What should I do for valentines day?

Ahhh yes. The eternal question. You don’t want to fall into the cliche trap of candy boxes and roses, but you don’t want to ignore it and risk the wrath of your beloved.  In Estonia we call this being caught between a rock and another rock.


It reminds me of a lover I had once in my youth. You may know Madeline Albright as the esteemed politician, I knew her, in her rosy youth, as Pixie. Flaxen afternoons we spent, browsing bookstores, hand in hand, slurping oysters out of ashtrays, blindfold tennis, all the good romantic things. Then Valentines day came. We had been dating for 3 months.

That morning I woke her up as usual, hanging from the ceiling in my unitard… as she yawned I left the tent to prepare our usual gruel and Sherpa Tea…but when I came back into the love nest I noticed she was unhappy.

“Is this it?” she asked.

“Excuse me my love?”

“Is this all you have planned?”

“Well..yes in fact, I  thought after the gruel we might make lots of sexy time and do good snuggling..after all Valentines Day is just a manufactured bourgeois Hallmark holliday, as you described it yesterday yourself.”

As I inhaled the exhaust of her car as she sped off, I realized that you skip Valentines day at your peril, indeed.

Tickets going fast for Zamboni Show!

Yes my friends, I know many of you have merely contacted me, the Great Zamboni, over the ethernet, or perhaps you have touched my garments through a security barrier- or bought a pair of my sweaty running shorts on a Japanese website- but all that can come to an end now.

Zamboni is performing live this very month in Berkeley Ca.

Thursdays, two of them. Feb 12th, 19th , at the Monkeyhouse in Berkeley.

Don’t sleep on this friends, take the hookah out of your mouth, pause Netflix, don’t go toward the light- buy these tickets now online or else you might miss it. The Monkeyhouse only fits 53 peeps, so don’t get left in the cold like a Dickensian street urchin, wandering the foggy street with chimeny dust stuck to your face begging starngers for a cup a  ‘ tay.

Get your tickets now!


No you can't get special treatment- buy tix online like everyone else!
No Mother T you can’t get special treatment- buy tix online like everyone else! Stop texting me!

New Year High Resolutions

Many people have asked me, “hey great zamboni, what are your new years resolutions?”

Well, here they are, rocking like a hurricane:

1. Watch all of Mindy Project because she so funny. She remind me of sassy nurse from Estonian prison where I spent three days after plum wine bender. Y2K.

2. Return Obama’s texts.

3. Stop going to Gym. I overdo so much, must relax. I have Creatine buildup in kidney so I pee orange.

4. Be as kind to myself as I try to be to others.

5. Figure out why people not like Gluten.

6. See people as people.

7. Chew my food.

8. Laugh more. Talk more. Love more.

9. Check expiration date on Milk.

10. Pay my valet the 5 bucks I borrow from him.

There it is- be well and a happy new year- like we say in Estonia, “a mean goat ruins your stew, but a sweet goat make you go hungry”