It has come to my attention because I am Great Zamboni, seer and ultimate frisbee mystic soothsayer and tooth fairy and lastly but not leastly loyal patriotic Estonian ex-pat that Russia has been snooping about our borders and playing with idea of (ONCE AGAIN!!) invading and bothering us.
I can’t tell you how much this pisses me off. Hey Putin! Stay off of Estonia!
In the last century and and before this huge bully of a neighbor of ours has been periodically overtaking us until we had to stage a revolution (peaceful bitches!) to get them out finally …
I urge you all, my followers, to stay a breasts of this situation and to urge your congresspeople to stand WITH ESTONIA… remember it is very scary to have this power hungry corrupt government right next door.. I know we are far away from you, but please don’t forget us. Estonia gave you Skype! And great zamboni!
Many people have confided this question to me Great Zamboni, even billionaire mega billionaires who i hang out with in the Bohemian Grove peeing in the woods and giggling like Henry Kissinger and Donald Rumsfeld. Even Rummy asked me from the outhouse next to mine just this foggy morning, “Zamb, what do you make of Trump? and can you pass me some TP?” I marvelled at Don’s simply worded question and decided I would answer it via the Interweb so i had to walk down the road here a bit until I got some bars so here we go before Dick Cheney catches me for breaking the no devices rule:
I love Trump! He is my supermodel of how I must behave on Earth! My reasons are this: The Stoics taught us centuries ago that we make our own reality and we live in the world we create- so does Trump live in the world where he makes the facts and the truth- Advanced!
Us Estonians are a bitter pessimistic people, we have a popular saying that generally you should, “make your face as ice”, and so when I look at his his always grumpy puss, I feel so at home! Yes sometimes he slips up and smiles, but at those super cool rallies, who could help it? Even us Estonians accidentally get happy when we gather in the thousands and sing songs for hours. Or eat a good blood sausage.
Next answer. Trump is trying to make his American great again, he really is! Many people say he is Russian stooge or even insane but i do not think an insane unstable person could get this far in life, do you? Look, I fucking hate the Russians, they have always try to make Estonia their bitch, and I think Trump playing them right now, just the way he play Americans and -WaBAMM!- I won- even though no one think possible.
So to answer the question what the fuck is Trump doing? He’s doing Trump bitches! And it is the best thing for the liberals and granola resistance since forever, I wonder what they do with it?
I have received this question four hundred and three times in the last ten minutes from my panicked followers so I will try and elucidate what happened for you as best as only Great Zamboni can: (Meanwhile, Casey Afleck, please check your envelope carefully because I am sure Gosling must get your statue?!)
It wasn’t Warren Beatty losing his kishkas. It wasn’t a backstage mixup in which Emma Stone shmoozed Warren so hard they swapped envelopes. No. It was the trickster will of the Gods.
Look at Trump’s victory. Look at the craziest Superbowl comeback turnaround ever. This is the year of the Insane Revolution. I don’t mean just necessarily”revolution” as in Che Guevara or Les Miz or Hamilton and Valley Forge, I mean revolution in its literal record-revolving-33 revolutions per minute meaning- a turn completely around. That revolution.
Everywhere we look things are spinning higgledy-piggledy on their heads. The Statue of Liberty replaces her torch with a “closed” sign, presidents tweet while they poop and grab by the pussy, the poor vote for the rich and California’s draught turns to floods. So if this universal spirit of change has caused the great kerfuffle at the Oscars, the real question is; what does it mean?
Great Zamboni thinks that the take away from the times is this: you know somethings happening but you don’t know what it is, do you, Mr. Jones…
Yes like the Dylan song, something is happening. It’s a call to awake! fron God himself. He talks to me regularly and has confirmed this. And by the way, he loved La La Land and Moonlight so much, even he couldn’t decide. The first is classic Hollywood man-woman romance, updated beautiful for today with many white people. The second, a beautiful film about fear and taboos, man-man sort of romance, guardian angels, and ultimately surviving long enough to be yourself, and with all Black people.
God- or whatever the voice is that I start hearing after I drink three Kombuchas and have my Blue Algae enema, perhaps wants us to know that it doesn’t have to be either/or with Love- it can be both and all. Maybe they can both be best.
As you know, American Football is so big in Estonia that we were all around my huge 8 inch black and white watching this game yesterday. I was grilling sardines on the radiator of my Datsun b210, we were swilling Prune Vodka in the Ice Sailing clubhouse, and every time the commentators said “the” , “and” or just any words, and we were taking shots- having the best time, what we in hardened Estonia call, “slightly better than cold death.”
But then, these teams go to overtime, and just because Patriots win coin toss, they get ball first. They score a touching down, then I expect the Falconers of Atlanta to get a chance- BUT NO- you America say game over!
? Game over? Other team not even get a chance? I don’t understand your great country. Is it all just rigged? Or just the result of chance?
How can it be fair?
Is it not even an evenplaying field on your playing field? By the smooth skin of Vladimir Putin’s chin, I just don’t get it.
So funny with America, your superbowl a last minute switcharoo too- just like election! I guess it is like my Grandma Shlockma said, “a consistent large pimple you have for a year, better than a surprise ulcer you get once”
Ladies and gentlemen of the Press who I respect so much even though all you fish gut suckers care about is my tax return.
You know what they say in Estonian Snooker clubs, if the Empire is massive, then it follows like night follows day, so is the penis!
But Trump, who is a good friend of mine, me, the one called Great Zamboni, yes GREAT Zamboni because my GREATNESS is really, really great, I mean really fantastic- Trump did travel to Estonia a few months ago to meet with me privately.
Now, as to your questions about whether or not Donald and I met privately with three comely and fetching toothless fishwives for some innocent massage and iced vodka shooters- well, we may have or we may not have. But I can tell you, that if we had -and seriously of all the people in this room do you really think WE wouldn’t do that?- if we had our sexual prowess would have been really really fantastic.