I surviving 2017

How do I do it? I keep in mind the old Estonian saying, “your face should be like Ice”. You see, we Estonians are used to being taken over by many bamboozling buffoons- first it was the Danes in like year 1200, then the Teutonic Knight Order, the Germans, then the Soviets, then the Nazis, then the Soviets again- so being ruled over by bufoonery is old hat to us.


How do we deal with less than savory rulers? We expect only shit from life all day every day. We tough through life and smile for no one expecting nothing but drudgery cold and darkness.

in this way, any brightness seems to us a great and wonderful surprise. Like when your dog lives to be older than 8 or your goat does not freeze into block of ice.

So get your Estonians balls America, its going to be a bumpy knight.

How Zamboni knew the Cubs would win even when they were down 3-1

You’ll notice my last post was Oct 30th, when it seemed it would be lights out for the Cubs, When Cleveland had their Wahoo fingers around the necks of the cute and cuddly Cubbies, when it seemed all over. After all, coming back from being three games down to one?- it had only happened five times in 132 years of this batting game you Americans love. Yet I predicted a Cubs win. It was easy.

Zamboni knows the ultimate truth that all mortals know deep in their chotzkes:  Everything ends. Sometime. Every leaf, at some point, falls. Red Sox fans know this. Game of Thrones fans know. Mad Men watchers even faced the end. Sopranos too. Even my favorite author, Pulitzer winning Danielle Steele, may one day expire and stop spinning her beloved yarns…Fabio’s hair even, one day will cease.

Also, you remember the man who brought the billy goat into Wrigley field, was ousted and cursed them? IT WAS MY UNCLE!

Yes, this is factual and I can vilify it as well. My uncle Tormallen had come from Estonia, changed his name, and opened a pub. Of course he had his goat with him when he came over to this country and named his pub the Billy Goat Tavern as the bond between an  Estonian and his  goat is as strong as iron yet as tender and soft as a newborn baby’s willy.

And so he brought his goat to game four of the 1945 world series. Evidently the smell of his goat -which we Estonians barely notice- bothered some. Yet I believe it was intolerance to immigrants!! He was booted, and summarily spoke on his way out the turnstile, as his poor goats’ horns were entangled- “these Cubbies aint gonna win no more!”

Until last night. Because you see, even the curse of someone in the bloodline of Zamboni can only last a maximum of 71 years. (Unless of course you have the fingernail of a toothless fishmonger’s wife, the eye of a marmot, the toe of a tax collector, and an evil eye stone, put all said sundries in a bag, bury it beneath the victims home and say out loud 11 vigorous times the ancient bon mots “I FUCKING CURSE YOU GOOD MOTHERFUCKER!”, but old Tormallen did none of that. We all know an off the cuff curse has an expiration date.

And yet it is more than that. It is also due to the power of love, brotherhood and extreme emotional vulnerability. This is like a mighty wall that there is very little can trounce or triumph over.

Late in the game, Anthony Rizzo put his arms on the shoulders of veteran David Ross, and poured forth, “I can’t control myself..I’m trying my best…I’m an emotional wreck…I’m in a glass case of emotion right now…” And was at this moment when the “grit” was found to finally beat the Indians, and end the 71 year old curse, and the 108 year old drought, and win the World Series.

So there is your doggy bag  for today’s lesson. Always pour out your fears and anxieties to your friends, it is not weakness, but strength. Your little fears?- clowns, finding a bit of sand in your sandwich at the beach, the Kars for Kids commercial, who cares. But when you are in a glass case of emotion? Always.

‘I’m an emotional wreck’: Watch Anthony Rizzo’s touching dugout exchange with David Ross

Charlie Sheen: Great Sage and Alien Experiment

“it’s easy, you just close your eyes and change your brain”.

Many people have asked me, the great Zambonesman, some version of this question, “Charlie Sheen, W.T.F.?” To alleviate your befuddlement in this matter of celebrity meltdown, I have consulted the inner mirror of my soul and have spent 12 hours with Charlie Sheen himself in a sweat lodge in a concealed location. Originally, Sheen’s handlers enlisted my help to drive out his demons and addictions, but I quickly discovered the real truth of his predicament. Charlie sheen is a misunderstood oracle and prophet to mankind and an alien-probed experiment as well as a vehicle for the restless spirit of Dennis Hopper.

Long ago, my friend William Blake wrote, in the Proverbs of Hell, “exuberance is beauty”, and “the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.” In this interview, Charlie Sheen is asked if he regrets great and endless crack and party binge. He flatly says no and this shocks interviewer. It also shocks interviewer that during the interview itself, Sheen is not on any drug despite his manic and crazy behavior… and this is affirmed by drug test immediately after. Admittedly this behavior is less shocking to me. In Estonian Air Force, our hazing included the forced snorting of fifteen lines of Borax, a grain alcohol enema, and the consumption of sheep testicals- and this was for officers.

Looking deeply at Charlie Sheen as we both sweated out toxins from our pores, I noticed a small incision behind his ear. In a flash of lucidity and vision brought on by the intense heat and eating nothing but Saltines for two weeks, I saw in a millisecond what ordeal had taken place in the soul of Charlie Sheen- Tiger Blood!

One year ago, an alien race visited him, probing his skull. Inside this skull they found a powerful energy- the restless ghost of Dennis Hopper. Inside the mind of this restless ghost, they saw the young Martin Sheen from Apocalypse Now, mistaking one Sheen for another, they immediately thought they had tapped into the very nerve center of the entire mojo-source of all Mankind. Loathe to take their probe out of such a prize specimen, they overloaded Charlie with source code from their own Universe called Zogrumperplatz. This source code made the Sheen feel invincible, thus his endless binge of crazymaking. You see, this Alien race does not desire our destruction. Au contraire, their goal is our liberation, and being much more advanced than us, they can help us achieve this, but only with the mind of Charlie Sheen. Through his exuberant overindulgence, they enabled him to spout this wisdom to us, but we are being too obtuse to recognize it.

So what can he do now?

It is difficlut to say, as even the Zamboni is powerless to remove the alien probe- but, since I can communicate with the ghost of Dennis Hopper, I will relay his message concerning this:

“Oh man, this bullshit with Charlie… the man is just being true to himself… real men don’t apologize for their behavior.. you think artists are saints man? No, they’re fucked up people like everyone else… shit man,  the set of Apocalypse Now makes 2011 look like fuckin Teletubbies- and the 50’s that were so squeaky clean? Ha! I drank Champagne from Natalie Woods–———————————————–…” There my connection broke up.

So the answer is clear. Only if we learn the lessons that Hopper and the aliens are trying to teach us through Sheen, will he be freed from  from his possession.  He’s high on a drug, yes, “the drug is called Charlie Sheen”. So, get high on yourself! It is the only drug that you will always be able to afford!

*Don’t apologize!

*Say what you think without thinking too much!

*Skip the drugs and prostitutes, you can learn these things without all that trouble!

Only with Tiger Blood, can you conquer the tiger!

Yes, notice he is speaking to the elder Sheen, Martin, imprisoned in Bamboo…a fact not lost on the Zagrumperplatzians.

Now he may rest.