

Yes. And no.

The fact is, every day is a day you should set out to explore a new world. But there are new worlds right under your nose and around the corner. Such as:

-your feelings

-Grasses. There are like thousands of varieties even just right off the road or in an abandoned lot. Did you know they even have little flowers, many of the grasses? But they are small since they pollenate with wind and don’t need bees and such, hence no need for big petals and smell.

-Mustard. You can make it yourself, and flavor it with anything!

-Sunsets and sunrises, can literally be seen from anywhere!

-Take a walk, look closely at things at your feet and in the air. Watch.

Yes indeed the sun will fry the Earth like a doughnut somewhere way off in the future- but that’s a hill of beans. It’s our beans, yes, but still. Thinking about it won’t really change anything. Just explore the world that are already here. Not frying.

As my one-eyed uncle Slippknot used to say back in Estonia, “Finish the plum brandy before you go to the liqour barn!” Wise.




Great Zamboni’s Presidential Endorsement is…..

Yes folks, many of the public have been pestering me, -yes Anderson Cooper I am talking to you unfriended one!- asking me something to this effect of, “Great Zamboni whom are you backing for President?” For some time I have avoided answering this question because as you know, I am personal friends with Donald Trump. Afterall it was me, many years ago whom he confided in very privately, saying to me, “Zamboni, the Donald is getting a little older and thinner up here in the hair department- what should I do?’

I took a seven day retreat of sleepless gambling and debauched alcoholism in his Atlantic City casino, gratis, and then at the end of that week the inspiration hit me on how to solve my friends Triptillomanical problems… It was a vision I got of how he could do his hair in a beautiful way. My vision was this, “there is an ocean wave, of golden hue, cresting in gauzy sheets…” and it was this way his hairdue is born. You’re welcome.

Now, as far as presidential picks go, though I love Doanld and support his call that Apple iphone move their production to the USA,  I must support Martin O’Malley for president.  Bernie is a grouch, Hillary is a shrew, but Martin is a statesman.

Zamboni always goes with gut.

The Winning Powerball Numbers

Look, winning Powerball isn’t easy. I should know. I’ve won it four times already and each time? Moe money moe problems…
But I can offer you this exercise that you can gain profit from.
If you won the billion, what would you do? Answer this fast right now without thinking.

Two things I observe. First, you just revealed what you should do with your life.
Second, I guarantee whatever you said is possible without the billion. Now I know, you said maybe “helicopter..private island…ranch in Aspen…lifetime supply of Siracha” etc.

But what you really mean by that is “beauty, peace, place to be with people i love..good condiments…” and honestly, not only is that possible without the helipad in Aspen, but you probably already have those things… Lucky you.


Just be careful what you wish for. As I found it in a threesome with Siegfried and Roy, it can get you more than you bargain for…(yes it was wrong of that Tiger to attack Roy, but he had his reasons.)




What do I do now, Zamboni, to make it impossible for crazy angry people to get guns?

This serious and timely question comes from Susan K,  a very longtime and almost dangerously devoted fan of myself who is the one called called Great Zamboni. She even carves little Zamboni figurines out of gulf shrimp. Sooo totes cute!

How I wish someone in that Parisian club had had a side arm on and killed those shooters before they did what they did. Does that make Zamboni part of the problem? Impossible!


How can we keep crazy angry violent people from having guns, indeed! Such an important question my goodness. Because even people like myself, on the No Fly list, can get guns! (Don’t worry I am not on this list due to profiling against Estonians, or immigrants or because of ties to terrorists. Zamboni is on No Fly list because the depth of my brain alters the gravitional pull of the plane making it VERY dangerous for me to fly. So I drive everywhere.)

The answer goes to the heart of what is wrong with America. And what is right. but first, a story. My grandmother used to tall me this story about the old days in Estonia: There was shepherd named Goorin who could never keep his goats alive. One by one, they’d be picked off by a group of especially rabid coyotes. This saddened him to no end and made his financial woes substantial as he was not diversified like the other peasants who had a few beehives and made bricks from cow shit. One day he went to the town elders to ask, “why do my goats keep dying, oh old sages?’ The eldest one looked at him and said, “because, you asshole, your land borders Rabid Coyote Gulch- it isn’t rocket science! Move the goats to a different place!”

Goorin moved his goats far from Rabid Coyote Gulch and all was well. Still an occasional goat was killed, but better.

My point is this, we live in a country filled with guns, and there always be some guns. Our whole country is Rabid Coyote Gulch. In fact now, almost the whole world is. We can’t change that. But we can make some small changes. Over time. Susan you have answered your own question; ” I am calling senators and representatives and I am writing letters and still nothing appears to change”,  but change happens much too slow to see it changing. The people who fought and died for civil rights, for the right to vote, for freedom- often in their lifetimes they see nothing of change. It takes time.

The question is, how many of us will fight, will dedicate our lives to this fight? And will that amount to a great movement? To a million-person march on Washington to curb gun violence? How much will we really risk to fight this?

The NRA is winning not because the world is a bad place or there’s no justice. They are winning because they are organized and funded and tireless and devoted to this one cause, and only this cause. They say that you can’t protect freedom by taking some freedoms away. I see their point.

Another obstacle is guns are fun and often useful. I’m glad George Washington had muskets. I’m glad Zamboni can blow off steam at the gun range.

get some

But it isn’t rocket science. Now that google knows everything about everyone, it shouldn’t be hard to bar those with mental illness or ties to terrorism from having guns. And no hunters I know use Machine Guns or Ar-15s to hunt (except some crazy Shiek I met once who hunts Swans)

So: lengthy background checks and renew the license every year. And about the assault rifles: Military only!

So the answer to your question is, keep making noise. Keep writing letters, but until people on your side have a similarly focused NRA type of organization, it aint gonna happen. (but there is some good news below, from today’s news!-

Against the wishes of conservative Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas, the Supreme Court rejected a challenge to a Chicago area ban on assault weapons and large-capacity magazines for ammunition, dealing a major blow to the NRA.”


And in truth, there is no us or  them. We all want the same thing: safety and security. We just disagree of the path. 

Thing I saw today, Dec 4th, 2015.

This is true. A blind woman with a guide dog made her way up a ramp to the YMCA. A man was sitting on a wall blocking a good part of the ramp. He yelled at her, “Damn woman, what the hell, why you steppin’ on my goddamn feet?”

Because she is  blind you imbecile!  I was stunned silent.

Perhaps the lesson here is this. Next time one of us gets irate, perhaps it’s because we have no idea what’s happening. Especially when we think we do.

When we yell about something, it’s usually about something else.


What should we do about the Syrian refugees, oh Zamboni?

This question came to me today via a tweet from a friend back in Arthur,  Nebraska, where I spent my youth.

This question is close to the heart of Zamboni, as I myself am an immigrant to this country of America which I love so much despite all of its warts and all.

The only thing we can do is let all the immigrants in and make them to love this country so much that not only never would they harm it, but they would tell someone if they heard of anyone about to do so. Every honest hard-working person deserves that feeling of freedom exemplified in this tableau from The Breakfast Club.


I remember when I was in California in 1941, after Pearl Harbor was bombed. Many people started to look at the Japanese immigrants as dangerous. They must all be spies etc. They were herded into concentration camps. I heard the same mutterings just this morning, “we must not let more Syrians into Tennessee” etc, “they are dangerous”, yadda yadda. Trust me, they are ECSTATIC to be safely here, it is so much more peaceful than where they were.

We really have no choice peoples. This country was built and is built everyday by immigrants, legal and not. If we let everyone in who wants to be in, once again these huddled masses can build this country.

Masses of new immigrants do not drain or bring the economy down, they actually grow it, in a  2015 paper for the Hoover Instutution, Timothy Kane wrote ” – immigrants increase labor supply and demand for goods (and labor)–shows the wage level unchanged and that the amount of new jobs is equal to the amount of migrants.” So as crazy as it seems, it’s like this:

oodles of new immigrants=no major change in economy.

But Zamboni also sees this equation:

Oodles of new immigrants=oodles of new Americans excited to be Americans, make things, contribute to society

So should we do background checks? Of course. Should we ask a lot of immigrants, maybe to learn English and  the capital of Nebraska, sure, why not. But should we adopt the fear and distrust that the Isis wants us to? No. Or as the French say, fuck Non. Like it says on the statue:

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” Oh, thanks to the French for the statue too.