Month: September 2011

Super Sex

An old man is turning ninety, and there is a knock at the door. It is beautiful sexy woman, and she says to him, “I’m here to give you super sex! Old man says,

“I’ll have the soup”.

Zamboni hear two people in last week telling this joke. One the great Scallopini, a.k.a Joel Ben Izzy- the other no less than Jane Lynch from glee.

Everything work better in threes. Though I must admit I did not get this joke at first, as in Estonia, “in the soup” is street lingo for close and up personal to woman’s ya ya parts.

** If a building is bombed in a forest and no one sees it, is it terrorism?

Another good question from Jiannush Warrenski, this one easy for Zamboni to answer. I’m afraid the answer is yes.

I recently went to the dentist and they tell Zamboni I have to get this filling replaced so they bang bang drill all this stuff out and then they make like a mold of the tooth cap to send to the lab and then they make me a temporary cap for the tooth. This very annoying because already twice the cap fall out! Once when I floss, the second time biting a piece of cheese! What the hell! This why I came to this country from Estonia- for the real good medical care. I could have stayed in Estonian countryside where the dentist uses prayer, old BBs and chewing gum to do this work. Ack!

You wonder what this have to do with today’s question- I tell. Most things in the world happen “in the forest” or to other people. The world is so big, it seems very little happens to us. But when things happen in our forest, to us, even something small and stupid like my falling out tooth takes up all our attention and care. We think it more important than anything. Then something can happen that makes the forest suddenly very small.

Manhattan was once a forest

** If we do not know our history, are we doomed to repeat it?

No, but if we are careful enough to forget it, when it does happen we will feel like it is the first time, and not so bad!  This is the truth with stupid things in general, just try and forget the worst things you’ve done so you can have the fun of doing them again.

Like the saying goes is lower Slobotnik, “once again, for the very first time.”

Besides, we make the children learn history every day and stupidity is continuing like with full force!

And how!

Thank you Jannush Warrenski for the question.

Choosing between things- How To Do It!

@jordanwiner Question for Zamboni: When it rains it pours. How do you choose when you have more than one good offer?

This above question was twittered to me via the computer box.

My uncle Snorblatt had a saying. He was a master cheesemaker, but also an excellent hang glider. In his early twenties, he hanglided across Transylvania and was on the verge of a profitable career in professional  gliding when he was struck down by a Tasmanian virus. Sweating and convulsing on a his deathbed, he had a vision. In his vision, a giant sword hung over his head and a goat the size of Godzilla wielded the sword with ferocity. Behind the gargantuan goat, a smiling rabbit did cartwheels spraying rainbow dust out of its ass. These seemingly incongruous things continued in his dream, until Dick Cavett appeared and said , “Ladies and, uh,  gentleman, please welcome, Norman Mailer!”

When Snorblatt’s fever broke, he recalled the dream down to the last detail. Carl Jung came all the way from Bavaria to decipher this dream using all his archtypes and oneric knowledge. His verdict? Snorblatt was fucking crazy.

What does this have to do with your question? ha! I am teaching you this. The point is, never ask someone for advice when making decisions- why? because no one can make a decision for anyone else without making it for themself.

Like Ayn Rand demonstrated,  people are -and should be- selfish. If you ask me to help you find your decision, I will naturally make the one that happens to serve me, not you.

My child asks where to go to college- naturally I will say Transyllvania A & M because I was kicked out due to a stunt involving several abandoned toilets, and wish to make my revenge on them. But this is decision best for me– not my child.

So when you have more than one good offer- always make the decision that you will not regret when you lie on the deathbed- which could be any time…

And be selfish- you owe it to the world.

And that’s the double truth, Ruth

Aware!

“Is Now a Good time to buy Apple Stock”

This question comes from J.W. straight outta Berkeley Ca.

Dear J.W.:

No. The stock is very volatile, so Zamboni say no. Even graph of the stock’s behavior today look like Estonian mountain range: up down up down very jagged like. Zamboni say to invest in greatzamboni fund. This fund which I create myself by bundling together many small Estonian businesses,  these include but are not limited to:

-My uncle Norblad’s glue cart

-My neighbor Svenblad’s bee pollen concession

-My grandmothers goat Bjorgias who is not yielding milk now (so technically this section is “goat futures”, very exciting!)

-Acme Bow Ties (they are bounding for come back)

-Long John Silvers (fish place I find on my travels, even to place of dryness like Ohio!)

For the price of one share of Apple (419$) you can get in ground flooor of greatzamboni fund- and if you act now also my brother Tone (pronounced Toe-Nay) is sending you hand bag.

And as always with anything Zamboni- past performance is always guarantee of future excellence.

I await your cheque!

Zamboni

Zamboni Remembers 9/11

I am Great Zamboni and I believe in America with all my heart. In what other country would I be allowed to roam freely showering my shocking wisdom upon people? Already my picture is in post offices all over Bulgaria and Mauritius for my rantings and my  spleen. In Welsh pubs  my face decorates dartboards.

In many countries, this freedom would not be there for me or you.

I once knew a Greek woman with crooked teeth who could light a coal fire with one hand, pour Jim Beam with the other all while making roast leg of lamb and writing a novel.    She told me of being a small child in Greece during World War II. When the American soldiers came through the children waved to them and smiled, as if they were gods walking. We have been heroes and saviors to so many, liberators too.

The American governmnt is like strange sort of boring and repetitive circus, often engineering terror- but the American people are as fine as they come.

Zamboni remembers and honors those Americans from 10 years ago. The fallen and the heroes.

Jon Stewart, 2001

“Let’s Just be friends”

I have been pondering this situation for many miles now.  When a relationship ends, is it ever really possible to just “be friends” and actually have a friendship?

According to Checkov, you couldn’t be friends with a woman until you’d been lovers first. But haven’t we all killed friendships when that kiss happened accidentally-on-purpose and in the words of Dr. Evil to Frau Farbissina, “It got weird didn’t it?” So is it possible?

I think first we have to ask what friendship means to us.

Thoughts?

jw

What Country Will win FIFA World Cup in 2014?

This question comes from an anonymouse asker, and I Zamboni will give accurate answer.

As long as they stay free from any evil eyes given by Bulgarian banshees often hired for this purpose, Estonia will be winner in this FIFA cup.

Of course we have much work to do, but I would not be much of an Estonian if I did not have faith in my team.

Now you might say, “Zamboni, this is mathematical impossibility for Estonia to win this, it will be Brazil or German, blah blah blah…”

I say: “Are you Great Zamboni?” I didn’t think so. I personally will bathe in North Korean black salt for 21 days during the preliminary qualifying period in order to draw out all impurities not only from my debauched life but from Estonian players and coaches as well.

It surely will be a great contest, but as alway we must watch the Bulgarians, they are crafty. I was once partially eaten by one, with merely a glance.

Be- Ware!

Nerves

1 am and the neighbor is watching something very loud that sounds like Korean Sci-Fi Opera and I can’t sleep. I put in those industrial orange earplugs but that just makes it loud Korean Sci-Fi opera heard through socks. Who does that? They deserve a page in that book:  People Who Deserve It

The girl is jittery too, first Freshman Friday where hazing of the young ones equals seniors throwing eggs at them and I  am nervous for her.

Tonite the first friday of the high school/college football season and imagine all those nerves, all those actual friday night lights and all those dreams of winning state.

I received 12o new clients  in one day and had initial meetings with all of them. It’s called “teaching.”

In the east at least you begin to get the beauty of the fall colors  to ease you into the season of nerves. In California it actually gets hotter now.

Sweat and Nerves.

Fall.