Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?

Great question for me, from the talented Rob Dario via the facebook:

You know, it’s funny, one time I was to play tennis with Roger Federer, who had hired me to calm his mental state before a tournament. As I got into my tennis whites and took the court for our therapeutic match, tossed a ball up for my first service, a great Bald Eagle swooped down and engulfed the ball into its guts and rested upon my shoulder, peacefully nudging my chin with drool.

Another time I was home in Estonia for the holidays, baking fruit cakes made of macerated prune, suett, and whiskey, when slap! against the window a Blue Jay flies. Its eyes trained upon me.

I admit I myself have puzzled why birds appear every time I am near! Just this morning in New York I was mobbed by a morass of pigeons as I ducked into a Starbucks with Martha Stewart who consults me to know which colors go with ecru.

I have always found in my life that the best way to get answers is to ask. So this morning I turned to the oldest pigeon. A grizzled he-bird with one red leg and feathers slicker than Donald Rumsfeld. He said, in his tongue, ” Go suck it! I’m hungry here!” So I halved my Twinkie and this made him open up his thoughts to me. He says to me this: “we sense you are free, Zamboni, like us, so we are drawn to you. Like is drawn to like.” Then he jabbed his germy craw at the last bit of icing and hobbled away into a pee-ridden alley.

And so birds appear when I am near because true wisdom is not to seek out your opposite. It is to seek out your kin, to seek those who you can admire as you admire and inspire yourself. Birds are drawn to Zamboni because my soul is in the sky, like theirs.

A thing with wings understands best another thing that can fly. So Zamboni says to you, if you wish the company of the wild, free, rich, or hysterical- then Be.

Zamboni, should I do Tarot Cards?

Many people have wondered this, should they believe in things like Tarot, Astronomy, or Dry Cleaning.

I cannot vouch for the last two, but I can say my answer is this: Tarot can be very profound indeed and if the interpreter is good, then I can assure you it is a most very interesting use of your time..In moderation of course and with grains of salt.

But did you know that Zamboni himself is working on resurrecting a very ancient and prophetically modern Estonian fortune telling deck of cards called The Zamboni Shuffle? Yes it’s true. In this deck (Always stacked against The Devil!) here are some of the cards that come up after you shuffle them and a Licensed Zamboni Card Reader turns them over:

-The Young Sinatra; this card signifies you are lean and hungry and may have to break a mold to succeed.

-Trisha the Goat; this card, named after my childhood playmate, signifies you to get in touch with your playful nature and eat more vegetables.

-Maria Conchita Alonzo; this card prompts you to either to have a fling with a hot Latina or get in touch with your sassy inner hispanica or both.

Knowing me and my intense dedication to leisure, I wouldn’t hold my breath for this deck to be on Amazon tonight- translating from the ancient Estonian is a bitch- but I promise to work as fast as I can and when I am done, private consultations of The Zamboni Shuffle start at only 4,000 Drachmas.

Until then, I offer this advice. Wisdom can come from anywhere, a bearded Tarot reader on Telegraph Ave, a Ted talk, Bazooka wrappers- but the best comes from your own mind, when you think.

What’s the meaning of life?

This was asked to me a few days ago by a gentleman strolling with his girlfriend on Fourth Street in Berkeley Ca.

It really depends on who you are. For my dog Zenith, a Hyena/Bassett mix, the meaning of life is a bowl of warm goat milk in the morning, a Yak femur to chew on for lunch, and a bowl of turkey chili for dinner.

For Joseph Smith, the meaning came when the angel Moroni appeared to him in a blindingly white robe and told him about the plates hidden for him to find in the woods.

For me, great zamboni, it came when the devil and I made our fateful bargain as I drowned in sub-arctic waters, which set me forth on my mission to answer questions and help people all over Earth.

What do each have in common- not much you think?- yet ZAMBONI KNOWS.

It involves patience and waiting, and receptivity. As Hamlet said, “the readiness is all.” Are you ready, really?

And waiting- Zenith must wait for his femur. Joseph smith had to wait a year and then another before Moroni felt he was ready to finally know where the plates were buried and to get them. Zamboni, who is myself, must wait until the year 2020 to get to Carnegie Hall.

But if I had to give answer that might suit the general purpose, about the meaning of life, it is this:

1. Avoid careers that require a lot meetings.

2. Greatly limit credit card use, and understand what “APR” means.

3. Be with people you love as much as possible, and hug a lot.

There. Don’t wait anymore.

ENJOYMENT!

“Zamboni, why should I keep calm and carry on?”

Tonight this question came to me via a migrating goose flying over the bay. And I take it the asker, signing name only as “Joey Silverado”, is really saying, not just why should they stay calm amid turbulent troubles, but perhaps also how. How do we carry on when it is hard, even painful to do so.

I had a Buddhist friend once who told me to be kind to everyone, because everyone is on their own complicated and stormy journey- and we have to allow for that. We have to know that it isn’t just us that “all this is happening to” but in fact, it is likely that everyone has moments in a day where they say, like Beckett, “I can’t go on.. i’ll go on…”

I will say this. Despite the horrible corruption of this saying (which comes from posters that the British gov. put up around London during the bombings of WWII)- yes you see all this nonsense like “keep calm and krav-maga on” or “keep calm and knit on” etc..despite all this, the aphorism is a great one, and sums up all of Seneca and Epictetus in those 2 words.

But should you, should you is the question. Sometimes yes. Sometimes you must simply breathe and brave on to another day. But other times, no- there are times when to carry on the same way is crazy- there are just a few times in life when you must put up both hands and say NO- “in my gut I know this is wrong, so No.”

So if the bombs are dropping on you, at first, keep calm and carry on- but later, in calmness and reason, fire up the jets and get back at those bastards.

~~Keep calm and Zamboni On~~

“Is it selfish to be thankful for your own health?”

This question comes from Casi in Chicago and is an interesting one.

In short, no. Heck no. Totes, No. But this brings up an interesting question.. what does it really entail, this being selfish? I think we wrongly associate a healthy selfishness with too much ego.

In college, at Tech. University of Southern Estonia, where I majored in all-knowingness, my friends derided me for being so selfish as to be always planning and making goals for the gradual Zambonification of earth. But I would try and tell them, “you are in law school and will one day make 500$ Krons just to answer the phone, I am only great zamboni and I will only eat from the wisdom I collect in my head!”

My friend Sweet Stache is a fine actor in Estonian soap opera, “The Young and the Fruitless”.. but before his success, he was always hesitant to push his career; he did not want to come off as selfish, ego-driven, or over-ambitious.

The long and short of my point is this Casi; if you will not be for you, then who will be for you? Why is your health wealth and success less important than anyone else’s? I am as valuable an asset on this planet as anyone else. So are you! The old Estonian copy editors have a saying, “God doesn’t need spellcheck” because you see, his gift of health to us has a purpose. And as the old Estonian spear fishermen like to say, “we will eventually all find our porpoise”

Be well, all of you, in Zamboni you trust!

Thanksgiving:

THANKSGIVING:

Like LL Cool J once said, “don’t call it a come back!…. i’m gonna knock you out, mama’s, gonna knock you out” (Zamboni’s Italics) And as Barry Manilow so cogently added, “I can’t smile without youuu..” and so I myself, the greatest and only Zamboni to ever have been spawned, return to you just in time, and thanks you all for your kind words. As the Scorpions summed up so well, “here I am, rock you like a hurricane”

On this day, Zamboni’s favorite American holiday. Zamboni is thankful for many things, including some thankgivings of the past.

-The one where the brother of Zamboni, not a seasoned gastronome, cooked a turkey without removing the little paper bag of guts and Zamboni was served this pouch alongside stuffing..Indeed a memory that is bittersweet like cranberry sauce since this brother has gone awol and cut Zamboni out, I wish him to find his path out of the woods.

-The one where college roomate of Zamboni takes pity on orphaned Zamb. and takes him to family’s house on Cape Cod and dinner is had in some esteemed colonial restaurant of New England and grey foggy walks along beach with no discernible end in sight. There were many black labs.

-The one where Zamboni and other brother performed “old man” by Neil Young- this the closest ever our family comes to the wonderful Partriges.

-The one where the man who became a grandfather to my son he never met teached Zamboni to fly cast in the driveway of mobile home in Redding, Ca.

Yet, most other of these turkey days I have spent in Estonia, looking for a bird large enough to bring these spirits back to me, and settling on entrapment of a hapless pigeon. The cavity of which, being very tiny, is anticlimactic and diffilcult to stuff.

Indeed, we are all very lucky, and me Zamboni personally, It is like I am living in a dream. My friend back home, Skitwald the Jumpy, fights with his ex-wife and yells at his children. Zamboni’s ex (I have more than Liz Taylor, but I mean the one who be-wombed my children) is a blessing and a friend (happy birthday!) for this I thanks the gods.

For my children also I am thanks. The one like a mighty lion who cries tears of joy at cliffhanging win over the Ducks- and the other who fights off a legion of demons at every turn, and laughs at their vain attempts.

For my mom- Hi Mom!

and, For my fans and readers who without me are like a Cassandra without a Garmin on a cold lightless night on an unmarked highway- in the rain- I am too thanks to you all.

zamboni and MOM — The historic day, i, Zamboni consulted an expert..

Balm

“Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then has not the health of the daughter of my people been restored?”

Hello friends- there is an old story once told me by a mushroom forager from the Purple Forests of Estonia. He had owned a dog names Procrus, a faithful mutt who accompanied him on his fungus hunts for almost 20 years..One day, accidentally, the mutt ate just a crumb of a very potent poisonous cap of Fungicidus Orientalis Cryptus- a mushroom so powerfully virile and petulant that Hannibal used one of them to slay an army. The dog became very ill, while having strange hallucinations, speaking in fluent Latin, and spinning its head in circles while the paws tapped out in Morse code, “holy sheepshit” over and over again… Then, my forager friend -who became misty eyed at the telling of this- let his dog go free in the forest, and that was the last he saw of him.

“How could you do that? ” I, Zamboni asked of this wandering micologist.. His answer was cryptic.

“Sometimes the best way to cure someone is to let them go.”

Now the moral of the story is this my friends. Zamboni is no old mushroom hunter, but I am wise enough to tell shit from Shitake. This old idiot let his dog get torn up by wild boar in the middle of a very bad trip. And karma is a bitch because a week later, the man himself mistook a shroom and became stiff dead.

He did the wrong thing. Don’t give up, never give up.

Jammies

“Where are your Jammies?”

“In the top drawer.”

“Can I see em? Can I open your drawer and see em?” I asked through the door.

“Okay.”

This was tonight. They were bundled in a grey mothy ball in the corner, under some new skinny jeans and a bra. I unfurled them and held them up to the light. They were barely the white onesie with pink and blue bears they’d once been. They are now an almost green raggedy rag that smelled of mildew dust and worse.

I needed to see them and remember. Maybe briefly she’d actually worn them with legs, perhaps at age five, but when she outgrew them, she merely wore the arms and let the legs trail behind like tails. She grew – six, seven, nine years old…. even as the “jammie” arms crept past her elbows and up to hug her shoulders and she worried away the sleeves with a habitual little lip nuzzling, she continued to wear them. She wore them into pre-teen- hood so far we contemplated stealing them, burning them, just so as not to embarass her on sleepovers. May as well have tried to burn Anne Franks diary. The Jammies were her. Grandma tried to convince her to sew them into a quilt. No. If she couldn’t find her jammies, there were screams and cries… her jammies were her blanket, teddy bear, they were everything.

Why did we fret so hard about getting her to give them up? What were we rushing her for?

Then one night she didn’t wear them. One night without explanation they went into the drawer. Eight years, every night- then mothballs. Sleeping in sweats and Hollister like everyone else.

I washed them in a sink tonite with clorox, trying to get something back, trying to get her back.

“What can one do to be happier in this world?”

This question slip of paper accidentally fell onto the floor during my show now I get to answer it three weeks later.

Try these in combination or isolation, repeat as needed but use moderation in most: Cocaine, having children, riding a bicycle down the street and looking up as the trees go by (caution!), traveling, staying at home with a book or better yet several football games on TV or long romantic Bollywood movies like HumTum, cheeseburgers, -forget the Cocaine, that was bad idea, back to the good ideas- meditate, be quiet, take off your seatbelt and stick your head out the window, visit Estonia in July, take a first sip of beer on a hot day after long work, make love, make art, make sexy times, read Sunday New York Times, eat a shrimp tail, tell a tall tale, tell a lie just for the thrill, and smile when you are happy but try smiling even if you are not happy because it might just make you happy, writie a poem, write a letter, find a giant sculpture and hang off it, pretend you are a model and have someone take pictures of you, listen to music, listen to nothing, listen like Orpheus, and if all else fails, just hug it out- its impossible not to be happy while you hug (and even sometimes it lead to sexy times!)

Word of Zamboni correctly has been spake!

Why Am I always disappointing people?

This question I was avoiding for long time because even it make Zamboni fidget. It come from “R” in Peru.

Personally, being Zamboni, I have never experienced this “disappointing people” because Zamboni is always filling people with wonder, shock, and awe-inspiration. So I consulted Jordan my lowly-worm human vessel, and he say he have much experience with this. So yes, even Zamboni need help to answer the tough questions.

He say almost everyday, even on the good days, he feel like he can be letting someone down. He say maybe his children, he was not patient enough, he forget to make breakfast, he forget to hug the boy or the girl. Or he say also there is usually a disappointing of the self, and that can be the worst kind. Like he didn’t get done what he wanted, he did not exercise, etc, blah blah Zzzzzzzzzz..Then I fell asleep into my bowl of flax gruel and Red Bull because he started to bore me. It sounded like a lot of what my great grandmother Shorty Smolenkovitz used to call “Whiney Doo Ha”. I slapped him twice in face, dunked him and he felt so much better.

So my answer to you friend is this: You aren’t necessarily disappointing people, but you are feeling that you are. You can’t really get inside the head of another. Don’t spend valuable time obsessing over how others feel, you can’t control that. All you can do is minute to minute say, “what do I need to do in this situation? what is my job?” Then do it.

But if someone does say “you really disappointed me, you let me down..” just ask yourself honestly, “did I do wrong?” and if the answer comes out yes, don’t pull a Bill Clinton and deny it or say “what is your definition of ‘me'” Just own up and say, yes, I did let you down, and also myself, I won’t do that again…I am a heel, but won’t be one every day…