what the focaccia is Trump doing?

Many people have confided this question to me Great Zamboni, even billionaire mega billionaires who i hang out with in the Bohemian Grove peeing in the woods and giggling like Henry Kissinger and Donald Rumsfeld. Even Rummy  asked me from the outhouse next to mine just this foggy morning, “Zamb, what do you make of Trump? and can you pass me some TP?” I marvelled at Don’s simply worded question and decided I would answer it via the Interweb so i had to walk down the road here a bit until I got some bars so here we go before Dick Cheney catches me for breaking the no devices rule:

I love Trump! He is my supermodel of how I must behave on Earth! My reasons are this: The Stoics taught us centuries ago that we make our own reality and we live in the world we create- so does Trump live in the world where he makes the facts and the truth- Advanced!

Us Estonians are a bitter pessimistic people, we have a popular saying that generally you should, “make your face as ice”, and so when I look at his his always grumpy puss, I feel so at home! Yes sometimes he slips up and smiles, but at those super cool rallies, who could help it? Even us Estonians accidentally get happy when we gather in the thousands and sing songs for hours. Or eat a good blood sausage.

Next answer. Trump is trying to make his American great again, he really is! Many people say he is Russian stooge or even insane but i do not think an insane unstable person could get this far in life, do you? Look, I fucking hate the Russians, they have always try to make Estonia their bitch, and I think Trump playing them right now, just the way he play Americans and -WaBAMM!- I won- even though no one think possible.

So to answer the question what the fuck is Trump doing? He’s doing Trump bitches! And it is the best thing for the liberals and granola resistance since forever, I wonder what they do with it?

Truth bomb!

Losing because of a coin toss is unamerican (?)

As you know, American Football is so big in Estonia that we were all around my huge 8 inch black and white watching this game yesterday. I was grilling sardines on the radiator of my Datsun b210, we were swilling Prune Vodka in the Ice Sailing clubhouse, and  every time the commentators said “the” , “and” or just any words, and we were taking shots- having the best time, what we in hardened Estonia call, “slightly better than cold death.”

But then, these teams go to overtime, and just because Patriots win coin toss, they get ball first. They score a touching down, then I expect the Falconers of Atlanta to get a chance- BUT NO- you America say game over!

? Game over? Other team not even get a chance? I don’t understand your great country. Is it all just rigged? Or just the result of chance?

How can it be fair?

Is it  not even  an even playing field on your playing field? By the smooth skin of Vladimir Putin’s chin, I just don’t get it.

So funny with America, your superbowl a last minute switcharoo too- just like election! I guess it is like my Grandma Shlockma said, “a consistent large pimple you have for a year, better than a surprise ulcer you get once”

Hey Hungary, Fuck You!

I know, usually these columns begin with a question for me, the great one, namely, I, Great Zamboni. But today, in the morning, as I was drinking my dawn elixir of goat pee, Acai berry, and walnut shells ground to a ridiculously fine patina- I heard on the news that in Hungary they are basically saying “fuck you Syrian refugees!”. So I simply want to say FUCK YOU HUNGARY! Open your damn doors!

Now that I have got that rage out of my system, I say, more calmly, that all of us must bear this burden to help these folks find a home. USA included! And guess what? An influx of immigrants does not put strain on an economy- in fact, if anything, it helps it! This has been documented by studies. Germany is very smart. More people, means more people will need haircuts, groceries, marbles and coats- and these new people can work, supplying these new needs! Why can we not let these huddled masses into this country as well?

You know Zamboni himself is an immigrant. I came to this country wearing nothing but my fez and a dream. My dream was to live in a place where I could pursue happiness, breed goats in the fashion I prefer, rip phonebooks apart on the subway, and be who I am. Doesn’t everyone deserve that?


You Can Thank Estonia!

My country, Estonia, has brought to you people many great things, some of which I will announce and revel in, when I perform this week in Berkeley. But did you know, that perhaps most special of all, is the athletic activity of Wife Carrying Competition?

Yes, the men throw their wives over their shoulders, make a race, and see who is fastest- super enjoying! (see Estonian-style of carry here)

Learn this and more this coming week at my show!

Ciao old sport!

New Year High Resolutions

Many people have asked me, “hey great zamboni, what are your new years resolutions?”

Well, here they are, rocking like a hurricane:

1. Watch all of Mindy Project because she so funny. She remind me of sassy nurse from Estonian prison where I spent three days after plum wine bender. Y2K.

2. Return Obama’s texts.

3. Stop going to Gym. I overdo so much, must relax. I have Creatine buildup in kidney so I pee orange.

4. Be as kind to myself as I try to be to others.

5. Figure out why people not like Gluten.

6. See people as people.

7. Chew my food.

8. Laugh more. Talk more. Love more.

9. Check expiration date on Milk.

10. Pay my valet the 5 bucks I borrow from him.

There it is- be well and a happy new year- like we say in Estonia, “a mean goat ruins your stew, but a sweet goat make you go hungry”

Dear Zamboni, what is Love?

My uncle Sol Funkenheimer, or as we kids called him “the luge”, had a saying, “little Zamboni,”, he’d say “love is like a one way ticket to Palookaville, love is also like a box of Triscuits but sometimes you open the box and reach in and find scorpions instead of triscuits, love is a one-way street but people try to drive in both directions on this street, love is like a beautiful fall day and then you get the flu…” and so on.

We could never make heads nor shrimp of what the man was saying, but nevertheless it makes one think.

I say love is truly simple to understand but difficult to do. You have to let go of many things to truly love.  Fear. Anger. Distrust. You also have to give much, and then give more. But the giving should not always feel like work. It is also being grateful. Giving foot massages. Doing of laundry too is lovely. But if I had to answer in one word, what is love? I will most certainly say it is this: Mt. Fuji. Very poetic and beautiful and perfect seen from a distance- but when you’re on it, a damn hard climb. I know, i’ve done it- twice!

I once made a film under the acting name of Rudolph Valentino, and in this scene, the nature of love -quixotic and impossible to force- is wonderfully evidenced. 

Zamboni takes Digital Sabbath- phew!

The Jews have given the world many great things: Manishevitz sweet wine, Sandy Koufax, Paul Newman, circumcision (that one’s iffy) and Jokes, and even great zamboni himself (though being an orphan I cannot substantiate this, the rumor began when when I was dropped, at the delicate age of 11, at the doorstep of the Baron Von Rothschild- the basket in which i was wrapped was padded with the Estonian Yiddish newspaper, “Der Shpiel”.

Anyhoo, another donation to us from them is the “Sabbath”, a great break of time from sundown friday to sundown saturday. Thank you Yahweh! These days some people not just Jews are taking a “digital sabbath” in which during that time they use no cell phone or computer- I am going to try this myself. So. if you have any emergency missives for me, Zamboni, please use carrier pigeon or messenger fox for those 24 hours.

My Uncle Moishe!
Everyone needs a breather (:

Wish me luck.

Good balling good balling!

I don’t really understand the rules, especially  the balletic numerology of the scoring, but I played Cricket today with about 20 or so very excited guys from Pakistan and India and maybe Tibet too, as they had taken over several quadrants of my football field so the cricket pitch was a sort of Rhombus or maybe like  75% of a pie chart and they told me where to stand and when to move and when I had moved far enough they didn’t say “okay!” or “stop!” they said “sufficient sufficient!” and I didn’t understand him at first but then I got that it was “sufficient sufficient” and stopped moving and waited for the ball to  come to me right at the spot they wanted me to wait, and the sun was bright with no clouds and they were laughing and excited and the sound of several foreign languages, any foreign language spoken in recreation is nice and sounds so pleasant maybe more so because you don’t know they are really saying “you suck!” or “hit the ball fatty” it just sounds like good sport, like wind or rain, natural, or rather as they say whenever you make a good throw, like  “good balling good balling”,  when I backed up a fielder, saved a run (run?) by laser-throwing it and knocking down a wicket from center field (center field?) and they shouted “good balling! good balling!” out to me, man I felt right at home..(home- plate?) and I don’t know any of ’em by name, but it is sufficient. -jw

“Oh Zamboni, How do you know when you’ve grown up?”

When you trust your gut, even when they look at you funny.

When you do the right thing because it’s right.

When you’d rather wait and see how the situation develops.

When you don’t have regrets.

When you’ve stopped drinking soda.

I remember hanging out with Albert once in Paris, and saying to him this very same question. He said to me, “Zamboni, gimme an old book, an old wine and I don’t even need a young woman..”


at any street cornerat any time
at any street corner
at any time





“Is it selfish to be thankful for your own health?”

This question comes from Casi in Chicago and is an interesting one.

In short, no. Heck no. Totes, No. But this brings up an interesting question.. what does it really entail, this being selfish? I think we wrongly associate a healthy selfishness with too much ego.

In college, at Tech. University of Southern Estonia, where I majored in all-knowingness, my friends derided me for being so selfish as to be always planning and making goals for the gradual Zambonification  of earth. But I would try and tell them, “you are in law school and will one day make 500$ Krons just to answer the phone, I am only great  zamboni and I will only eat from the wisdom I collect in my head!”

My friend Sweet Stache is a fine actor in Estonian soap opera, “The Young and the Fruitless”.. but before his success, he was always hesitant to push his career; he did not want to come off as selfish, ego-driven, or over-ambitious.

The long and short of my point is this Casi; if you will not be for you, then who will  be for you? Why is your health wealth and success less important than anyone else’s? I am as valuable an asset on this planet as anyone else. So are you! The old Estonian copy editors have a saying, “God doesn’t need spellcheck” because you see, his gift of health to us has a purpose. And as the old Estonian spear fishermen like to say, “we will eventually all find our porpoise”

Most readers give zamboni fake name, but I finded this Casi on Interweb! So Pretty! I will give this headshot to Young and Fruitless producer for you!

Be well, all of you, in Zamboni you trust!