“O Zamboni, Will Israel and Palestinians ever make peace?”

This question has come to me via a person inside the new negotiations starting now with John Kerry leading the way. By the way, I love John Kerry’s profile!! OMG- I just love his profile, have you seen this? He is like Abe Lincoln’s brother and could easily go quite well on that Mt. Saint Rushmore you have in America West. He also looks like the old face in the mountain up in New Hampshire I discovered once while climbing up there- (but sadly that has since crumbled down). I think Kerry is good no# 2 choice -after Zamboni-, to lead these new new negotiations because this Israel-Palestinian problem has grown into some strange kind of fetish-obsession with people who have never set foot anywhere near those areas. Even a five year old will have opinion about this, and any cave dwelling hermit may even mumble “2 state solution” at you in reference to this. So it is only natural that Zamboni give truthful answer to this quandry which- alas- does affect real people, a lot of them. So here it is.

No.

Now that you have my answer, look at these pictures–

Zamboni where the hell have you been?

My friends where haven’t I been is more like it.

Some dark places. As some of you know I have 73 children sprouted up around the world- all who I love devotedly- if somewhat distractedly. One of my favorite of these 73, the one girl they call “Scoopneck” but who was christened by myself and her mother as Sparrow MacCreedy-Zamboni, well she recently had her soul sucked away by a demonic succubus. I have been busily making tonics, spirits, kombuchas and spells to rid poor Sparrow of her daimonic posession. So far I have succeeded only is going through lots of bats wings, eyes of newts, frog toes, Sassafrass and Myrrh. But I am hopeful. Remember this is Zamboni talking, I have wrestled with the devil before.

I am trying to become just a little more hopefull, so I have enough hope to add to my concoctions. Then, as the grizzled old chef my Estonian Army barracks used to say, “we’ll be cooking with gas.”

So I hope to get back to answering questions- but you will be happy to know that I am busily preparing my next Happening- working title for this is Great Zamboni at The Crossroads.

It will be a spectacular show, filled with magic, the blues, and as always the vast sea of knowledge that is Zamboni himself- me!

How can we cure the teenage brain? Especially those of us who are parents…

Dear parent asking this question:

There is no “curing” the teenage brain. Teenagers, and children in general, were sent here to be our replacements. Therefore, as their brains are getting into shape, ours are decomposting, as it were. So unfortunately, it is hard to judge and gauge them because for every ridiculous thing they do -pierce their cheekbones, drink 16 beers in a row- they actually have the excuse “my brain is still developing”. Similarly, when we forget the name of that band we worshiped in high school, or that we had a therapy appointment yesterday at 4pm, we too can say “i’m getting older.” So- my advice to you, noble parent, is that you ignore as much as you possibly can- and remember, you only have three real responsibilities– to feed, clothe them and put roof over head.

Regard everything else -hugs, laughs, movies, allowance- as special benefits and privileges to be dispensed or not at your discretion.

I won’t bore you with details of my no frills upbringing in Estonia- but it entailed lots of cleaning sheep ship and no video games.

Wine helps, as does sleepaway camp.

10 Things Zamboni Love About America happy Birthday!

1. That people believe in American dream to be real! In Estonia if you think dream is real they say of you “he is trying to milk a rat”. Idealism!

2. Your leaders are so funny. We in Estonia don’t have leaders of such diversity and humor. George Bush was no lawyer-genius but he liked his ranch, so the commoners loved him. Obama is fancy pants lawyer so intelligentsia love him. Personally I voted for Bush, how I miss! Sometimes they even fight wars then win Nobel Peace prize, liberal thinking!

3. Trucks. In Estonia and Europe cars are very tiny because our countries are very tiny . You have states that people have forgotten about that are bigger than my country. Big trucks are cool both for hauling sheep to a BBQ and helping friends move. My Chevy is jacked up so high groups of kindergarteners can walk underneath- delightful!

4. Same sex marriage! That is too much fun, nice going!

5. Turning left on a red light. Why the heck not!

6. TV. I love most all the 108 choices on my cable. I watch at least 210 episodes a day of Diners, Drive-in and Dives. Back in Estonia in the 80’s it was always just state-run drivel.

7. Thoreau, Emerson, George Washington, and Teddy Roosevelt. Roosevelt was president twice and then after losing for third run, explored an uncharted 1000 mile long river in Brazil and almost died doing it, and he was once hit by a would-be asassin’s bullet in the shoulder yet refused to stop his speech! He finished his damn speech in a bloody shirt and coat. Even George Bush would not have done this! Where did his Progressive party go? I want in.

8. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, biscuits and gravy, pecan pie.

9. Walter Cronkite.

10. Movies. I love all the exploding things, the Oscars and most of all Tree of Life. (Watch the scene below! I was there at the beginning, it was just like this!)

11. Because more is better, 11th thing is FREEDOM!!! Thanks you and happy birthday america!

“GZ, what is the next ‘big thing’?”

This question from Mr. R Dario and as sure as shit Zamboni will answer it now, pleasingly and accurately…

There are several things which together form a new wave of next big things Mr.Dario, and here they are:

Myspace: This will puncture a hole in the wobbly and balding tire that is facebook.

Anti-Dolphin and Pro-Dolphin eating movements: It turns out those smiles they have are evil and Dolphins regularly rape people and each other.

Eating Squirrel: As we look ever more for the cutting edge of free-range, locavorism, and organic, within twenty years no one will eat anything they did not kill in their own backyard. Raccoons make very good eating by the way so do not despair. here is handy guide for you to see. http://www.artofmanliness.com/2012/01/16/how-to-field-dress-a-squirrel/

Zombie Movies Which Show How Scary Humans are as Opposed to Zombies: We will start to see the Zombies and merely diseased victims of corporate pollution and victims of discrimination and predjudice.

Bro-Marriage: Straight guys will begin to marry in order to make hanging out with each other easier, like beer drinking and hunting. It will also be a more honest way of telling women, “I am not looking for something long-term, see, I am bro-hitched already”.

So there you have it, and Rob D I appreciate the question, and the questing… live in truth and Zamboni!