When a team wins it all, why do its fans burn shit to the ground?

This question comes from Yannush Warrenski, a longtime reader and wearer of shoes.

You know, even Zamboni has marvelled at these shenanigans. I attended the Victory parade of Frisco Giantes in 2012 for winning of the “world” series (for which no Estonians were invited to compete!) and this is what happened: Instead of seeing happy children atop their parents shoulders, I saw people drinking bottles of Hennessey at 10am, looting of a cell phones accoutrement shop, and the beating of a business man by a group of thugs high on dope. Admittedly, even in my beloved Estonia, after a soccer match that went good for my team, I helped burn a 3000 year old village to the ground. It was in my youth, I was high on plum vodka, and I am ashamed, but at least now I understand why..

These things happen because deep in in the bowels of the human, are great violent and sacrificial needs that used to be met by religion and ritual, but now because religion and ritual have all but disappeared and/or have become very civilized, these urges come out from sport.

Juts read Herodotus’ histories. In it, he datails insane and common rituals of the ancient tribes that quite frequently involved lots of people clubbing themselves to death, and several people or even 50 getting sacrificed- yearly… Compared to this, a few burned police cars and broken bottles ain’t no big thang…

look at the nimrod making cell video- oy
look at the nimrod making cell video- oy

But why when the team wins, isn’t the winning happy-making? Yes, but we the people, in order to feel a part of the battle on the playing field -which we are denied- make crazy battle in the street to simulate…to feel..

There is your answer form Zamboni- enjoy and I predict the Ravens are winning the large bowl…

Where is Godot?

This question comes from Alfred D., in London England.

Dear Sir, Zamboni knows the answer to this question, not unsurprisingly…

Perhaps you have not realized that Rene Zellwigger, the actress of Hollywood, has been scarce these days and not too often seen…Right?, now you’re saying to yourself Oh yea where did Rene Zellwigger go? Bridget Jones, etc…

Well, it turns out, this happened: As usual, I was entetaining my friends inside the nightclub Hyde, @ the Bellagio, in Las Vegas. It was an average Tuesday night for Zamboni: Stephen Hawking kept making us dangle his chair in the Bellagio fountains as they erupted every 15 minutes- this wasn’t as strenuous as it may sound for we had the chiselled abs of Daniel Craig and Brad Pitt to rely on- and yet Hawking is such a drunken fuck that he kept T-Paining the lyrics to the songs the DJ played and he’d had three bottles of Alize to himself so he would actually fall out of his hanging chair and have to be rescued at least three times by Ryan Lochte who was everyones designated driver and lifeguard. Talk about fortuitous!

But this brings me to Angelina Jolie who was accompanying her husband at this shindig. As she tells it, Zellwigger was making the sexy eyes at Brad Pitt, I did not see this but am not fond of doubting her. In a rage, she grabbed the scimitar of a Persian guest of mine and ran at Rene screaming something along the lines of “I will cut you!” at this very second, in walks Godot who we have been waiting almost a century for! “Finally you came!”: I shouted, my mouth full of caviar. Godot looked sheepish and mumbled something about Mapquest- but in one beautiful second of quick thinking, grabbed Zellwigger out of  the path of Jolies shimmering blade, and jumped off the balcony with her- and we have not seen either since.


So the morals are these: Angelina Joile is scary when her jealousy is aroused. If you wait long enough for something to happen it probably will. It is probably good we are waiting for Godot again, since it’s always nice to have something to look forward too. Don’t invite Stephen Hawking to your party.

Katherine Bigelow Owes Me a Bike

Last night I saw Zero Dark Thirty. I biked there and met my girlfriend for the 7:00 show. I didn’t have my bike lock but I rested the bike next to the U shaped thing, directly in front of the bright marquee…shouldn’t be a problem.


The movie was a strange experience and not really like seeing a movie but more like,  an experience. I thought I was squeezing her knuckles the whole time, but as we walked out she apologized for squeezing mine the whole time. It was exhausting. I was worried the torture would be too much for me. It wasn’t. Should I be worried about that? I don’t know. And the strangest thing is the whole time it’s like Captain Ahab and Moby Dick, it’s all about getting to BL, was that a glimpse?  Where is BL, where is he? Who’s hiding him? What traces can we pick up to find him, etc..10 years, an odyssey, literally, of Trojan Horses and dead ends..

And then they do and it’s a limp lifeless body they stuff into a bag. Of course you only see a bit of beard, a nose, a forehead..but we know it’s him, I guess. We have faith.

You think you’ll feel exalted and relieved and avenged, and you do. I did. But not- not in the way you think.

And we exited after the 2 hours and 37 minutes  clutching each other in the cold and kept talking about the movie. The way it seemed nothing was happening and then everything was happening at once. It wasn’t hollywood, no swelling music, no heroes you can hang your hat on with ease.

Maya is really just us. She goes from shocked, to participant, to blase. Is torture glorified? No. Is it justified? No. Does it aid in the search? We assume. After Abu Graib is there anything we don’t know or can’t imagine? Do I personally endorse it, no, but I think a boycott of the film is silly. The first amendment, well stuff like that, isn’t that  worth protecting? What is all this battle for anyway?

It wasn’t until noon today I realized I forgot about my bike. I made it back up there at about 2 in the afternoon. So what were the chances human goodness had kept it up there for 14 hours, unlocked?

Gone. Just like that.

(Great Zamboni is in a three day trance in a smoke house preparing his post “Zamboni Hypnotizes Academy to Vote For Oscars He Agrees to”)

Zamboni’s reader out-Zamboni’s Zamboni-Nice!

(Already one of  my resolutions comes clear- to have the people release their inner wise-one, to whit, this reader here:)

Dear Zamboni,
Thank you for making time in your busy schedule to remind us to consider our new year resolutions. I know you can’t research all the facts so I will help you with the question of what is a permitted carry on when flying on an airplane. (Other forms of flying are less clear).Two carry on items are allowed: one suit case and one personal item, such as a leather monogramed brief case, water proof diaper bag, grocery bag, large stuffed animal, potted plant, 480z. bag of potato chips (if purchased inside the security gate), animal travel case with dog cat, or turtle, musical instrument that fits in overhead compartment, (however your cello must have her own seat,) manual typewriter (which can be used even during take off and landing), blow up mattress that can be inflated in case you are very sleepy, folded bicycle if it fits under the seat, the AARP application kit that was sent to your inner child. That should about cover it.
Happy new year,
Lying Low in Louisiana

Great Zamboni’s New Year High Resolutions

1. Stop eating couch pizza for breakfast. (It’s so damn convenient!)

2. Call the Dalai Lama back.

3. Brush teeth more regularly.

4. Figure out if “one carry-on bag” means a carry-on  suitcase and  like a small satchel or backpack or just the one thing and not both.

5. Drink more yak milk.

6. Don’t wear so much aftershave the girl at the video store makes that weird face.

7. Don’t brag quite so much about never being wrong.

8. Visit Estonia.

9. Teach others to release the great Zamboni inside them.

10. Like Woody says, “keep the Hope machine running”.


Below are the resolutions of my old friend Woody Guthrie. We traveled the dust bowl together in your great country’s depression and he left this journal with me that has his resolutions. Enjoy and be inspired..

WoodyNYResolutions (1)